Kris Krohn won’t work with fat people. We write his breakup letters for him.

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In what can only be described as business news that might shift the planet off its rotational axis, entrepreneurophysicist Kris Krohn announced he will not do deals with people he considers overweight. 
 
Let’s recap what Krohn recently announced:
 
“If you’re overweight I’m not going into business with you and here’s why. I’m already concerned because it already starts telling me some things about your discipline, your persistence, and where you have weakness in your life. Listen, it’s not like you’ve got to be perfect, but I also don’t want a walking heart attack as my business partner. I build things to last. I go long term. At the end of it I get concerned when I’m aligning my values with someone that doesn’t share that perspective on health because they’re making all sorts of other choices in their life that could ultimately hurt the business.”
 
Clearly, this announcement will send shivers through the business world and its implications will be far reaching. Because Kris Krohn is essentially a patron saint at the Intergalactic Business Report, we have decided to give him some totally free assistance that we believe will save him time and money. As fat, obese, or just not in great shape business people contact Krohn to beg for deals and waste his time, he will not be able to make ten grand a pop videos and he will be distracted from his goal of becoming a trillionaire. 
 
So, good news, Kris. We are writing your breakup letters for you. All you need to do is cut, paste, send, and you will never hear from the flabby, groveling, billionaires who seek your genius and guidance. These short and sweet missives will release you from their never-ending solicitations. 
 
 
To: Warren Buffet CEO Berkshire Hathaway.
 
Warren, 
 
Not saying you’re fat, but I pronounce your last name Buh-fay.  I know you’re 93, but I’m living to be 140 and I will soon surpass you. When I’m 93, my bod is gonna be ripped because I can control enzymes and stuff with my mind. Anyway, just letting you know that I will never do business with you. 
 
Best, Kris Krohn.
 
 
To: Elon Musk, CEO of Tesla and Space X.
 
Dear Elon,
 
You need to tighten up, bro. Till then, no deals with me. Your discipline and persistence are questionable. 
 
Keep it tight,
 
Kris Krohn.
 
 
To: Gautam (too much salami) Adani, Founder Adani Group.
 
Dear Gautam,
 
Just saw your picture and you are fat, bro. I wanna tell you to not even think about doing any biz with me. You look like a walking heart attack and you don’t build things to last, like I do. 
 
Later daze, 
 
Kris Krohn
 
P.S. You’re weak. 
 
 
To:  Carlos (not so slim) Helu, Honorary Chairman, América Móvil.
 
Carlos,
 
Just wanna stay ahead of the game and tell you not to contact me about any deals till you can prove to me you can keep the weight off for a consistent period of time. You will thank me for giving you the discipline to be better at business and life.
 
Peace,
 
Kris Krohn
 
 
To: Oprah Winfrey, Chairwoman and CEO, Harpo Productions; Chairwoman and CCO OWN.
 
Hey girl. Let’s be real. I know your weight has fluctuated over the years and that’s given me a lot of pause about ever going into business with you. I know this is harsh but no deals till you show me you have the dedication to stay underweight. I’m rooting for you.
 
You've got this,
 
Kris Krohn

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