In the recent past, I made the move to elect Entreprinfluencer Kris Krohn as my personal president for life, accepting his rules and oversight as a citizen of his dominion, whatever the cost or sacrifice. But after watching more of Krohn on Instagram, I’ve come to the conclusion that making him my president was a step too short. Way too short.
Krohn, for all his business brilliance and star power can be easily seen as simply a mega successful purveyor of wisdom and bio-energy, but a deeper look reveals he is much much more. Today, I am prepared to officially recognize Kris Krohn as a demi-god and I hope everyone will follow suit soon or may they be crushed by Krohn's wrath and beg for his divine mercy.
I’m still working out the rules for worshipping Krohn, but I feel those will come to me now that I’ve accepted him as my protector and devoted myself to being his supplicant. “Hold up Ed!” That’s what your mouth may be saying if you read this. You continue, with fear dripping from your mouth, “I understand that if Kris Krohn is indeed a god, then you need to worship him now, as I and everyone on earth should do without hesitation. But what if you’re wrong and he’s just a narcissist who posts dumb shit on the internet?”
To this I say, watch your spiritual cornhole, Mike, because if you question Kris Krohn again, you will be reamed by a mighty lightning bolt or other cosmic, butt-entering torture device Krohn creates to smite you. I warned you. But, still, I’m going to lay out some evidence so that you can submit to Krohn before it’s too late. Also, I feel that by converting you, I will gain major points with my new lord. Here we go:
God much? 15 reasons Kris Krohn is a demi-god (or maybe even a full-on god).
1. He will live forever. That’s kind of the number one requirement for being a god. So he’s got that.
2. He can turn off the dopamines that arouse him when he sees hot women. (I assume he can also turn them on and seduce chickens or whatever he desires, and I just chose chickens randomly so don’t make it a whole thing).
3. Like other deities, he is immune to sickness, because if, for instance, Ebola or cancer arises, he can just say: “No, I’m good.” He doesn’t give his body permission to have a bad day.
4. He is 100% authentic as verified by his sister-in-law who at first thought he was a total ass for saying things like he is going to live forever, can cure sickness, and has the ability to turn on and off his dopamine flow with his mind, but then realized that his filmed statements were not a sign of malignant narcissism but rather just his real opinions and how he actually feels about himself, which means he’s not a narcissist—just someone who authentically believes he is superior to all other human beings and has supernatural powers. Like a god, perhaps?
5. He can disappear for two weeks anywhere on the planet and kill a mountain goat and carry it on his back uphill for miles because doing this is a practical, forgotten skill from a time when men would take two weeks, leave their homes, and travel to another side of the planet to kill mountain goats.
6. He is able to have holiday dinners with his envious extended family and still enjoy himself because he’s overcome any anxiety about being way more successful and rich than everyone there and worrying about their opinion of him as being so crazy rich he doesn’t belong in the same family as them.
7. He can persuade his wife to live with him for eternity in their bed.
8. His body is perfect because he just said it.
9. He can have conversations with his body when he stands naked in front of his mirror. They talk about all kinds of shit, but mostly about how good the body thinks it looks, but that’s not Kris saying he looks great—it’s his body, which is a completely separate and independent entity that just has really high self-esteem and can communicate that, but just to Kris Krohn.
10. He built a “fortress of solitude” out of crystals that his wife is into.
11. He has a “10” style. All the way up from a four now that he wears purple shoes.
12. He doesn’t wait in line because he hates lines.
13. He paid his mentor hundreds of thousands of dollars to mentor him. Most mentors cost millions or are free.
14. He has his own octagon and has people come in to “beat the shit out of each other” for his amusement. Toying with humans? Making them fight one another? This seems like stuff the dudes on Mount Olympus would be into... Wait a second... Those "dudes" are all gods. Hmmmm.
15. He’s figured out that sleep is a waste of time even though he’s in bed with his wife a lot and not just for sex but also to stare at each other and confirm they will both live forever. But not sleep.
Editor’s note: In Ed Mountaineer’s last article about Kris Krohn, he listed Krohn’s future net worth as being in the hundreds of billions. Recent posts indicate he will actually become a trillionaire. We regret the error.
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.
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