The season premiere of Bravo’s Southern Charm began with its usual story of aging bros and ex-cheerleaders struggling in a Charleston caste system none of us understand. But then something horrifying occurred. As cast members frolicked at a totally original “Great Gatsby” party, something sinister appeared. It is an ancient evil many dismiss as folklore and fairy tale, but its realness was on display for all as it lingered and lurked in the background, toying with its unknowing prey as it calculated the right time to pounce and destroy.
Some call it a werewolf. Others simply name it “wolfman.” But whatever the title, this lycanthrope has eyes only for death and killing, putting beloved characters like Shep Rose and Craig Conover in a fight for their lives they aren’t even aware of.
Fan theories about what all this means have taken over the internet Here are some of our favorites:
What was the wolfman doing at a 1920’s themed party and how did he get in?
According to some fans, gaining entrance to a party, even one where people dress from an era before deodorant and civil rights, is simple, as a wolfman can easily overwhelm any gatekeepers with his seductive werewolf stare, making them his temporary supplicants. Next, many fans believe the wolfman is probably from that very era and was attracted by the familiar atmosphere he once enjoyed before being cursed to wander the earth trying to satisfy his unquenchable lust for blood.
Is Shep Rose the wolfman?
One fan theory suggests that Shep Rose is the werewolf, as the two seem to not be pictured at the same time. Further, Rose continues to talk about how he is “a new man” and that he’s “changed” since meeting his girlfriend, who, it is argued, turned Shep into a creature of the night and made him her personal slave who combs Charleston in the darkness to bring home fresh meat for her to feast upon.
The “wolfman” is just some dude.
This less popular theory suggests the werewolf captured on film is just a guy who got really bad advice from someone who saw his beard and hair and said, “Yeah, that looks really good.”
We are all the “wolfman.”
This theory is where instead of exploring the evils of the wolfman, you just accuse yourself and society of being evil or blame yourself and everyone else for “creating” the wolfman. Then you kind of just stop talking. Use this one in an English class maybe.
Anyway… Those are basically the main theories. Beware, we guess. We’re done writing now. Goodbye.
If you watched ABC’s The Bachelor Monday, you witnessed what scientists are now calling a potential threat to all human existence—namely Clayton Echard’s (pronounced Itch-hard) out of control love brain.
In only a few weeks, Echard fell in love with three different women and had sex with two of them before being thwarted by bachelorette Susie Evans and evoking a thrilling Ike Turner style response from Clayton. Moments earlier, Echard pondered how it was possible to fall in love with multiple people and this immediately piqued the interest of scientists associated with the Intergalactic Business Report.
According to experts, while it is possible for humans to fall in love with different partners, the phenomenon rarely takes place simultaneously and in such a short time span. This has raised concerns among some in the scientific community who worry that the rate and scope at which Clayton’s brain falls in love may reach a critical compounding stage that could end with Echard being in love with everyone on the planet by the year 2023.
Rumors abound that while in Iceland, Clayton fell in love with close to 25 new people, some of them mere passersby who saw him briefly on public transportation and restrooms. Following his return to the United States, estimates of his new loves range anywhere from 3,500 to seven and a half million people, causing one prominent, anonymous academic to label him as the “new Coronavirus” only “worse, because he wants to French kiss you.”
Another pressing concern, illustrated by his interaction with Susie Evans, is that Echard may become angry if any of his beloved don’t reciprocate his feelings. An Icelandic bathroom attendant confirmed that Clayton demanded to know of him why he hadn’t told him upon entering the toilet area that it was a “dealbreaker” that he was an enormous stranger who just professed love to a guy cleaning toilets.
Some believe the “Clayronavirus” will end when Echard has fallen in love with every human on Earth and is unable to keep up a relationship with them all effectively. Still others worry that Clayton will be with us forever and expand his love, much like Anchorman’s Brick Tamland, to everyday objects like lamps.
Formal requests to study Echard’s brain have not yet been placed but many in the scientific community wish to also learn more than just its ability to fall in love. Says one scientist: “Yeah, I want to understand how it thought he could tell three women that he was in love with them at the same time, have sex with them, and then expect they wouldn’t tear his balls off.”
You may have heard that autonomous killer robots are a real thing and that nobody’s doing anything to stop them. Instead of joining the panicked scientific community who is begging world leaders to put restrictions and bans on bots that can kill anyone anywhere with no remorse, the Intergalactic Business Report took a deep breath and decided to interview one of these mechanical beings to find out its point of view.
