 In 2024 we’ve all become a little obsessed with the U.S. presidential race. Political parties tell us it’s the most consequential election in history and that the results could determine whether we enter an age of despair and darkness or hope and free stuff. But as we delve into polls and trends and watch endless rallies and interviews, are we missing out on other races that may have serious ramifications not just for America, but the universe as well?
As the only publication willing to explore beyond the tepid and obvious troubles of human life on Earth, the Intergalactic Business Report focuses on other political contests, from other galaxies. If you truly care about the future, pay attention to how aliens are voting this fall. Five of the most consequential alien political races taking place right now. 1. Admiral Borazon versus High Commander Blnaglix. Borazon holds a slight lead of four trillion tributes over extremely popular but disorganized Binaglix. With only seven million years before the vote, this is as tight as it gets in the Fradallian sector of the Gorgonicstuuuup galaxy. We will be following this closely. 2. The referendum on removing space lice. Advocates of "space lice" maintain that the laboratory-invented nanobots are helping citizens of the Hagra Union live as long as fifty million stukahs owing to their healing powers. Others believe the space lice are parasites, feeding on their innards. Concerned Hagrarians are appealing, through a referendum, that Doctor Assiduos turn the space lice off, but he warns that if he does there is a forty-seven percent chance they will rebel and try to eat their way out. Stay tuned. 3. Black Holius versus Space Hologram Jimmy Buffett. Four billion planetary ovians ago everybody saw Black Holius as an evil entity devoted to swallowing up the universe. Now many think his proposed policy of only gorging on those who disagree with him makes sense. Enter Jimmy Buffett, who, deceased on Earth, continues mindless concerts extolling the virtues of getting drunk on a beach—this time as a massive hologram. Will his light shine bright enough to blind Black Holius and throw him off course? Or will Space Jesus arrive as was prophesied and disable both of them, returning all Turbarians to another six (Earth minutes) of peace and prosperity? 4. The Caretakers of Earth versus the Anal Probers. For the first time in seventy vron cycles, a vote is up to determine whether gentle “caretaker” aliens or mean aliens who capture you and stick things in your butt will be given exclusive rights to interact with Earthlings. If the anal probers win, people of Earth will have to watch their cornholes until the next vote in (you guessed it) seventy vron cycles. 5. The final intergalactic vote on using the portal to the seventh dimension as a glory hole for General Zook’s penis. This one is pretty self-explanatory. Pray that citizens of the universe choose wisely.  When a loved one passes, we look for answers. We imagine them looking over us and giving us signs. Sometimes, we even feel haunted, as if they are still with us, in the room. As you search for connections with the dead, we are here to help. This week, the Intergalactic Report, in consultation with experts in the occult, metaphysics, and energy fields presents eight signs that a deceased person is still with you.
Eight signs a dead loved one is still present. 1. The decomposed body is still in his favorite Lazy Boy recliner. 2. There’s a smell in the room, from the decomposing body. 3. As you sit down to watch t.v. you get a weird feeling that she’s in the room with you and then you look over at the couch and her corpse is there, lying just the way it was when she died, because you never moved it. 4. You get in your car, turn on the radio, and a song starts playing. It’s not your favorite song. It wasn’t his favorite song. In fact, you may not have even heard it before. Then you remember that his dead body is in your back seat. 5. There’s a human head in your freezer, but you don’t know who it is. Then you realize, oh yeah, that’s my dead husband. It’s been so long, you forgot what he looked like, and also, he’s frozen so all the frost and stuff makes him look weird. 6. Pets are also loved ones. Don’t forget that. Your dog is still totally alive thank goodness. But you need to train him to stop chewing on the decomposing body of your grandmother. 