Cedric Bigglestone finds ancient constitutional rights the founding fathers removed but shouldn’t have.
In his most stunning exposé ever, Intergalactic Business Report writer Cedric Bigglestone uncovers a “National Treasure” style conspiracy about the founding fathers of the United States of America.
Dear readers, please understand that what you’re about to read will probably change your perspective on the United State of America and the meaning of your very existence. I ask that you consider this information with an open mind, and may God have mercy on your soul, because this article will not.
Part One: My journey begins unexpectedly.
I am taking an afternoon bath when I notice something odd on the ceiling. It is a crack. I follow it with my eyes and see that it ends clear across the room. I have never noticed this crack before. Why? Is it because I am in my neighbor’s apartment while he is away and I have never used his bathtub because his door is usually locked? As the foul energy and dirt from a week’s worth of not bathing and doing improvised exercises to hone my street survival skills seeps into the bath water, I think to myself, "What if there is a crack in the constitution of the United States of America? Would it run as deep as the one in my neighbor’s bathroom? Would it, too, be something I never noticed till I broke into a museum or something and really looked at it?”
Part Two: I decide to steal the Constitution.
Since I don’t live in Washington D.C., it will be difficult for me to break into wherever it’s held and just take it. So I decide to look it up on the internet.
Part Three: I read the Constitution.
Jesus. What am I doing? This is boring as fuck. Lots of sections lots of sections. I begin to lose faith in my original plan to find cracks in this document, mostly because I don’t want to keep reading. Then it hits me. I see the crack.
Part Four: I notice something off with the Bill of Rights.
I skip over much of the Constitution till I get to something called the Bill of Rights. This is the part I was most familiar with anyway. I often tell law enforcement that “I know my rights” and I believe it has to do with this. The more I read it, the more I fucking love it. These are my fucking rights. My fucking rights. That means no man or robot or animal or improvised animated hologram can take these away from me ever or I can shoot them.* But as I get through these amendments to the Constitution, it strikes me that something is missing.
Part Five: I discover that there are missing parts of the Bill of Rights.
Something doesn’t make sense. Amendment IX, for instance, says, “The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.” That makes no fucking sense. Why is that in there? Also, another amendment says something about how the powers delegated are not reserved for states or prohibited or something. Again, what the fuck? These meaningless rights are juxtaposed** with the cool rights, like where you can carry weapons and say whatever the fuck you want. Why would the founding fathers waste two rights on nonsense? There’s only one answer.
Part Six: Through meditation, I discover the missing rights we all should enjoy.
I am not perfect, but I am able to set myself into a deep trance and feel exactly what someone famous was thinking up to 700 years ago. I set my sights on the founding fathers and think about what was going on with the Bill of Rights. I am shocked by what I discover. James Madison, Ben Franklin, Benji the Dog. I am inside their minds and I am going fucking nuts translating their brains onto my own brain. Bee boop beep! I’m doing it. I find out that James Madison had two super cool amendments that he wrote, but then he took them out at the last second because he, and I hate to say this, was a pussy. It’s the only way I can translate it. This was the “crack” in the Constitution. I had found it.
Part Seven: Your new rights.
If we go with the original intentions of the founding fathers, we should throw out those two bullshit amendments and add the following:
New IX: “Citizens shall have the right to do whatever they want wherever they want to whomever they want whenever they want including at Costco.”
New X: “You cannot get arrested for deciding to not be a pussy as interpreted by each citizen making that decision.”***
*In order to defeat a hologram in combat, a special gun that can shoot and destroy light images must be used instead of a regular gun.
**This means it’s like a three-way only with words.
***These two amendments would technically exonerate me of all charges filed against me between 2006-11.
Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.