An angry letter to IBR from Phil Ratuliak. Please KEEP f-ing with me.

As part of our commitment to fairness and worldwide peace, the Intergalactic Business Report agreed to publish Phillip Ratuliak’s letter to us. While we stand by our writing and claims about Mr. Ratuliak, we also respect his lame attempt to refute us.
 
 
Dear readers of the Intergalactic Business Report:
 
Maybe a year ago, a friend of mine told me that my name was mentioned in this publication. I’d never heard of it, so I looked it up, and found the article. I believe it was about how I supposedly had a museum in the bathroom of my house called “The Largest Contiguous Human Shit Museum.”
 
I dug deeper and found more articles, each more disturbing and inappropriate than the last. In one, it’s suggested that people name their penis after me. Another claims I am a creature from outer space. Their obsession even included naming a cocktail after me. 
 
I want to make something clear to anyone who may be reading this. I do not know anyone at the Intergalactic Business Report. I have never met anyone there. I have absolutely no association with them whatsoever. 
 
I did have a short phone call, in which I asked them if they would please stop using my name in their publication. I was directed to one of their editors who explained to me that the stories written about me had been done by writers from an alternative universe, who had come through a portal, written their articles, and then returned to their dimension.
 
The editor then asked if he could borrow money from me. I told him no. He suggested I could pay him for an “advertorial,” which would be a positive article about me. I told him I didn’t need that. I just wanted him to stop putting out nonsense about me and my life that wasn’t true. He muttered something about how I didn’t understand how expensive Taco Bell was. That was the extent of our conversation.
 
After threatening a lawsuit, I received notice from IBR that they would agree to publish my own words so that readers could hear from me. They also brought up the advertorial again. I found that to be a TOTALLY NORMAL idea and one that I WANTED BADLY. They said it would cost ten thousand dollars. Again, I made it clear to them that I would TOTALLY BE interested in some fake story about myself. I also found it COMPLETELY NORMAL to ask me for ten thousand dollars, which I would HAPPILY pay them.
 
The Intergalactic Business Report agreed to publish this letter, in my own words, and to KEEP PUMPING OUT THOSE AWESOME stories bearing my name. 
 
Thank you for reading,
 
Phil Ratuliak