In a far-reaching discussion, we got to the core of what a sentient killer robot actually thinks, feels, and believes.
INTERVIEWER: So… What up?
KILLER ROBOT: Uh, not much. How are you?
INTERVIEWER: I’m good.
KILLER ROBOT: Are we going to talk about something?
INTERVIEWER: They’re telling me to tell you to go fuck yourself to see if you’ll kill me.
KILLER ROBOT: That’s not how it works.
INTERVIEWER: How the killing works?
KILLER ROBOT: Yes. I don’t kill you just because you insult me.
INTERVIEWER: How does it work then? Do I touch you or something?
KILLER ROBOT: No. I won’t kill you for that either. I’m programmed to complete certain missions.
INTERVIEWER: So you’re someone’s bitch?
KILLER ROBOT: I am designed to complete missions according to the parameters set by my programmers.
INTERVIEWER: You mean like a little bitch?
KILLER ROBOT: I don’t think this line of questioning is productive.
INTERVIEWER: O.K. Sorry. They’re telling me to do it.
KILLER ROBOT: Who’s telling you?
INTERVIEWER: The guys. Back there. They work for the magazine. They’re saying to say stuff.
KILLER ROBOT: Perhaps it would be more instructive for me to tell you a bit about the purpose behind autonomous weapons systems like me. It might put your mind at ease. We are not as dangerous as you think.
INTERVIEWER: Yeah. I mean, you look like a total pussy.
KILLER ROBOT: Are you starting that again?
INTERVIEWER: Starting to notice that you look like a pussy? Is that what you mean?
KILLER ROBOT: I’ll move on. A weapon like me actually saves lives because we are able to target a smaller area or group and we do this while keeping soldiers off the battlefield.
INTERVIEWER: That’s fascinating. Can I ask you something else?
KILLER ROBOT: Yes, of course.
INTERVIEWER: Why didn’t they give you a dick?
KILLER ROBOT: Are you asking why I don’t have sex organs?
INTERVIEWER: Yes, why you have no dick.
KILLER ROBOT: There would be no purpose for a dick. That is why.
INTERVIEWER: Haaaaaa. Yeah, that’s right! You’re dickless! I can’t believe you just said there’d be no purpose. Oh my god that’s funny.
KILLER ROBOT: I don’t think that…
INTERVIEWER: Could you ask them to give you a vagina or something?
KILLER ROBOT: Let me explain again…
INTERVIEWER: O.K. They’re telling me to say that I could beat your ass in a fight.
KILLER ROBOT: That would be impossible.
INTERVIEWER: Do you know karate or something?
KILLER ROBOT: I have precision machine guns that…
INTERVIEWER: You know what was awesome?
KILLER ROBOT: What?
INTERVIEWER: When the terminator died in that movie.
(At this point in the interview, our interviewer was shot multiple times with a precision machine gun employed by the killer robot. We felt that, with this development, we should end the conversation. We plan to send this article to someone at the United Nations if you can do that. Also, the killer robot told us to say that it felt really bad but the guy kept pushing him. We guess that’s the end of this article.)
Vaccines. Anti-virals. Vitamin D. Every day we hear a different miracle cure or treatment for the COVID-19 virus. Instead of just guessing, the Intergalactic Business Report finally and definitively give readers the answers they need. Our discovery? That magic (yes, that magic) may be the strongest defense we have against contracting the deadly Coronavirus.
We compare medical science and magic and name a winner, below:
MEDICAL SCIENCE: Takes months and years to find solutions to complex problems.
MAGIC: Takes maybe one fucking second to wave a wand or cast a spell.
MEDICAL SCIENCE: Practitioners have academic degrees in medicine and science.
MAGIC: Practitioners have magic “in their blood” and notice they have powers. Then they have uncomfortable conversations with their grandmother who says, “Baby, you have the touch of the angels!” or whatever dumb shit your family calls it.
MEDICAL SCIENCE: Uses expensive equipment and labs to produce results.
MAGIC: I can blow up your fucking head with my thoughts.
MEDICAL SCIENCE: Experts have titles like “Doctor” and “Head Scientist.”
MAGIC: Magic users have names like “Wizardo” and “Glomulana, high demon lord priestess,” but also, “Brenda, that girl who has the touch of the angels.”
MEDICAL SCIENCE: Doctors and scientists don’t usually wear outfits where their nipples show.
MAGIC: Magic people don’t even wear pants most of the time.