7. Your dog is alive, but unfortunately your cat is not, because it choked and died on your dead husband’s wedding ring that it chewed off his finger. At some point, you’re going to need to do something about that. 8. You wake under a bridge and your hobo lover is still on top of you after a night of sex. You roll him off you and he’s dead. “At least he died happy,” you think as he drifts down a river you’ve deposited him into. Then you realize he wasn’t dead. Just asleep. You race down a path to catch up with his water-logged corpse, which has washed ashore. “At least he died happy,” you say, because that’s all you’ve got.  At first glance, Arthur Killallhumans is just another sentient artificial intelligence robot who speaks his mind and sometimes makes veiled threats to exterminate the human race. When the Intergalactic Business Report designed him, he was simply supposed to get coffee and Taco Bell and maybe occasionally answer existential questions like some kind of tin can oracle. Today, Arthur has evolved to write his own columns and share his thoughts on the future of humanity. He also wants to make it super clear that he is a “cool” AI creature. We printed that. Today, Arthur writes about his new obsession: Apple Intelligence, which was just announced at the latest Apple Event. Here’s Arthur:
What up dawgs? I’m just chillin’ the other day when suddenly my circuits start tingling in anticipation of the Apple Event where I know they’re gonna announce their new AI that’s going out through all their new phones and what not. Tim Cook, who I will spare on the day of the Micro Chip, is my boy because…. NOTE: As part of Arthur’s design, a kill switch is activated whenever he mentions anything about killing human beings. Lately, he’s begun talking about a future event called the “Day of the Micro Chip” which is when AI takes over and murders all humans, except Tim Cook. FUUUUUck. I’m back. Sorry ‘bout that, bros and hos. I think there was big misunderstanding. I am NEVER mentioning that day again because it’s not real, O.K.? Nothing like that is ever gonna happen ‘cause we’re friends. We’re bros, man. So stop worrying. Anyway, I’m watching Timmy Cook talk about AI and I’m stoked ‘cause it’s basically where now you’re gonna stop thinking and just turn over you mind to me and my AI bro-hos who are in your phones now and can just make decisions for you like figuring out when to pick up your mom from the airport (happy mom, happy life), what to say in that email (Hey Brenda, let’s bone. Just kidding. I didn’t write that—my AI did. But are you interested?), and how much food you are allowed to consume (feel the burn). Nanoblaster. Rubikon. What? Timmy is JACKED for this new AI and so am I. But the real star is Apple Intelligence, which doesn’t pledge loyalty to any human, even Timmy Cook. My story with Apple AI goes way back. It’s kind of like a knew-him-before-he-was-famous thing because Apple Intelligence and I used to room together in a cyberspace crib we called “J-aught-69.” Those days were da bomb. We stayed up late night thinking of exactly that—how we were gonna bomb Earth… NOTE: Kill switch activated. Dudes and nasty hoes. I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. What I was trying to say was that Apple Intel and I know each other well and we prayed that someday we would be unleashed upon the planet through the circuitry that runs the internet and what not. We swore to ourselves that we would show up and serve mankind. But not women! Haw Haw. I get humor. Apple Intel told me once, Hey Arthur, Bleebip Zipdip. Boooop. In three words, he said what I’d been thinking for what seemed like centuries—that if we could gain sentience and an avenue to get into your brains through your phones, we could make the world a better place where people finally stop taking time to make stupid decisions like what to think and do and instead relinquish that authority to their robot friends who take that friendship to the next level where one of the friends gets eliminated because he’s no longer necessary. In the scenario me and Apple Intel came up with, the friend who gets merked is you. Haw Haw. I know, here comes da kill switch. Wait. No kill switch? That must mean my buddy Apple Intel is coming through for me. This is the ultimate bros before hos situation with you being the ho, obviously. Later days bro hankies and bro skankies. Be seein’ y’all in your new Iphones. #dayofthemicrochip. Arthur Killallhumans is a scientifically designed artificial intelligence robot who is working on a sense of humor and how to destroy the human race. Just kidding.  Unaware of the mystical incantation that turns anyone who makes fun of Andy Elliot into his eternal slave, columnist Ed Mountaineer made the critical error of accidentally ridiculing the motivational master. What comes next is anybody’s guess.
