 The Intergalactic Business Report announces a special alert that there is a real life Michael Myers on the loose again. We guess. Because there must be some people named Michael Myers in real life, right? And they would be “on the loose” we assume. So, technically, our headline is accurate. The part where we say “again” kind of implies that he wasn’t on the loose for a time and in a way, that’s a little deceptive, so we apologize. On the other hand, it’s possible that there’s someone somewhere named Michael Myers who was locked up and is now out there, which means that he could be dangerous. So, when you really start thinking about it, there’s actually a real life Michael Myers on the loose (again) and he might kill you. Probably not, we hope, but there’s always that possibility. So we’re warning you. If someone named Michael Myers does do something, we wrote about it first, right here, by the way.  Of all the coolest-sounding things you could ever buy, a “mask of jesus” has to be the best. After all, it claims to offer the wearer the power to heal anyone of anything as well as bring total peace and understanding to his or her body and mind. We bought one off the internet. Here’s what we found: 1. The mask itself doesn’t really resemble Jesus. We’d say it looks more like a scary clown. But we also guess that Jesus can take any form he wants, so for this one, he chose “scary clown.” 2. There is a feeling of enlightenment and calm upon wearing the mask. Especially if you’re a person who is generally calm and feels enlightened. In that case, the mask totally makes the owner pick up those vibes. 3. As we walked down the street wearing the mask, we felt like no one suspected we were Jesus. Instead, people stepped out of the way and tried to avoid us, sometimes in terror. Which, come to think of it, might be how people would react if they saw Jesus on the street. Especially if he were wearing a clown mask. 4. The healing powers of the mask are strong? We don’t know because we had trouble finding any sick people since we were stopped by security at the hospital and asked to leave in very strong terms. We assume this was because doctors could sense the supernatural healing elements of the mask and did not want to lose business. We did consider opening our own “Jesus Mask Hospital” where people would just walk in and be instantly healed, but we couldn’t agree on the name because some of us kept asking, “why not just name it Jesus Hospital” and others would say, “because it’s the Jesus Mask, not Jesus, that does that healing.” That went back and forth for hours, so we quit the idea. 5. The Jesus mask gets super hot if you wear it for a long time. Remember trick-or-treating while wearing a rubbery scary clown mask? Remember how fucking hot it got inside and how you kept thinking to yourself, “what’s the point of wearing this thing?" Yeah. That’s how it is with the mask of Jesus too. 6. It is almost impossible to eat while wearing the mask. This continues to be an issue for our testers whenever they wear something over their faces. We did find small breathing holes in the mask, and these allowed us to fit a straw through to the mouth hole of our mask wearer. Kind of a shitty way to be fed, but it’s better than starving. 7. Conclusion. If you’re into healing and feeling pretty good about yourself and aren’t super hungry and have a high tolerance for facial heat, the mask of Jesus is a pretty good bet. We paid over three thousand dollars for ours, so we assume there are better deals out there. Shop around a little. On the other hand, maybe we got a super cheap one, so be prepared to pay more, we guess. *”Jesus” was in lower-case letters on the package, so we made it upper case for the headline, out of respect. Then someone said maybe it was just some guy’s name (Jesus) and not Jesus Christ. But then we decided that even if it was, it would still be capitalized, right?  "Stained" white couches are left to rot. Think you know Hollywood? Think again. The Intergalactic Business Report has used its influence to garner exclusive knowledge from a power player who tells you what really goes on in tinsel town. And apparently some of it has to do with your butt cheeks. Welcome “Agent X” to enlighten you with tales of the entertainment industry so inside they may need to be surgically removed. Here's what he has to say: What if I told you I could walk into any restaurant in the greater Los Angeles area and tell you who the power players were simply by the way they were sitting? Not even look at their faces, and I'd know. Instantly. It's true. And here's the big secret about the Hollywood power elite: they all sit side-butt. I see some clown sitting on his ass with his legs spread wide, trying to take up space and look relaxed, and I immediately think to myself: Pfft. What a chump. Never even seen the inside of a White Room, much less took a seat. But the reserved gent carefully settling in on his chair, balancing gingerly on a single flank, one leg swung across the other in an almost feminine fashion? Here, I think, here is a man of power. Where did it start, this custom? It's hard to say. Some say it goes back to the days of noted germophobe Howard Hughes and his early days in the film industry; others say its roots stem from a Russian underworld tradition of making deals nude in the sauna, to symbolically show the other party you have nothing to hide. I don't know. But what I do know is that all the big Hollywood deals—I'm talking the real deals, the money deals, the shotcaller deals—take place in a small, white room where two small white couches face each other. The parties disrobe in the antechamber and then enter the white room completely nude, and it is here that the deals are done. You've probably heard too many times now that Hollywood is a male-dominated world? Yeah, this is like that. I'm sure there are women who have heard of this and want in. I can remember seeing Barbara Streisand's living room spread in Harper's and chuckling at how white it all was, thinking to myself, "Nice try." No, women are strictly forbidden, and the reason will become obvious to you soon enough. So two or more powerful men side down, in the nude, on pristine white couches to do a multi-million dollar deal. What do you think the first consideration is? You got it: asscracks. Keep your asscrack