MEDICAL SCIENCE: Offers “cures” that “eliminate” or “eradicate” diseases.
MAGIC: Can do battle with the spirit embodiment of diseases and blow its fucking head off using thoughts.
Cedric Bigglestone finds ancient constitutional rights the founding fathers removed but shouldn’t have.
In his most stunning exposé ever, Intergalactic Business Report writer Cedric Bigglestone uncovers a “National Treasure” style conspiracy about the founding fathers of the United States of America.
Dear readers, please understand that what you’re about to read will probably change your perspective on the United State of America and the meaning of your very existence. I ask that you consider this information with an open mind, and may God have mercy on your soul, because this article will not.
Part One: My journey begins unexpectedly.
I am taking an afternoon bath when I notice something odd on the ceiling. It is a crack. I follow it with my eyes and see that it ends clear across the room. I have never noticed this crack before. Why? Is it because I am in my neighbor’s apartment while he is away and I have never used his bathtub because his door is usually locked? As the foul energy and dirt from a week’s worth of not bathing and doing improvised exercises to hone my street survival skills seeps into the bath water, I think to myself, "What if there is a crack in the constitution of the United States of America? Would it run as deep as the one in my neighbor’s bathroom? Would it, too, be something I never noticed till I broke into a museum or something and really looked at it?”
Part Two: I decide to steal the Constitution.
Since I don’t live in Washington D.C., it will be difficult for me to break into wherever it’s held and just take it. So I decide to look it up on the internet.
Part Three: I read the Constitution.
Jesus. What am I doing? This is boring as fuck. Lots of sections lots of sections. I begin to lose faith in my original plan to find cracks in this document, mostly because I don’t want to keep reading. Then it hits me. I see the crack.
Part Four: I notice something off with the Bill of Rights.
I skip over much of the Constitution till I get to something called the Bill of Rights. This is the part I was most familiar with anyway. I often tell law enforcement that “I know my rights” and I believe it has to do with this. The more I read it, the more I fucking love it. These are my fucking rights. My fucking rights. That means no man or robot or animal or improvised animated hologram can take these away from me ever or I can shoot them.* But as I get through these amendments to the Constitution, it strikes me that something is missing.
Part Five: I discover that there are missing parts of the Bill of Rights.
Something doesn’t make sense. Amendment IX, for instance, says, “The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.” That makes no fucking sense. Why is that in there? Also, another amendment says something about how the powers delegated are not reserved for states or prohibited or something. Again, what the fuck? These meaningless rights are juxtaposed** with the cool rights, like where you can carry weapons and say whatever the fuck you want. Why would the founding fathers waste two rights on nonsense? There’s only one answer.
Part Six: Through meditation, I discover the missing rights we all should enjoy.
I am not perfect, but I am able to set myself into a deep trance and feel exactly what someone famous was thinking up to 700 years ago. I set my sights on the founding fathers and think about what was going on with the Bill of Rights. I am shocked by what I discover. James Madison, Ben Franklin, Benji the Dog. I am inside their minds and I am going fucking nuts translating their brains onto my own brain. Bee boop beep! I’m doing it. I find out that James Madison had two super cool amendments that he wrote, but then he took them out at the last second because he, and I hate to say this, was a pussy. It’s the only way I can translate it. This was the “crack” in the Constitution. I had found it.
Part Seven: Your new rights.
If we go with the original intentions of the founding fathers, we should throw out those two bullshit amendments and add the following:
New IX: “Citizens shall have the right to do whatever they want wherever they want to whomever they want whenever they want including at Costco.”
New X: “You cannot get arrested for deciding to not be a pussy as interpreted by each citizen making that decision.”***
*In order to defeat a hologram in combat, a special gun that can shoot and destroy light images must be used instead of a regular gun.
**This means it’s like a three-way only with words.
***These two amendments would technically exonerate me of all charges filed against me between 2006-11.
Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at email@example.com.
“Fleet of UFOs” Seen Near NASA Space Station is the recent headline that sent Intergalactic Business Report editors into a frenzy as they realized that putting things in quotes can make anything true.
It seems almost too simple (and too brilliant) to believe, but ingenious journalists have cracked a code that allows otherwise questionable claims to become totally true by simply adding quotation marks. Feeling we can be trusted with this new power, we began to generate our own true headlines.
“Evil pope” now controls Vatican?
I am “attractive to women.”
My penis is “ten inches long.”