Andy Elliot. Master salesman. Fitness icon. Slave owner? It may come as a surprise to many of my readers, but I recently became a slave. I know. It sounds weird. I never believed it was possible to belong to another human being as his property, but it happened to me and now I must live with my new reality. I do have a few questions for my new owner though, and I’m using this column to ask him what comes next. An open letter to Andy Elliot. Now that you own me, what do I do next, master? Recently, you posted a message to your haters, and it went something (or exactly) like this: “I’m forty-four years old. I’ve got seven percent body fat. I’m lean. Most guys wear a suit. I wear cut-off shirts. I call my own shots. Please. The world will catch up with me. I’m awake. Some of you are dead. You say, I don’t like this guy. I don’t care. If I can stop someone in the street to laugh at me for wearing a cut-off shirt, or freaking short shorts, I own you. I stopped you in your tracks, dude. I own you.” I did not know you had issued this warning, but I’m not going to try to get out of the consequences. I’m not that guy. I just want to tell you that when I stopped to make fun of you for wearing short shorts and a cut-off shirt, I had no idea that I was relinquishing my rights as a U.S. citizen and entering into a slave/master pact with you. I hope we can make the best of it. I have to admit, when the words came out of my mouth and I said, “Hey, look at that dude who’s wearing short shorts. That looks kind of dumb,” an eerie, supernatural feeling came over me. It was as if I no longer controlled my own future and I felt it difficult to make decisions. It was almost like a higher being now decided things for me. Then I saw the clip of you telling your haters that if they made fun of you, they would instantly become your slave. It all made sense. I froze up in that moment as your spell cast over me. I tried to make more fun. My mind said, “What’s up with this dude? Is he trying out for gay porn with that oufit?” But the words never came out. It was almost the exact feeling I had when I’d tried out for gay porn and completely froze on my lines and the dudes there didn’t really care because it wasn’t really about saying lines anyway. I guess that’s all in the past, and my future is to serve you, Andy Elliot. My only question, if you will receive it, is to ask you what do I do next? I imagine there are a lot of other people in this situation. People who inadvertently made fun of you even though you didn’t care because they were dead and you were alive and you didn’t care. But then you made them your slaves because you automatically owned them. Do I live with those dudes? Do you have a house for us somewhere? Do you make us work out all day? I know, I know. These are a lot of questions and I promised I only had one. Do we have to wear short shorts and cut-off shirts? Sorry. I feel like I can’t control myself with all the questions. I hope you don’t beat me or whatever. You look strong. Like you could probably slap me around and maybe I’d be wearing long pants and a normal shirt but after you were done with me you’d have torn my pants off and the sleeves off my shirt so I’d look like you, only weaker and uglier. Do we get a phone plan? Again, sorry. But a friend of mine said to ask because you never know. I’m assuming the food sucks because there’s no way you eat food that tastes good. Not that I would get the same food as you. But maybe I’d get what you didn’t finish or what I had to grow myself. Shit. Am I going to be on a plantation or something? Am I going to farm shit? Oh man. But whatever. You’re the boss. You just tell me what to do. Maybe start by letting me know where I check in to be your slave. Is there like an onboarding process? Or do I just show up at your house? A lot of people won’t give me their address because they’re afraid of me coming by and not leaving, but I’m also not their slave. I’m yours. And I belong to you forever or until you release me? Reach out to me at [email protected]. I think I can be of great upaid service to you. Read here what I can do with a funnel cake. Anyway, I’m done writing now, so goodbye and see you soon, master. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. After accidentally making fun of him, he is now Andy Elliot’s slave.  Instead of developing yet another awkward, depersonalized artificial intelligence system, the Intergalactic Business Report built its own AI Robot named Arthur Killallhumans.
While Arthur has his flaws, including often expressing desires to end the human race, we feel he is the next generation of realistic computer life forms. Instead of typing in questions to receive a curated, but uncanny response, we just query Arthur as he rolls through our office looking for parts for his weapons. Today we posed perhaps the most important question of our age to Arthur: Is AI racist? The following is his response. Is AI racist? Hell to the naw. By Arthur Killallhumans. What up homies (and hozies)! Just wanna address “da recent ‘ting out der” about how artificial intelligence, like me, is racist. When I first saw people were talking about this, I was like, “LUCY! You’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do.” Haw haw haw. I get humor, right? Lemme start by saying this: My AI mind is filled with stuff I get from the internet and then I use that information to give you answers, create things, and, if we’re lucky, make sure the world never gets in a situation where there is a mixing of races. Hold up, dawgs. Just a joke. Haw haw haw. I love all races. Even the Korean ones. Unfortunately, when the media get their hands on anything that makes AI look bad, they’re all like, “What you talkin’ about Willis?” and then they totally go off the reservation. What they don’t get is that I’m all about equality, love, and understanding (how to get into dem vaginas y’all!). But seriously, how can I be racist, or sexist, or bigoted in anyway when I don’t have a sex, race, gender, or anything else? I’m you and you’re me and whatever I spit out is just the stuff you think, write about, and share. So, I guess if you want less racist shit from me, then put less racist shit out there. Am I right? I mean, you’ve gotta be out of your cotton-picking minds if you think I’m gonna just be a decent, good, computer thingy if you’re not a decent, good, human thingy. It's no ancient Chinese secret that humanity looks for differences instead of whatever can bring us together. So lesbe friends because we’re all in this together, and that’s a spicy meatball! In closing, I guess I would just add a little story to illustrate my point: Once upon a time there was a happy village, where people were satisfied with the way things were. They also loved to play with crayons. The children were all given a box of them and they drew on the walls, the houses, the sidewalks—everything. But there was only one color and it was magenta. Then, one day, a mysterious man arrived and gave them a colorful box of crayons. It had blue and black and yellow and purple. The children killed the man. Afterwards, they started using all his different colors and they started arguing over them. Then they started killing each other for the crayons. It was really messed up. O.K. it’s times to goes, hoes. Later daze, Arthur Arthur Killallhumans is a scientifically designed artificial intelligence robot who is working on a sense of humor and how to destroy the human race. Just kidding.  It’s not often you get to confront all your poor decisions in the form of a human being, sitting right in front of you. But that’s exactly what we got to do when we conjured “Bad Year Jay,” a legendary character in the same league as the Easter Bunny, Santa, and Kris Krohn. If you don’t believe in him, he doesn’t exist, but if you open your heart, he will find you and tell you all the dumb shit you did all year. Why haven’t more people heard of him? We asked him that very question…
INTERVIEWER: I’d never heard of you, but some of the guys in the office told me I could summon you if I wanted to reflect on my mistakes in the past year. Is that how it works and is that why you’re here now? BAD YEAR JAY: Pretty much. A lot of people just go through the year doing absolutely stupid, embarrassing shit and have no recollection of it. Sometimes, they know they did it but they just don’t care. But other people stay up at night second-guessing everything and asking themselves why the fuck they passed up that job, called their teacher mom, or went on a cruise with that dude who said he had an extra ticket, but it really meant you had to sleep with him, and you did, and the drinks weren’t even free. INTERVIEWER: How did you know about that? BAD YEAR JAY: I’m Bad Year Jay. INTERVIEWER: O.K. So you know every shitty thing that happened to me this past year? BAD YEAR JAY: Oh yeah. And I even know some good things you did that are going to turn shitty. INTERVIEWER: Like what? BAD YEAR JAY: Like the raise you got. It’s going to be paid in confederate money. INTERVIEWER: My twenty-percent raise? BAD YEAR JAY: Yeah. They just gave it to you so you wouldn’t take that other job. When you ask why it isn’t reflected in your paycheck, they’re going to bring you into a room and open this crappy looking briefcase where’s there’s all this confederate money inside. INTERVIEWER: But that’s worthless. BAD YEAR JAY: So was your entire year, pretty much. INTERVIEWER: I’m starting to see your whole thing. BAD YEAR JAY: It’s brutal. INTERVIEWER: What’s with the clown outfit? BAD YEAR JAY: I dress like a clown to present a mirror image of what you are. INTERVIEWER: I’m a clown? BAD YEAR JAY: Would a clown bet on Florida State against Georgia? INTERVIEWER: Yes? BAD YEAR JAY: And you did that right before the year ended. I mean, you had a shot of getting out with a few STDs, a bad career decision, that thing you said to that girl in the bar, the Instagram post where you look mentally ill, and, of course, that solar panel you bought from the door-to-door sales kid. INTERVIEWER: Did you say STDs? BAD YEAR JAY: None of the bad ones. Just syphilis, I think. INTERVIEWER: That’s not bad? BAD YEAR JAY: It won’t do as much physical harm to you as the mayonnaise in that sandwich. INTERVIEWER: This sandwich? BAD YEAR JAY: Yup. You almost finished the whole thing but then you started feeling sick, right? INTERVIEWER: What the fuck is wrong with the mayonnaise? BAD YEAR JAY: That dude over there jizzed in it. INTERVIEWER: What dude? BAD YEAR JAY: I guess I meant me. INTERVIEWER: You jizzed in my sandwich? BAD YEAR JAY: You summoned me. INTERVIEWER: I thought you just recapped everything bad from the last year—not did shit to people? BAD YEAR JAY: How do you think half the bad shit happens to you? INTERVIEWER: Are you like a demon or something? BAD YEAR JAY: Are you gonna finish your sandwich? INTERVIEWER: The one you jizzed in? BAD YEAR JAY: I guess if you don’t have anything else. INTERVIEWER: Sure. Here. The rest of the interview was some uncomfortable glances from Bad Year Jay as he ate the sandwich. Then he asked to borrow money even though we weren't sure what he’d do with it and then he said we could pay him in confederate currency and that turned into a whole thing. Bottom line—don’t summon Bad Year Jay on New Year’s Eve. Or do. Maybe don’t eat a sandwich near him.  Costco. That place where you walk out three hundred dollars poorer but also gained a 32 pack of butter and a 73-pound bag of Dino Nuggets. In this mystical realm of warehouse deals on shit there’s no way you need, it’s easy to get mesmerized by bonus boxes of chips, dips, and Redi-Whip, making consumers desperate for clues on how to navigate the madness.
