Yes, your boss sucks. He doesn’t understand work-life balance. She’s impossible to talk to and kills your creativity. But before you whine further about how your boss makes life a living hell, compare your plight to employees of the “worst boss in the world,” Carlos Montalvinho.
YOUR BOSS: Makes you feel guilty if you leave before six o’clock.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO: Makes you sleep in a bunk in the back room with six other dudes who you’re not allowed to speak with or you’ll be murdered. So you walk back there in silence, every night, trying not to make eye contact, and curl up in your tiny bed that could have been designed for sailors in the 18th century on some horrible ship that ended up getting frozen in the Antarctic.
YOUR BOSS: Can’t seem to separate your work life from your personal life. Sends you emails on weekends. Schedules “fun” work activities on Saturdays that aren’t fun and are all work.
CARLOS MONALVINHO: Doesn’t recognize there is such a thing as a weekend. You just have to work all day and then sleep in that room with the six other dudes. Is it Saturday? Who knows, because Carlos doesn’t let anyone in the office look at clocks or calendars. Am I fifty years old already? Or am I twenty-six? Again, you have no idea and never will.
YOUR BOSS: Pulls you into her office for uncomfortable “one on one” meetings where she yells at you for making a typo.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO: Has guys with neck tattoos escort you to his office where you sit down and he just stares at you to see if you’ve been stealing or lying to him. You can’t speak because Carlos is convinced he has the ability to sense your loyalty and honesty simply by using his creepy stare. As he gazes upon you in judgment, you hear people behind you cocking pistols, snapping garrotes, and preparing plastic bags that will fit over your head.
YOUR BOSS: Holds awkward office holiday parties where you sing happy birthday to some secretary you don’t even know. Then you can’t leave because if you’re the first one to go, she acts really pissy and makes a speech about how some people don’t have “team spirit” and leave parties early.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO: Organizes monthly parties designed to “reward” his workers. These consist of nasty prostitutes and drugs no one wants to take but does so that Carlos isn’t pissed off. While all this is happening, you have no idea what time it is or how old you are.
YOUR BOSS: Gives you bi-yearly performance reviews, which she uses to point out all your faults and gives you a half-hearted pep talk about how you have so much potential but aren’t realizing it.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO: Flat out murders you if your production level is off by even a micro infinitesimal fraction of a number you don’t know or understand.
YOUR BOSS: Gets pissed if you take too long of a lunch or arrive at work even five minutes late.
CARLOS MONTALVINHO: Makes you wear a shock collar that zaps you if you oversleep or wander beyond your fifteen by fifteen foot work station.
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