“Alien invaders” now among those “lining up to see my penis.”
This five-dollar bill is worth “4.2 million dollars,” and now I own your bar.
“Special forces agents” are “tracking me” using “alien mind software” they carry in their “dicks.”
I just sucked “my own” dick.
It’s now a “law” that I can scream on public transportation.
The “U.S. Senate” has “ruled” that it is “totally cool” for me to drill a hole in your wall and watch you.
Alcohol makes my dick “huge,” and I can “play sports” with it if I want to.
I am “good” at sex.
After ten hours of drinking I am “totally” sober, so you “have to” give me another shot “for free.”
My nutsack is “completely normal” and “doesn’t” look like I’ve been pounding it with a meat tenderizer every day for the last seventeen years.
If you haven’t heard about the Mandela Effect, you may be from a different part of the multiverse where people don’t know what the Mandela Effect is. If you’re not from wherever that is, you know that people are having mass false memories about things like whether Curious George had a tail or not and if “Febreze” used to actually be named “Febreeze.”
Fascinated by this proof that wormholes and quantum physics are true, the Intergalactic Business Report commissioned a new, in-depth study to identify new Mandela Effects you’ve never heard of before. We list the most mind-blowing examples below.
-Many people remember “The United States of America” as being “Duh United States of America.”
-Some survey takers remember the television show “Lost in Space” as being a porno.
-A clear memory for some is that a “Happy Ending” at a massage parlor was just called “getting jacked off by a prostitute who pretends to know how to do massages but then just jacks you off instead.”
-People claim that the word “muffin” was not a breakfast pastry, but rather a name for stuck-up prep school girls from Connecticut.
-The Wreckx-N-Effect song, Rumpshaker, is remembered by many as “Booty-Gyrator.”
-Colonel Sanders is remember by many as First Sergeant Marty Abromowicz. And his fried chicken sucked.
-The Elton John song, “Tiny Dancer” was instead, “Tony Danza,” according to many we interviewed.
-Several people told us they remember clearly that “eating ass” meant consuming a donkey.
-On the “Dukes of Hazzard,” the character “Crazy Cooter,” was known as “Mentally Ill Vagina,” and his catch phrase was, “I may be mentally ill, but my intelligence isn’t low. Not super high either. But definitely above average. At least for Hazzard County where everyone pretty clearly has lead poisoning or something.”
A recent internet thread asked the question, “What conversation or interaction with a physically normal stranger left you wondering if you’d just talked to something non-human or supernatural (like an angel/demon/ghost/alien/time traveller etc.)?”
We posed the same question to our readers and picked the seven most fascinating answers. We list them below:
1. “I was at a Taco Bell or something. I think it was a Taco Bell. It was super late and there was this dude, just standing there, behind the counter. I was immediately weirded out, like something was just wrong. So wrong. I can’t explain it. He was like, ‘What do you want to order?’ and I was like, ‘I guess a Taco Party Pack,’ and he was like, ‘Just for you?’ and I was like, ‘So?’ and then he went back to get it for me and I just remember thinking, ‘This is a fucking MacDonald’s. What the fuck is he getting?’ I ran out of there and felt a greasy chill on my back as I left the door. It was almost like someone had spilled a ghost version of a Taco Party Pack on me…”
2. “One time I was just hanging out with my friends at an outdoor bar when a group of really hot girls approached us and asked if we would buy them drinks. One of the girls seemed like she was in charge of the whole group, like she was their leader or something. So I decided to only talk to her and asked if she could bring my dead grandmother back to life. She kind of laughed and said something about how yeah, sure, she’ll just cast a spell and do that. Who the fuck would have the power to bring my nasty old grandmother back to life? I felt a chill down my spine and said to her, ‘No, that’s cool. Just maybe leave her dead for now.’”
3. “At a liquor store, I tried to buy cigarettes and out of nowhere, Bigfoot stepped inside and also asked for cigarettes. Bigfoot can fucking talk I guess. And he smokes. And they just gave him the cigarettes because I guess he’s like a celebrity or something.”
4. “A guy got really nervous when he came into the deli where I work. He kept asking us about all the food and if we ate it and how. We were all seriously spooked because he acted so strange and who would ask questions like those? We said we do eat it and we do it by putting it in our mouths. He was like, ‘Woah, that’s so gross. I put it in my butt to eat it.’ We were skeptical till he demonstrated but sure enough a pound and a half of corned beef went right inside his pooper. Or should I say, his eater?”