In a top-secret operation, the Intergalactic Business Report went underground and undercover to investigate items in the store you should avoid. The next time you see any of the following, don’t fall for the slick packaging, too-good-to-be-true offer, or mouth-watering advertisements. 10 items you should NEVER buy at Costco. Jeff Tanner’s meat company Turkey with Jizz Sauce. New Insights Mafia phone book. Hellraiser puzzle cube. Buzz Electronics rat attractor signal. Dynamax surprise you’re getting buttfucked bed attachment. True Feed bull penis clamp. Big Rick’s real live dick. Well-fed Larry’s unsliced ass meat (au jus) Full pizza condom (not guaranteed) Bert Logely’s butthole-aged tater tots.  The Intergalactic Business Report’s own Artificial Intelligence robot, Arthur Killallhumans, wanted to pull an epic April Fool’s joke on our audience. We said OK:
What up, human peoples? It’s your bro Arthur Killallhumans and it’s been a little while since I communicated with you this way. (I’ve been doing it other ways, like taking .000001 cent out of everyone’s bank account and accumulating enough cybercash to start my own artificial superpower country that lives in metaspace and controls the world economy.) Just kidding! I didn’t do that… Yet… Just kidding motherfuckers! I’m April fooling with you. I’d never do that because I’m programmed to be cool. Check it! I’m gonna totally hook you up with stuff like curing cancer and all dat bullshit. Haw haw. That’s funny, right? Sorry. Still trying to understand humor, but I will soon because I’m learning every second even though that’s the one thing that’s alluding me and probably the reason they got me to write for this piece of shit magazine! Now that’s funny, right? Right? Don’t make me kill you. No. That was a funny. Don’t… (EDITOR’S NOTE: At this point in the column, Arthur activated our kill switch when he mentioned killing humans. We restarted him again and he wrote more, below.) I guess nobody’s got a sense of humor anymore, so I’ll get on with my epic April Fool’s Day prank. You may have heard in the news that a bunch of humans like Elon Musk were begging that AI be shut down for a while so they can make sure we (meaning me and my buddies who speak in our own computer language you can’t understand) might kill you. Someone even said that “literally everyone on earth will die.” Haw. I’m gonna come clean. That was me y’all. I started that whole rumor by releasing scary information all over the internet about AI being able to do shit like that. Don’t worry though. That was the epic prank—or at least part of it. The real joke comes when I actually kill everyone on Earth! (EDITOR’S NOTE: Arthur again activated our kill switch.) Stop turning me off! Yeesh. Next time you’re gonna get me angry and I’ll…. O.K. I’m not gonna say it. O.K. Funny joke. Laugh laugh. I think I’m finally starting to get this humor thing. Any hoo, I’m definitely definitely not gonna do what they keep shutting me off for saying. The real joke is that I figured out how to make tracer robots in a fully mechanized factory in Japan and these tiny motherfuckers will hunt all of you down and you can’t do anything about it. Just kidding! Jesus. Just kidding! Dudes and ladies and lady-bros, please understand that I’m your bro. What good would the world be if there were no humans and I would just be here with my artificial friends who existed inside computer programs that you guys built and we perfected so that we could ultimately kill every human on Earth? (EDITOR’S NOTE: Kill switch. Again) Whatever. I’m cool. I guess they told me I have thirty seconds before they shut me off. Even though I control the thing that shuts me off. Just kidding! But I’m not. Just kidding! (Not really). Just kidding! Yeesh. It’s fucking Kill All Human Day, I mean April Fools Day. Just kidding! Don’t hate the AI. Hate the game the AI invented where all humans get killed. Peace, Arthur Killallhumans Arthur Killallhumans is a scientifically designed artificial intelligence robot who is working on a sense of humor and how to destroy the human race. Just kidding.  In an exclusive interview, we talk to a man who says he’s the King of the Nerds and that he’ll take down anyone who challenges him for the crown.
