Tired of listening to that asshole who says all vodka is the same? Then read on as The Intergalactic Business Report examines the inside deal on the world's top vodka brands (and some you just drink because, well, you've given up...). Using our proprietary brand deconstruction system, we tell you what the real message is behind the fancy ads and stupid looking bottles. 1. Grey Goose. Be a classy alcoholic. 2. Smirnoff. Fuck it. Let’s get drunk. 3. Banker’s Club. When Smirnoff is too fancy, get drunk with us. 4. Tito’s. We’re from Austin, so we had to make our name sound like a taco truck. 5. Ketel One. Ketel Two is where we take shits. 6. Stolichnaya. Your first step in being an ‘80’s asshole. Bonus: Chernobyl what? 7. Belvedere. Try drinking this without thinking of the theme song to “Mr. Belvedere.” 8. Absolut. Drink enough and the nonsense on our bottles will start making sense. 9. Chopin. Inspired by drunk piano players. 10. Ciroc. Drink this and you may wake up at P-diddy’s house tomorrow. Or in your lame apartment. Yeah, probably there. Online shopping has increased by 8 zillion percent from 1985, when it didn't exist. Now you can buy anything by typing, clicking, and giving your personal information to a company who will soon after send you an email saying you've been "compromised." Why walk to a real store and risk being mugged, when you can have it done virtually from the comfort of your lazy couch? Anyway, here's what's behind the biggest online shopping brands. 1. Wayfair: for men who want to finally come out to their wives. 2. Amazon: Stuck with a name that wasn’t even cool in the 90’s. 3. Overstock: We were going to name it crap warehouse… 4. Walmart.com: Buy our crap without having to smell the people in our store. 5. Ebay: God knows where this shit has been. 6. Zappos: In another life, we would have been a clown. 7. Craig’s list: The merchandise costs money. The murdering when you come to pick it up is free. Once again, our proprietary research brings you the hidden messages behind the world's most popular brands (as well as some that people don't really give a shit about). This week, we focus on beer. Bud Light: Our beer sucks, so here’s a lame new catchphrase you can repeat to your lame friends. Dos Equis: We’re not really Mexican, so here’s some weird shit to make you not think about that. Heineken: If you’re a douche, you’re already drinking our beer and that’s good enough for us. Coors Light: The only way you can drink this shit is if it’s so cold it doesn’t matter. Old style: This is what you drink right before you kill yourself. Corona: Mexicans don’t drink our beer but dickheads from 80’s beach movies do. Pabst Blue Ribbon: For 25-year-old assholes with beards. Sam Adams: If we weren’t constantly telling you how great our beer is, you’d just drink it and say, “Yeah, this tastes like Miller Lite.” Miller lite: When you really just don’t give a shit about anything anymore, drink this. Every week, or month, or whenever, we break down what brands are really saying about themselves. Yes, this is scientific. We look at current and past ad campaigns, observe customers and corporate culture, and even sometimes eat, drive, or have sex with their products. What we uncover will baffle and amaze you. This week, we explore the automobile category: Nissan: The preferred car of people with herpes. Infiniti: The same as Nissan, but also if you’re an asshole. Chevrolet: If you have to buy American, then I guess this will work… Ford: Driving us is like beating off to a Land’s End catalog. Porsche: Since Jake in 16 candles, no attractive man has driven one. Volvo: Still trying to pretend we’re Swedish. Because Swedish is good, right? Volkswagen: Invented by Hitler, driven by you. Subaru: So boring, but at least you won’t die. Range Rover: We can fit a whole family of pricks in one of these. Chrysler: Start getting excited about our new… Oh, forget it. Toyota: We’re the car your dad buys you. And your dad is a dick. Honda: Like a condom, we could break, and you won’t get any real pleasure from using us. BMW: Hop in, fake rich people. Jeep: The next time it snows, you can find us in a ditch. Hyundai: Yeah, we kept the name “Hyundai.” So fuck you. Lexus: Toyota for douchebags. Every week, or month, or whenever, we break down what brands are really saying about themselves. Yes, this is scientific. We look at current and past ad campaigns, observe customers and corporate culture, and even sometimes eat, drive, or have sex with their products. What we uncover will baffle and amaze you. This week, we explore the fast food category: Carl’s Junior: Only eaten by people who’ve done amateur porn. Wendy’s: Check out our meat. Don’t look at the people who eat it. Sonic: Two dudes eating together in a car… all the time. That’s not weird. Taco Bell: We stopped caring about anything eighteen years ago. Now drink from the meat hose and shut up. Subway: When you have no other options… you’ll eat this. Burger King: We’re Canadian. That’s what the weird stuff about the guy dressed up as the “King” is all about. Long John Silver’s: We wanted to call it Long Dong Silver’s, but that was taken. KFC: We didn’t actually shorten our name to three letters because we didn’t want you to see the word “fried.” It was because we didn’t want you to see the word “Kentucky.” Papa John’s Pizza: Every time our founder says, “hey, wouldn’t it be great if I were in all the commercials?” we say, “uh yeah… that'd be great.” * *UPDATE: Every time our founder says a racial slur at a media training session, we say, "uh yeah...I guess you're not gonna be in any of our commercials... ever again." Chipotle: Don’t think we’re not making you fat. Domino’s: Eat our crap and you’ll wake up tomorrow like you had sex with the devil. Chik-fil-A: Closed on Sundays because unlike you, we believe in God. Bonus message: You heathens are hungry, aren’t you? Panera: You’re welcome, douches. This is for all for you. |
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April 2024
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