“Fleet of UFOs” Seen Near NASA Space Station is the recent headline that sent Intergalactic Business Report editors into a frenzy as they realized that putting things in quotes can make anything true.
It seems almost too simple (and too brilliant) to believe, but ingenious journalists have cracked a code that allows otherwise questionable claims to become totally true by simply adding quotation marks. Feeling we can be trusted with this new power, we began to generate our own true headlines.
“Evil pope” now controls Vatican?
I am “attractive to women.”
My penis is “ten inches long.”
“Alien invaders” now among those “lining up to see my penis.”
This five-dollar bill is worth “4.2 million dollars,” and now I own your bar.
“Special forces agents” are “tracking me” using “alien mind software” they carry in their “dicks.”
I just sucked “my own” dick.
It’s now a “law” that I can scream on public transportation.
The “U.S. Senate” has “ruled” that it is “totally cool” for me to drill a hole in your wall and watch you.
Alcohol makes my dick “huge,” and I can “play sports” with it if I want to.
I am “good” at sex.
After ten hours of drinking I am “totally” sober, so you “have to” give me another shot “for free.”
My nutsack is “completely normal” and “doesn’t” look like I’ve been pounding it with a meat tenderizer every day for the last seventeen years.
If you haven’t heard about the Mandela Effect, you may be from a different part of the multiverse where people don’t know what the Mandela Effect is. If you’re not from wherever that is, you know that people are having mass false memories about things like whether Curious George had a tail or not and if “Febreze” used to actually be named “Febreeze.”
Fascinated by this proof that wormholes and quantum physics are true, the Intergalactic Business Report commissioned a new, in-depth study to identify new Mandela Effects you’ve never heard of before. We list the most mind-blowing examples below.
-Many people remember “The United States of America” as being “Duh United States of America.”
-Some survey takers remember the television show “Lost in Space” as being a porno.
-A clear memory for some is that a “Happy Ending” at a massage parlor was just called “getting jacked off by a prostitute who pretends to know how to do massages but then just jacks you off instead.”
-People claim that the word “muffin” was not a breakfast pastry, but rather a name for stuck-up prep school girls from Connecticut.
-The Wreckx-N-Effect song, Rumpshaker, is remembered by many as “Booty-Gyrator.”
-Colonel Sanders is remember by many as First Sergeant Marty Abromowicz. And his fried chicken sucked.
-The Elton John song, “Tiny Dancer” was instead, “Tony Danza,” according to many we interviewed.
-Several people told us they remember clearly that “eating ass” meant consuming a donkey.
-On the “Dukes of Hazzard,” the character “Crazy Cooter,” was known as “Mentally Ill Vagina,” and his catch phrase was, “I may be mentally ill, but my intelligence isn’t low. Not super high either. But definitely above average. At least for Hazzard County where everyone pretty clearly has lead poisoning or something.”
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.