Don’t feel bad about your self-quarantines and shelter in place orders. It could be worse. Just check out Mayor Carlos Montalvinho’s town.
YOUR RULES: Stores are closed, except for essential services like groceries and gas.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S RULES: Everything’s open and you are required to enter days long “Lambada” contests to prove your loyalty to Carlos. First one to stop dancing is a snitch. Last one standing is considered loyal… Till the next Lambada contest the next day.
YOUR RULES: You need to keep at least six feet of distance between you and others.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S RULES: Dig your own grave six feet deep and have it ready in case Carlos decides you’re a snitch.
YOUR RULES: Wash your hands thoroughly for about a minute.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S RULES: File the fingerprints off your hands thoroughly for about five hours so that no one can trace you.
YOUR RULES: Don’t breathe or expel saliva around other people.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S RULES: Carlos is constantly doing “lineups” where villagers like you need to stand silently as he marches up and down the line and complains about the lack of loyalty and how all of you are probably snitches. He tends to spit a lot when he talks. Probably doesn’t mean to. But he does and it’s a ton of spit.
YOUR RULES: Use “contactless” food delivery.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S RULES: Sancho, the village cook, isn’t allowed to use a spoon to stir or serve things anymore because Carlos thinks he may try to murder him with it. But Carlos hasn’t killed him yet because he’s the only cook. So, anyway, you need to eat whatever Sancho stirs and serves you with his hands.
YOUR RULES: Wear a mask to cover your mouth and nose.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S RULES: Wear a mask to hide your identity as you are forced to rob banks and grocery stores in neighboring towns.
YOUR RULES: Sanitize surfaces with disinfectant.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S RULES: Sanitize dead bodies with lye.
YOUR RULES: You can take walks with your family.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO’S RULES: Your “family” is the other drug mules, assassins, and prostitutes you live and work with. You can take walks with them. Just don’t leave your assigned area of the village, look like you’re stealing anything, or wear clothes where you could hide stuff you’re stealing.
The best. The worst. You don't need to decide, because we do for you.