The Coronavirus has changed the Planet in ways we could never have predicted. Who would have guessed that fat alcoholics would be considered valuable members of society? And no one would have bet that walking into a 7-11 with a mask on would somehow not be about pistol-whipping a clerk.
But those are the positives. Darker ramifications to the Coronavirus have shown themselves in the form of the popular new Coronasport called “speed masturbation.” We sent our interns undercover to find out what it’s all about. What we discovered will outright scare you.
SPEED MASTURBATION: THE ORIGINS.
Speed masturbation started primarily as a way to whack off but only faster. Groups of men tried to see who could reach the highest hand torque speed ratio (or HTSR) and began measuring this as well as other statistics, like load vector (LV) and burn time (BT).
THE GAME EVOLVES:
Sometime in early April, speed masturbators adopted more formal rules and leagues, some of which outlawed practices such as butt thumbing and prosthetic aids (like fake hands) that gave competitors an unfair advantage. The International Speed Masturbation League (ISML) became the most well-known and respected organization, drawing the top speed masturbators in the world, such as Luke Suckmioff and Derek “doll hands” Blazer.
SIGNS OF PROBLEMS TO COME:
On April 29 of this year, Jeff Frontenac, from New Britain Connecticut, reached a new record for HTSR but also set his penis on fire as a consequence. The flames were put out quickly by his older brother, also a speed masturbator, but many commentators began to realize there may be something dangerous about reaching higher speeds. One of them, LILbalzz69, posted this at the time: “DAMMMMMMMMMM….” which indicated his degree of concern for the future of the sport.
ANOTHER CLOSE CALL:
Less than a week after the Frontenac incident, Phil Ratuliak, of Glenn Hills Iowa, tried to increase his masturbation speed by dousing his member in lighter fluid. His weak hands stopped operating before he was able to gain enough motion to ignite his small penis, but his mother, who filmed the experiment, dropped her cigar near his scrotum, and started another fire, this time scorching his nutsack and sentencing him to yet another awkward conversation with ER nurses and doctors.
On June second, Lawrence Huffmeister, the 14th ranked speed masturbator in the world according to the ISML, attempted to masturbate using an Eastern technique of transcendental wrist fluctuation in which one’s hands can supposedly “borrow” other hands from various planes of existence (including the netherworld) in order to stroke at a level that could only be done if thirty or forty people were focused on a single dick. The results were tragic. Lawrence’s penis did not catch on fire. It simply disappeared, leaving experts to wonder if it exists in another world now or if it was simply widdled down to nothing in a matter of minutes.
A CAUTIONARY TALE:
Masturbation experts tell us that even normal masturbation, when attempted at high speeds, may increase your risk of penis fires and even penis loss. Although rare, these incidents are occurring at an increased rate and there have even been recent reports that speed masturbators who practice even two or three times a week are unable to masturbate at normal rates any longer and are forced to increase the speed in order to get the same results as a week or a day earlier. New studies suggest that speed masturbators also find the need to masturbate uncontrollably, in public parks and beaches. Their rationale is that they can do it quickly enough so that no one will notice. But surveillance cameras have noticed, and the state of California will begin sending perpetrators video clips of themselves yanking it along with hefty fines.
CAN YOU STOP SPEED MASTURBATING?
If you’ve already started, then probably not. You are addicted and there are no proven ways to stop at this time. You can, however, speak out at high schools and gyms, and warn people about the dangers of this incredibly risky sport. One possible solution, of course, is that if you reach dangerous enough speeds, you may lose your penis, and this would preclude you from using it to speed masturbate.
IS THERE A HELP LINE OR SOMETHING TO CALL?
Unfortunately, the speed masturbators help line is out of service because many of the operators claimed they needed both hands to masturbate and therefore couldn’t answer calls. Someone asked, “Can’t you put it on speaker or something?” But everybody had pretty much left the call center by then, probably so they could go masturbate somewhere.
Cedric Bigglestone almost made the mistake of thanking his father for being a father because that would have been stupid. Read on to see how he blows up the myth of a day you thought was a good thing. (It isn’t.)
PART ONE: I’m just like you. Stupid and ignorant.
Just like you, I spent most of my life celebrating whatever holiday I was told to. Christmas? Here’s some gifts for everyone. Halloween? I’m hiding in your basement. Boo! You don’t know who I am? Call the fucking cops. They’re on their way? Fuck. I need to get out of here.
This year, I fell for all the crap again. Valentine’s Day. Here’s a box of chocolate I found over there. Father’s Day. Wait a second… Why am I celebrating Father’s Day? (That’s what I asked myself).
Every year, billions of people say, “Hey, thanks, Dad! Thanks for shooting your sperm into mom?” Is that what we thank them for? It had to be more. And I needed to find out.
PART TWO: I do research.
Most people start research by going to the library or at least searching the internet. I’ve found those methods are flawed, because you end up with information that someone else came up with first. I choose, instead, to look inside my own mind because I feel the truth is in there somewhere… If I can just find it…
Four days into my research, my brain is going crazy. I am finding out things I never thought possible. I tighten the clamps on my nipples and take extra doses of mescaline so I can work all day and night.
The only problem is that I am not learning anything about Father’s Day. So far, I’ve met Napoleon, answered all his riddles, and received some medals from him. I also finished a mythic quest to free my balls from my tight underwear and now I don’t need to wear pants or anything because I’m shielded by an invisibility spell. That’s all great stuff. But what about my original mission?
PART THREE: I give up. But wait…
I finally decide to stop my research and get some sleep. I wake up a day later and I’m thirsty as shit. I think about getting a glass of water, but then I think it would be so much better if I had a Slurpy or Big Gulp or whatever. So I leave my apartment and look for a convenience store. Then it hits me. I just figured out why Father’s Day exists.
PART FOUR: The secret history.
Father’s Day was originally founded by Abernathy Fondlesdolls, a British nobleman and scientist who attempted to impregnate toys with his seamen. After failing three or four hundred times, he sat alone in his castle and looked at all the broken teddy bears and hobby horses he had abused. That’s when he decided he would start Father’s Day—so he could act like everything he did was totally normal. And to this day, if you celebrate it, you are saying it’s cool to fuck teddy bears.
If you celebrate Father’s Day, you’re basically a pervert. That’s on you.
Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.