Pentagon admits it’s been testing UFO wreckage. We tell you the “advanced technology” they found.

Alien drivers, no survivors.

Last week, the Pentagon confirmed it’s been testing the wreckage from UFO crash sites.  A freedom of information act request led the agency to release some 150 pages of reports and notes about what the U.S. Government found. Although much of the information is “redacted” and blotted out because it is considered “classified,” the Intergalactic Business Report was able to use its own technology to look beneath the blacked-out words on the page.
 
Over and over, Pentagon officials refer to “advanced technology,” but until now no one has been able to ascertain what that technology is. We did. And you won’t believe it.
 
 
 
Advanced alien technology found by the Pentagon:
 
 

• They have a thing where they can make “restaurant style” tortilla chips that taste like they’re from an actual restaurant. So the next time you have people over and say you made chips that are just like the ones you get at a Mexican restaurant, don’t. Because unless you have an alien device that makes actual “restaurant style” chips, you’re just going to disappoint your guests. Again. As usual.

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• They have a voice-changing device that makes the user sound exactly like Mr. T. And before you say that that isn’t a big deal because you can make your own voice sound like Mr. T., just stop, because you don’t sound anything like him even if people tell you “Yeah, you do sound like Mr. T. That’s a pretty good imitation.” It’s not and you suck at it. They just say that because you’re always doing your stupid Mr. T. imitation and everyone wants it to stop, so they humor you. Seriously stop doing it.  

 

• The Pentagon found that aliens have this other thing that gives you the ability to say something interesting once in a while instead of constantly blathering on about your fucking bullshit. This technology would be especially helpful to you.

 

• Another really cool tech advance aliens enjoy is a machine that controls your rage and anger so that you can face people you can’t stand and still have civil conversations with them after they’ve done stupid shit to you like plan a dinner party on the exact day you were going to plan one and then have everyone over and serve them “restaurant style” tortilla chips that taste like ass and then do their stupid Mr. T. imitation that everyone fake laughs at for hours. 

 

• Oh, and by the way, Derek, you fucking suck. That’s what the aliens said, not me. The Pentagon confirms this. They think you suck too.

 

• One other thing they found in the UFO wreckage was a laser thing you point at bottles of wine that are brought to a dinner party so that you can tell which one is the best one that should be opened first instead of the nasty shit that Rachel found at Target or something and you said, “Oh, let’s open the bottle Rachel brought.” The UFO thing would totally not allow that to ever happen. 

 

• The aliens also apparently hate the name, “Derek,” because for some reason they know anyone with that name is a total douche and this goes back to ancient times before the universe was created so if you happen to have that name it’s like you were a space rock everyone hated.

 

• Oh, yeah, and they found a part of a spaceship that fell off that’s made of a material that makes me a better person than you, Derek. That’s what it really comes down to. I care about things and you don’t. I have real friends and you just have people who pretend to like you because you’re “handsome” and “funny” and “charming” and whatever. I’m real. Aliens confirm this. 

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