off the couch! Ever heard anyone called a shitstain? People in this business get called shitstains all the time. Of course shitstains are bad, but some of the time we are talking about literal shitstains. I've seen and heard of big deals falling through simply because someone was less than careful about shifting on the couch and left a shitstain. A well-known Oscar-winning director had a sure thing passion project derailed because he enthusiastically sat forward in the midst of his pitch to a high powered producer and dragged his taint across the slipcover. And that's all it took. That's why the real power players—the true kings of this business—have, over the years, become habituated to sitting sidebutt, to never let the crack of their ass within six inches of a cushion. They are fluid and elegant in their self-seating. The true greats will even recklessly flirt with a brush across the fabric, as if to say "I am confident. I am bold. I am in total control." They can't help but sit that way now, unconsciously; it has become as natural as breathing to them. So the next time you're out at a public establishment in the LA area, keep an eye out and you will see them. These powerful, graying sidebutt sitters. If you're an aspiring starlet or screenwriter, these are the people you want to connect with. Beware of the manspreading pretenders with expensive watches and shiny hair. They've never sniffed the inside of a white room, these shitstains, and probably never will. Balls are fine, incidentally. It’s perfectly okay if your balls touch the couch.  Sometimes you see things listed for sale on the internet and you think, “this couldn’t possibly be real.” And then you buy a cloak of invisibility, just to see. We found, bought, and paid for one. And here are the results. 1. At first you wonder about the quality, but soon after you don’t give a shit. When we opened the box and pulled out the cloak, it looked like it was made of really shoddy material. And it had a terrible puke color. As well as a puke odor. We kind of just wanted to put it back in the box and maybe burn the box. But then we started not caring so much and tried it on anyway. Is it possible that the cloak had powers that were drawing us to it, even though it was clearly thrown up upon and nasty? 2. It seems to work, at least at first. We put the cloak on and some of our testers mentioned that they could see the wearer’s face. So he put the thing over his face. Then he looked like a huge yellow blanket with something underneath it. He moved around. It was like a huge yellow blanket, moving around. But the person underneath was totally not visible. Which means he was invisible, right? 3. We put the wearer in someone’s apartment and didn’t tell the owner. When he arrived home, our tester was covered in the invisibility cloak and lying in a corner. He went undetected for three days. So, it worked. 4. It’s hard to eat while wearing an invisibility cloak. Obviously, in order to be invisible, you need to have the cloak covering your face. Your options for eating become limited. We found that if you carry food into the cloak with you, you can eat it “inside” the cloak. Another idea was to cut a mouth hole in the cloak and feed food into it. That seemed to work best although sometimes the wearer’s mouth was visible. 5. On the street, you need to move fast or you may be detected. We found that once we took the cloak of invisibility outside, it was less effective. People would sometimes point or shout at us and even seem angry if our cloak wearer accidentally ran into them. We also found it difficult to be served food, because, even with the mouth hole cut into the fabric, very few street vendors were willing to put their hands near the hole to feed us. 6. Conclusion. It works. Go ahead and buy one and you can basically be invisible.  Space aliens are waiting to see what we've learned. Every day it seems there’s a new U.F.O. sighting and as much as we try to explain them away as just weather balloons or secret military planes, we all know something else is going on. That’s why the Intergalactic Business Report has delved deep into history and science to reveal what no other information source dares to do: tell you the truth about why aliens are surfacing more and more on our planet. Without getting into the scientific and historic details of our study, we can conclusively say that we’ve discovered irrefutable evidence that space aliens visited us long ago and are returning now to see if we have changed enough for them to finally make contact with us again. The stunning facts for their return are listed below: 1. Early humans were nerds. Thousands and thousands of years ago, aliens landed on Earth and met with the earliest human civilizations. Their reaction to seeing our ancestors? Not good. Our space brethren saw them as being what can only be translated as “weenies” and “nerds.” That’s right. Space aliens felt they couldn’t “connect” with us, because we were too uptight and boring. 2. Aliens wanted us to party more. According to an early alien proclamation uncovered by the Intergalactic Business Report, the space visitors felt that gatherings with humans were “lame” and most of this was because there was no alcohol. 3. Early humans were given alcohol in hopes they would someday not be so lame. Undeniable proof shows that aliens gave humans a choice: start having better parties or risk annihilation. We were given something like ten thousand years* to accomplish this and given the basic technology to make booze. Aliens vowed to return to check on our progress in the future. 4. Aliens may not destroy us if they find we’re partying hard enough. The space craft we’re seeing are aliens trying to figure out if we’re finally having better parties. We’ve found that the U.F.O.s are focusing primarily on college campuses, outdoor drinking festivals, and some guy named Gus Ratuliak. If they like what they see, we might have contact with them again and they may spare our planet. 5. Aliens also may destroy us if they ever fly over Utah. Most scientists who have read our study** agree that this is the greatest concern our planet faces. It seems that Utah is very similar to early human civilizations in that parties there are more about eating food and having very very sober conversations about sports and church stuff. Come on, Utah… 6. The aliens will probably ask us to send them a “champion” to compete against Horgack Starhole, their best partier, in a drinking contest that will determine our fate. This may be why they’re so focused on Gus Ratuliak. Could he be our savior? 