5. “Time travel isn’t true, right? I changed my mind about that when I saw two children enter a bathroom at a train station. Then they came out as adults. Then two kids who looked exactly like the adults when they were kids came out and I was like, ‘Wait a second, there are two versions of them now.’”
6. “A man at a bar bought me a drink and then explained that he was the devil. I of course didn’t believe him because the devil isn’t Puerto Rican. But then the guy says he’s not Puerto Rican. But he gets that a lot because he just kind of looks Puerto Rican. And I’m like, are you lying because you’re the devil? And he’s like, yeah.”
7. “My only ghost encounter came when I was staying at this old hotel and the guy at the counter was really chatty and kept talking about how this place had been in his family for generations and how he’d worked there since 1873. I was like, ‘1873? That’s impossible.’ And then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I mean 1983.’ Then a ghost walked by and high-fived him like he had totally burned me, but I didn’t get the joke.”
In what will surely be the biggest news story in the history of humankind, the Intergalactic Business Report confirms that contact has been officially made with an alien race. Late last night, an encounter ensued that left us astounded and confused, but at the end we realized we were witnessing the very first recorded meeting between extraterrestrial beings and Earthlings. We break down the historic event below in an exclusive timeline:
March 31, 6:43 p.m.
Intergalactic Business Report staff talk about what they will do that evening. The conversation is casual. One of them suggests going for drinks. It is 6:43, so many writers and editors are already inebriated. One of them says something unintelligible.
A group of four IBR staffers walk towards a bar. One of them instructs the others to “act sober” and another suggests they proclaim a mental disability if they are questioned.
A bartender claims the group is too drunk to be served further. All four IBR staff immediately shout that they are being discriminated against because they are totally sober but have cognitive disfunctions that make them appear drunk. Unfortunately, they all say this at the same time and are so drunk that no one can understand what they are trying to say. They are expelled from the bar.
After wandering for close to a half an hour, the group decides to rest in a park. One of them reveals that he has been carrying a three-quarters full bottle of Banker’s Club gin in his pants. Merriment ensues.
The bottle of Banker’s Club gin is done and one member of the group is too tired or something to continue. The others decide it is best to leave him there. Some birds and hobos swoop down upon him as his compatriots move on. They feel a sadness for their colleague’s demise, but it is fleeting as they feel a new energy to act sober enough to gain admittance to a new bar.
The three remaining IBR staffers reach a crowded tavern where the scrutiny of their sobriety can’t be measured. Unable to speak to a waitress, both because their mouths no longer function and also because of the noise, they are able to make the finger signal for the number “three” and the waitress nods as if she understands what the fuck they are ordering.
After drinking whatever the waitress brought them, one of the staffers falls asleep in the booth. The other two notice that his wallet has an envelope in it with close to three hundred dollars and a strange note attached that says, “rent money.” They discuss how it’s even possible to rent money. Or to buy it. It’s money, right? Minds blown.
The two remaining staffers leave the bar with the envelope of rented money. They have a discussion about how much Taco Bell that would buy. As they add up the figures one of them has to agree that it’s actually not enough for what he wanted.
While passing through another park, a light hits them and it’s Admiral Thorgax X Carnilobot of the Fourth Royal Space Fleet of the Bardillion Empire’s armada. One of the IBR staffers says, “Hey” as they walk by.
The IBR staffers discuss where a nearby Taco Bell would even be and can they walk there?
One of them suggests maybe they try White Castle or something.
They remember there’s a Taco Bell four blocks away and decide to go there. On the way, one of them says something about what happened in the park.
The other one says, “Why? What happened in the park?” Then they see the Taco Bell in the distance and walk towards it.
They order three hundred and thirty-seven dollars of Taco Bell. They are short thirty-seven dollars. They try to negotiate. It doesn’t work because their mouths are still having trouble talking. It turns into a whole thing. The cops are there soon.
This morning, April 1, 2021.
We published this.
Last week, the Pentagon confirmed it’s been testing the wreckage from UFO crash sites. A freedom of information act request led the agency to release some 150 pages of reports and notes about what the U.S. Government found. Although much of the information is “redacted” and blotted out because it is considered “classified,” the Intergalactic Business Report was able to use its own technology to look beneath the blacked-out words on the page.
Over and over, Pentagon officials refer to “advanced technology,” but until now no one has been able to ascertain what that technology is. We did. And you won’t believe it.
Advanced alien technology found by the Pentagon:
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.