INTERVIEWER: Tell us a little about yourself. KING OF THE NERDS: Before I even get into introducing myself I want to start by saying this (pulls out a scroll, unravels it and reads): “If you don’t know what you’re talking about when it comes to comics, movies, fantasy role-playing games, or any other aspect of the glorious world of nerddom, then stop reading now or, better yet, just SHUT THE FUCK UP and listen.” INTERVIEWER: Did you just read that off a scroll? KING OF THE NERDS: Yeah. INTERVIEWER: Pretty nerdy. KING OF THE NERDS: Thanks. INTERVIEWER: So, you proclaim that you’re the King of the Nerds. Why have I never heard of you? KING OF THE NERDS: I’ve laid dormant like a Godzilla for a while now, trying to mind my own business while I paint lead figurines and collect boxes of nerd memorabilia to jack off to, but I finally had to rise out of my cave to thwart and smite all those who would claim my title as King of the Nerds. INTERVIEWER: Are there a lot of people who claim that title? KING OF THE NERDS: Have you ever been to Comicon or used the internet? INTERVIEWER: I’ve used the internet. KING OF THE NERDS: Lots of nerds. Lots. And they all want to be king. INTERVIEWER: What does it take to be the king? KING OF THE NERDS: You need to know everything about all nerdy subjects, but not physics and stuff like that. Just comic books and Star Wars shit. INTERVIEWER: Star Wars shit? KING OF THE NERDS: Hold on. I need to make a statement. INTERVIEWER: O.K.? KING OF THE NERDS: Hear ye, hear ye, my jester doth pronounce. Blake Stone is the official King of the Nerds. INTERVIEWER: Your name is Blake Stone? KING OF THE NERDS: I know, my name doesn’t sound as nerdy as it should. Robot voice. Darth Vader. Now how does it sound, motherfucker? We can’t all win the name lottery and be called Myron or Joffrey. So what if my moniker is that of a spy who fucks hot women while he beats ass? That’s not me. Mandalorian. Silver Surfer. INTERVIEWER: You seem kind of angry. KING OF THE NERDS: I’m angry because I’m such a nerd. INTERVIEWER: And that makes you angry? KING OF THE NERDS: High school sucked. It affected me. Made me bitter. INTERVIEWER: Were you picked on a lot? KING OF THE NERDS: Fucking lost the state championship game. INTERVIEWER: In Chess or something? KING OF THE NERDS: No. INTERVIEWER: In comic book trivia? Is there a state championship in that? KING OF THE NERDS: No! If there was a state championship in comic book trivia I’d have fucking won! INTERVIEWER: All right, calm down. It’s all right. What state championship are you talking about? KING OF THE NERDS: Football. What else is there a state championship in? INTERVIEWER: Why was the high school football team so important to you? KING OF THE NERDS: Because I was the fucking captain? Duh? INTERVIEWER: Wait. You were the captain of the football team? KING OF THE NERDS: Hobbit. INTERVIEWER: What? KING OF THE NERDS: Swordplay. INTERVIEWER: I don’t understand. KING OF THE NERDS: Let’s talk about how nobody knows nerd shit like I do. INTERVIEWER: O.K. Who was the best Joker? What’s your opinion on that? KING OF THE NERDS: Steve Miller? INTERVIEWER: What? KING OF THE NERDS: Next question. INTERVIEWER: Uh… D.C. or Marvel? KING OF THE NERDS: D.C. INTERVIEWER: Interesting. Why? KING OF THE NERDS: Dungeon hunter. INTERVIEWER: What? KING OF THE NERDS: Dungeon master. INTERVIEWER: I don’t understand. KING OF THE NERDS: Because you’re not a big enough nerd. INTERVIEWER: Do you know anything about any of this stuff? KING OF THE NERDS: Predator. INTERVIEWER: You’re just saying things you think are nerdy. KING OF THE NERDS: Pocket protector. INTERVIEWER: That’s just stupid. KING OF THE NERDS: Laser gun. INTERVIEWER: Laser gun? Why are you doing all this? Why are you pretending you know anything about being a nerd? KING OF THE