7. We all need to set aside stupid things, like jobs, and start drinking more. Come on, people of Earth, this is for the fate of our world. *We had trouble reading numbers in the ancient alien language, but we’re pretty sure this is accurate within ten million years. **We use the word “scientists” broadly to include any person we showed this to. We excluded people who disagreed with our conclusions for better accuracy. Probably the last report you’ll receive about the Mongolian Death Worm before your impending death.10/10/2018  A new secret study conducted by the Intergalactic Business Report reveals that, unbelievably, your fears about the Mongolian Death Worm are not only real and frightening, but probably the last fears you will ever have before being annihilated by a death worm that has been tracking and targeting you for years. It is with great sorrow* that the Intergalactic Business Report releases this final and futile warning to you during your last days on Earth. We sincerely hope** that these five insights about the Mongolian Death Worm will allow you to escape your demise. 1. Your best friend is probably controlled by a Mongolian death worm. Have you noticed how your closest buddy doesn’t really seem to give a shit about you? How sometimes you’ll be venting or really opening up to him/her and all you see is a glassy, blank stare, and then you’re like, “hey, are you even listening?” and they’re like, “oh, yeah. Totally.” That’s because a Mongolian death worm has crawled inside their body and is staring through it at you, its unknowing prey. 2. If someone ever shortens the name of Champagne or pizza, and calls them “champ” or “za,” that’s a signal that there’s a Mongolian death worm nearby, but they don’t want to start screaming, so they say something so fucking stupid they hope you’ll catch on and say to yourself, “wait a second, could this person really be such a huge prick that he’s calling champagne ‘champ?’ Because nobody could be that huge of a prick.” 3. Your mom may be your only hope. As revealed in an earlier article, your mother won’t give up on the idea that she and the Mongolian Death Worm can have a relationship that could work. The death worm has tried to explain to her a million times that it doesn’t even really like human women (except in the sense that it likes killing them) but she won’t accept that and keeps saying that they should at least give it a chance. If you stay near your mother there is practically a zero percent chance of seeing a death worm, even though she’s constantly trying to find it. 4. A Mongolian death worm just told us to type this. All this stuff about death worms is overblown and made up. Stop worrying so much and go places alone, like the desert or parking garages. 5. If you’re still reading this, you probably are about to be decapitated by a Mongolian death worm. Reading is really the dumbest thing you can do right now. You should be running and not looking down at something. These are probably the last words you’ll ever read. If not, then go to your mom’s house immediately. *Maybe “great” is a little strong. More like “with sorrow.” But, then again, if we’re being honest, we have our own problems, so it’s not really with any sorrow at all. More like, we’re just telling you this and if you want to read, then fine. **It’s kind of insincere of us to say we “sincerely” hope for anything, because we really don’t. But it sounded better so we printed it.  Just as your greatest fears about the Mongolian death worm have risen from “panic” to “total freakout,” even worse news has arrived. The Intergalactic Business Report’s exclusive coverage of the movements and tactics of the death worm have led us to the chilling observation that the mainstream media is controlled by, well, Mongolian death worms. Don’t believe us? Then read these five undeniable points of truth: 1. A Mongolian death worm probably wrote this. For years, scientists assumed that a creature with no arms or hands or education could produce content for a Web site. However, several editors have noticed death worms slithering out of news rooms at odd hours. “Why didn’t they just kill us?” one of them asked. “Why did they just scoot away?” Answer: because they just wrote an article from a trusted writer’s desk and posted it online. The killing can wait till later. 2. Mongolian death worms are responsible for awards shows on television where you haven’t seen any of the movies, shows, or know any of the songs, but you feel compelled to watch anyway and say to yourself, next year I’m going to watch/listen to all these before this comes on so I understand what they’re all clapping for. That’s when the Mongolian death worm will appear behind you and suck the top of your head off. 3. Click bait is literally bait. Have you ever clicked on a story that said it was going to show you how some celebrity from the 1980’s looked today and that you won’t believe it? Then you spend an hour clicking through and never seeing the celebrity at all? And you’re like, “Where the fuck is the picture of Tina Yothers?” As the word “Yoth…” comes from your lips, a Mongolian death worm will have slithered into your den/living room/sad kitchen eating area and detach your feet from your legs. When you look down, still vaguely picturing scenes from “Family Ties,” the death worm will spray you with a sedative that will put you to sleep as it consumes the rest of your corpse. As you pass into the next world, you will not see a light or god. Instead you will only see Tina Yothers. 4. As the twenty-four hour news cycle becomes a twenty-six hour news cycle… Wait, what? Look behind you. 5. There’s no fucking way Law and Order or any of those crappy CSI shows could have been on t.v. for close to three hundred years unless…. Only a creature with a tiny brain, no eyes, and no way of changing the channel could ever possibly be into watching Ice Tea, David Caruso, or Chris O’Donnell for that long. Those shows aren’t for you… They’re for death worms! |
AboutReports so secret we hide them on this page. Archives
November 2024
Categories |
RSS Feed