THE INTERGALACTIC BUSINESS REPORT
  • Home
  • About
  • Business
  • Culture
  • Insights
  • Best and worst
  • Hidden brand messages
  • Intergalactic thoughts
  • Mommy's Drunk again
  • Up for grabs
  • Secret Report
  • The best of IBR

The best and worst report

The “worst boss in the world” is now the “worst mayor in the world.” See his quarantine rules.

4/11/2020

Comments

 
Picture
Don’t feel bad about your self-quarantines and shelter in place orders. It could be worse. Just check out Mayor Carlos Montalvinho’s town. 
 
 
YOUR RULES: Stores are closed, except for essential services like groceries and gas.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S RULES: Everything’s open and you are required to enter days long “Lambada” contests to prove your loyalty to Carlos. First one to stop dancing is a snitch. Last one standing is considered loyal… Till the next Lambada contest the next day.
 
YOUR RULES: You need to keep at least six feet of distance between you and others.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S RULES: Dig your own grave six feet deep and have it ready in case Carlos decides you’re a snitch.
 
YOUR RULES: Wash your hands thoroughly for about a minute.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S RULES: File the fingerprints off your hands thoroughly for about five hours so that no one can trace you. 
 
YOUR RULES: Don’t breathe or expel saliva around other people.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S RULES: Carlos is constantly doing “lineups” where villagers like you need to stand silently as he marches up and down the line and complains about the lack of loyalty and how all of you are probably snitches. He tends to spit a lot when he talks. Probably doesn’t mean to. But he does and it’s a ton of spit. 
 
YOUR RULES: Use “contactless” food delivery.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S RULES: Sancho, the village cook, isn’t allowed to use a spoon to stir or serve things anymore because Carlos thinks he may try to murder him with it. But Carlos hasn’t killed him yet because he’s the only cook. So, anyway, you need to eat whatever Sancho stirs and serves you with his hands.
 
YOUR RULES: Wear a mask to cover your mouth and nose.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S RULES: Wear a mask to hide your identity as you are forced to rob banks and grocery stores in neighboring towns.
 
YOUR RULES: Sanitize surfaces with disinfectant. 
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S RULES: Sanitize dead bodies with lye.
 
YOUR RULES: You can take walks with your family.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S RULES: Your “family” is the other drug mules, assassins, and prostitutes you live and work with. You can take walks with them. Just don’t leave your assigned area of the village, look like you’re stealing anything, or wear clothes where you could hide stuff you’re stealing.
 
Comments

    About

    The best. The worst. You don't need to decide, because we do for you.

    Archives

    March 2025
    November 2024
    July 2024
    November 2023
    November 2022
    June 2022
    March 2022
    December 2021
    July 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    November 2020
    October 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    March 2018

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

  • Home
  • About
  • Business
  • Culture
  • Insights
  • Best and worst
  • Hidden brand messages
  • Intergalactic thoughts
  • Mommy's Drunk again
  • Up for grabs
  • Secret Report
  • The best of IBR