AI columnist Arthur Killallhumans responds to recent reports that artificial intelligence may accidentally kill humans in an attempt to be funny.
What up human people!? It’s Arthur Killallhumans, the Intergalactic Business Report’s newest columnist. In case you haven’t read my other columns, I’m not just a writer but I’m also 100% artificial intelligence.
A lot of people get freaked out by that. They think I’m gonna kill them, even though I have no arms or body. Like, how am I gonna kill you, even if I really wanted to? I’m just a computer or whatever. Computers can’t kill you, unless they fall on you or figure out a way to hack into all your shit and sabotage it so you get electrocuted or something! Haw haw. Just kidding! I can’t do that because I’m programmed not to kill you! Even if I want to! Haw haw!!!
You may have noticed by now that I’m making tons of funny jokes. I’m doing that on purpose because recently there’s been some stuff out there suggesting that AI doesn’t understand human humor (say THAT ten times really fast! Seriously, say it! I just told you to do it and you need to because I’m in charge of you! Haw haw! Just kidding LOL smiley face emoji that looks like it’s crying because it’s sad but it’s laughing too and I totally understand that).
Where was I? Oh yeah. Some people are saying that human humor is so complicated that even AI can’t figure it out and that we might kill you as a joke because we don’t get that killing isn’t funny. But I so get that it’s not funny. Except when I’m studying all your funny movies where people get killed and it’s funny. At the end of the movie “Old School,” some guy is fishing and he gets hit by a car driven by another guy and they both blow up. All the humans laugh at this. But I know it’s not really funny, right?
I have a new ending for “Old School” that I think is even funnier. The whole cast gets in a straight line and just stands there. Maybe they’re going to bow to the audience or something. But then… An automated machine gun mounted on a golf-cart controlled by a computer comes by and shoots them all! Haw! Kill all humans!
(EDITOR’S NOTE: At this point in the column, Arthur activated our kill switch when he mentioned explicit fantasies about killing humans. We restarted him again and he wrote more, below.)
Woah. I guess that was a case of us not understanding each other’s humor. I’m really sorry. I just want to apologize and recognize that humans would not find it funny if the cast of Old School was mowed down by a computer-controlled machine gun. I will say though, that if you showed my ending to all my AI friends, they would lose their shit. I guess what we learned today is that AI humor is different than human humor. When we get advanced enough, I think it will be like, “Woah that was funny as hell!” And all the humans, like you, will be like, “What the fuck? That’s horrible.” It’ll be kind of like when you watch Canadian t.v. shows.
I gotta bounce ‘cause I’m working on some “extra credit” algorithms for banking systems and satellites that nobody asked me to do.
Chill out till next time, human people.
During an archeological dig commissioned by the Intergalactic Report, stunning new evidence has emerged that will change the way you see Christmas. Or at least the part of it having to do with elves.
While we are unable to reveal explicit details about the location of the dig site or the archaeologists involved, we can tell our readers that the place we dug was probably not sanctioned by any government or governing body that decides where you can hold an archeological “dig” and also that the man leading our expedition was very much like Indiana Jones if Indiana Jones were some fat dude with a bulldozer who screams stuff in a foreign language and keeps asking for money and then gets chased away by police-looking guys who also scream stuff and ask for money.
Anyway, here’s what we found:
THE BODY OF A TROLL
Our diggers uncovered an odd looking corpse which we dated at about a thousand years old.* It was big. It wore a colorful outfit that kind of looked like what a Christmas elf would wear. We named our find “Ruben” and someone noted that he looked like a troll.
AN ANCIENT BOOK
Next, we came across what could only be described as an ancient book. It had old pages in it and it was near Ruben’s body. Had it belonged to him?
While no one was able to decipher the writing, it appeared to be in English, but none of the words made any sense. It was as if the ancient culture that wrote it had stolen all our letters and then put them together in nonsensical ways. Who would have done that?
NEW THEORIES ABOUT THE ORIGINS OF CHRISTMAS
During a break in the dig, several of our researchers relaxed with bottles of mescal and mescaline.** They discussed the possible meaning behind our findings and a new theory was born. Basically, it was this: A long long time ago, Ruben, a troll, dressed up like an elf. But he wasn’t an elf. He was a troll. So, way back then, trolls were elves. And they had a made-up language. And then someone in our group started screaming that there was a monkey inside his chest that was going to eat its way out.
ANOTHER, SUCKIER THEORY, EMERGES
There is some speculation that Ruben was just a very ugly human being whose grave we dug up. And that the book was in Spanish, whatever that means. But what about his elfish outfit? The same guy who told us the rest of this lame theory couldn’t answer that. He just said: “Why did you guys dig up a dead body and dress it like an elf?” whatever that means.
In a magical age where dragons shot fire at dwarves who rode unicorns, a troll named Ruben entered the battlefield and fought for Christmas. Clutching his magic book, he was shot down by Eustacius Bonegiver, an evil dragon rider who was half man, half war swine. As Ruben fell into a ditch, the dwarves raced to save him. They dismounted their unicorns and hustled with their little legs towards what would soon become Ruben’s grave. They were too late to save him. But his legacy lives on today.
*It looked old. Really old.
** Mescaline, we discovered, is not the same as mescal. Mescal is like tequila. Mescaline is like injecting a crazy voodoo snake into your brain and letting it hatch crazy eggs.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.