Kris Krohn texts to famous, fat dead people that might have saved their lives.

It’s no secret that entrepreneuroexpert Kris Krohn is like a demigod to the Intergalactic Business Report. His wisdom and guidance have led us to the realization that talent, genius, morality, and conviction are superficial traits compared with body fat count and weight. It was all so simple, and yet it took Krohn to make us understand that we should never engage with those who don’t have great bodies because it is the physical form that tells us a human’s true worth. 
 
Critics may say that Krohn is emphasizing the superfluous over the depth of someone’s soul and character, but that’s crap. Like King Xerxes, Krohn is kind and willing to work with people on their weight loss journeys. We recognize love when we see it and are dedicated to spreading the word of Krohn even to the deceased, who could have used his benevolence to change their fates. 
 
Following our groundbreaking article featuring suggested Kris Krohn letters to fat billionaires, the Intergalactic Business Report gives Krohn texts he can still send to fat dead people, illustrating that personal growth is eternal.
 
Marlon Brando. 
I wish I could sit down with you and counsel you on your weight.  I liked Streetcar Named Desire, but I would LOVE to see Marlon’s body losing weight is desired. When you were on the waterfront, did you eat a bunch of churros? You could have been a contender (to do business with Kris Krohn) if you weren’t so fucking fat. Here’s an offer you can’t refuse—two for one Whoppers. 
 
Elvis Presley.
With all due respect, your physical appearance has hindered your legacy. I feel like you love me some chicken tenders instead of loving your body and the result is that if we were contemporaries, you and I would be totally incompatible and I would never associate myself with you. I can respect the Karate stuff because that demonstrated some physical fitness, but the fried banana and peanut butter sandwiches showed a total lack of control. 
 
Fatty Arbuckle.
You wouldn’t have killed that girl if you were more focused on your own body.
 
Jabba the Hut
I guess you’re gonna have to kill me because I refuse to pay my debt till you’ve lost at least three thousand pounds. 
 
John Candy.
Sure you’re funny. But are you Kris Krohn funny? I feel like you wasted your comic genius on being fat instead of doing whatever I do. I hereby refuse to watch your films until you show the kind of discipline it takes to accomplish something in your life.

Dom DeLuise.
Mel Brooks and Johnny Carson may love you, but you will never make it in this world unless you push yourself to your limit by working out while someone with an iphone films you and asks if you were always a grunter.  
 
The Fat Boys.
I’m assuming you’re all dead from heart attacks by now but if any of you made it to becoming “fat men” I just want you to know I will never collaborate on an album or anything else with you till you start pushing yourselves and your bodies to do what you are capable of. 
 
Fat Jim Morrison. 
Jim, it wasn’t the drugs that killed you. It was the fatness. I’m just touching base to let you know that your music is worthless unless you have total control of your body. You should have broken on through to a diet and exercise plan, but you chose to be a stranger and blind to every meal you eat. 
 
Chris Farley.
Now that you’re dead, I think it’s a teachable moment for those of us who are still living and alive. I want you to really really think about what kind of legacy you’ve left compared to someone like me, who posts Instagram videos, does real estate, and has like seven percent body fat. Besides all the legendary stuff on Saturday Night Live and movies like Tommy Boy, is there even one video of you working out and telling people way too much information about your personal life as you crush weights and get super agitated? And yes, that would be a great Chris Farley sketch. You’re welcome. 

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