Could 100% Hawaiian Punch be better than a COVID-19 vaccine? We tell you the winner.

In conjunction with science, the Intergalactic Business Report announces a new vaccine for COVID-19 that is not a vaccine at all but instead just a large glass of Hawaiian Punch. 
 
How does this medical breakthrough work? First, it’s different than a vaccine. Second, it’s a glass of Hawaiian Punch. So is it actually better than a vaccine for COVID-19?
 
We compare the two below:
 
 
COVID-19 VACCINE: Will cure Coronavirus.
HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Will cure your thirst.
WINNER: COVID-19 vaccine. 
 
COVID-19 VACCINE: Still in development. But a safe vaccine could be available later this year.
HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Already developed in 1934. So you know it’s safe.
WINNER: Hawaiian Punch.
 
COVID-19 VACCINE: Multiple pharmaceutical companies are in late stage testing to make sure the vaccine is safe.
HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Late stage testing for Hawaiian Punch was probably in 1933.
WINNER: Hawaiian Punch.
 
COVID-19 VACCINE: Even when it is approved, it will take months and even years to get it worldwide.
HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Hawaiian Punch is already approved and it takes four seconds to open it and start pouring it inside your mouth.
WINNER: Hawaiian Punch.
 
COVID-19 VACCINE: Faces some skepticism over its efficacy. 
HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Everyone knows Hawaiian Punch works. No questions at all on that.
WINNER: Hawaiian Punch.
 
COVID-19 VACCINE: Delivered through an injection.
HAWAIIAN PUNCH: You put the glass up to your mouth and tip it till the Hawaiian Punch juice starts going inside you.
WINNER: Tie. 
 
COVID-19 VACCINE: May bring the world back to normal.
HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Without it, the world could never be normal. So, it’s almost like the original “bring the world back to normal” thing you put in your body.
WINNER: Hawaiian Punch.
 
COVID-19 VACCINE: Being developed faster than any vaccine in the past.
HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Being drunk faster than any red sugar drink ever. 
WINNER: Hawaiian Punch.
 
COVID-19 VACCINE: Will show scientists how to make future vaccines faster.
HAWAIIAN PUNCH: Doesn’t give a shit about that. It’s Hawaiian Punch.
WINNER: Hawaiian Punch.
 
OVERALL WINNER: Hawaiian Punch.

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