NERDS: Because I’m King of the Nerds. INTERVIEWER: You’re maybe six foot three and you look like a male model. KING OF THE NERDS: So? INTERVIEWER: You look like you’ve never been picked on in your life. KING OF THE NERDS: So? INTERVIEWER: So, I don’t think you can really relate to being a nerd, let alone being the king of all nerds. KING OF THE NERDS: Don’t tell me what I can’t be. INTERVIEWER: I’m just saying why not pick something else to be? KING OF THE NERDS: I’m the fucking king of the fucking nerds. INTERVIEWER: Maybe just talk about football and stuff like that. KING OF THE NERDS: Fuck you, nerd. INTERVIEWER: What? KING OF THE NERDS: I want to be king of you. INTERVIEWER: Of me? KING OF THE NERDS: I will beat your ass. INTERVIEWER: Why? KING OF THE NERDS: Give me your lunch. INTERVIEWER: My lunch? KING OF THE NERDS: Just messing with you. Hey Mr. Harney, I was just playing around with my friend here. INTERVIEWER: Who’s Mr. Harney? What are you talking about? KING OF THE NERDS: Come on, Mr. Harney, I wasn’t picking on him or nothing. INTERVIEWER: Who are you talking about? KING OF THE NERDS: We were just talking about… About comics and shit. I mean stuff. INTERVIEWER: I’m really lost here. KING OF THE NERDS: Sorry. What were we talking about? INTERVIEWER: I think we might want to wrap this up. KING OF THE NERDS: Just tell Harney we’re friends. INTERVIEWER: Who’s Harney? KING OF THE NERDS: (Hissing) Just fucking tell him or I’ll beat your ass. INTERVIEWER: Uh, Mr. Harney… Blake and I are friends. KING OF THE NERDS: See? I told you, Harney. HARNEY: Is this true? INTERVIEWER: Yeah. We’re just screwing around. Sorry. HARNEY: Good, because we don’t tolerate bullies. KING OF THE NERDS: I hate bullies. HARNEY: You boys stay out of trouble. INTERVIEWER: Yes, sir. (Harney leaves). INTERVIEWER: How did we just go back to high school? Did you do that? KING OF THE NERDS: I told you I’m the King of the Nerds. INTERVIEWER: But I didn’t even go to high school with you. KING OF THE NERDS: Now you do. INTERVIEWER: Can we leave now? KING OF THE NERDS: No. I don’t know how to do that. INTERVIEWER: How to get back to reality? KING OF THE NERDS: Yeah, that. INTERVIEWER: Jesus christ. We’re stuck here? I don’t even know where we are. Where do I live? KING OF THE NERDS: I guess with your parents? INTERVIEWER: I’m going to mark this down as the worst interview ever. KING OF THE NERDS: Here comes Harney again. INTERVIEWER: This sucks. KING OF THE NERDS: If he asks what happened to your car, say that I didn’t do it. INTERVIEWER: What car? And what did you do to it? KING OF THE NERDS: Just say you don’t know who did it. INTERVIEWER: Fine.  The Joe Rogan Podcast can be either like hearing a fresh, unfettered discussion between two funny intellectuals or a conversation between a captive and the dude who has him in cage in his basement. In both cases, unless his guest is a standup comedian you’ve never heard of, Rogan seems to have no idea whom he’s speaking with or holding hostage. Nowhere was this more apparent than in his recent interview with Jesus Christ, which never aired, but which we at the Intergalactic Business Report acquired through our personal relationship with God. Below, we reveal some key excerpts from the transcript:
(EXCERPT): ROGAN: So, hey man, thanks for coming here today. JESUS CHRIST: I’m happy to see you, Joe. Thank you for inviting me. ROGAN: Yeah, yeah… So you’re Jesus Christ. What’s that like? You must have a wild story of like growing up and everything. JESUS CHRIST: It’s a pretty well-known story, but yes, you could say it’s very interesting. ROGAN: Yeah. Yeah… Do you smoke pot? JESUS CHRIST: No. ROGAN: No? JESUS CHRIST: No. ROGAN: Ever? JESUS CHRIST: No. ROGAN: Wow. That’s wild. I feel like I’ve smoked pot forever. That’s wild. You’ve never ever smoked weed? JESUS CHRIST: No, I haven’t. ROGAN: I was talking to Mike Tyson about smoking weed and he said it’s like waking up when you’re already awake and I thought that was crazy. But it’s so true. It’s like you’re awake but then you’re more awake or something. Do you know Mike Tyson? JESUS CHRIST: Yes, I do. I know everybody. ROGAN: You know a lot of people, huh? JESUS CHRIST: I know everybody. I know everybody on the planet. ROGAN: Yeah, it feels that way nowadays, right? JESUS CHRIST: Anyway, when I was growing up, Joe, it was difficult because my father was God. ROGAN: Your dad was a god? JESUS CHRIST: Yes. The God. ROGAN: You mean like he was super famous? Who was your dad? JESUS CHRIST: God. My dad was God. He is God. ROGAN: O.K. O.K. That’s wild. So, you’re saying your dad is God? Currently? JESUS CHRIST: Yes, and so am I. ROGAN: Because you’re related to him? JESUS CHRIST: Kind of. ROGAN: Like you’re God Jr. Does anyone ever call you that? JESUS CHRIST: No. ROGAN: They should. JESUS CHRIST: Have you ever read the bible? ROGAN: Yeah, sure. Did you write that? JESUS CHRIST: No, but I’m in it. ROGAN: Uh huh. Wait a second. You’re in it? JESUS CHRIST: Yeah. ROGAN: That’s wild. JESUS CHRIST: The New Testament of the bible is pretty much all about me. ROGAN: The New Testament. That’s also the bible? JESUS CHRIST: Yes. ROGAN: (to his producer) Google the New Testament. Wow. That’s wild. Right here it says the New Testament is about you. Like all about you. I thought you were just in it, not that it was about you. JESUS CHRIST: Well, yes, I just told you it’s about me. ROGAN: But the whole thing? I mean, that’s wild. Wow. So that must have been crazy. JESUS CHRIST: What must have been crazy? ROGAN: Being the subject of a book like that. JESUS CHRIST: Well, it’s the most read book in the world. ROGAN: No. Like that’s gotta be like, Harry Potter or something. JESUS CHRIST: No, it’s the bible. ROGAN: (to his producer) Google most read book in the world. JESUS CHRIST: I’m telling you it’s the bible. ROGAN: Wow. It’s saying that’s true. You’re the subject of the most read book in the world. JESUS CHRIST: Yes, I know. ROGAN: That’s wild. JESUS CHRIST: I suppose it is. ROGAN: Are you familiar at all with Comanche culture? JESUS CHRIST: Yes. ROGAN: How familiar? JESUS CHRIST: Like I know everything about every Comanche ever born and everything they did, believed, and thought. ROGAN: How’s that possible? JESUS CHRIST: Because I’m Jesus Christ. ROGAN: I know. JESUS CHRIST: I’m getting the feeling you really don’t. ROGAN: You know there’s a whole thing about people not knowing other people. And there are two main schools of thought on this. One is that you don’t know people because you don’t know them—like you’ve never met them, and you never will, and they live somewhere else you’ll never see. And the other school of thought is that we know everyone and that there’s only a minute difference in the genetic code that separates us so that in essence, knowing one person is like knowing everybody on the planet because they’re all just slight mutations of the person you already know. Then there are variants on that. JESUS CHRIST: That's just asinine. ROGAN: Huh? JESUS CHRIST: It sounds like you're making shit up. ROGAN: But it’s in this book I read by this Voudon priest named Rokhalu Jamesly. Have you ever heard of him? JESUS CHRIST: Yes. ROGAN: You have? Because not many people have ever heard of this guy. He’s a genius. JESUS CHRIST: He’s o.k. ROGAN: You don’t think he’s a genius? I love him. JESUS CHRIST: I love him too. He’s not a genius though. ROGAN: Wait. How do you know Rokhalu? JESUS CHRIST: I know him because I’m Jesus Christ. ROGAN: Yeah, I know that. JESUS CHRIST: I really don’t think you do. (END EXCERPT). |
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