 According to psychics, mediums, and that girl from that party where you spent way too much time talking to her before you figured out she was on Angel Dust or something, the spirit world is very much alive and its inhabitants may even be trying to contact you.
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report outlines five common ways spirits communicate with you daily to warn, guide, or tell you they’re watching you take a dump. 1. Your remote seems stuck on the Spice Channel whenever you’re in a hotel. The spirit is trying to tell you, “Don’t change the channel. I’m not done yet.” 2. When you hit the late-night Taco Bell drive through, you feel a voice in your head saying, “Order two more cravings packs.” 3. When you use a public restroom there’s a presence around you. And it kind of smells like shit. 4. You can’t get the song, “Hello from the other side,“ out of your mind. 5. When you have sex and you’re on top, you feel someone rubbing your shoulders, and then you hear a voice that says, “I’m Brandon. Your girlfriend’s roommate. You’ve never met me, but let's do this.”  In an interview that will shake the medical world, the Intergalactic Business Report speaks with Dr. Garrett Soleziak, an epidemiologist and doctor of infectious diseases at a well-known American university. Dr. Soleziak believes that Coronavirus is over and that what we are seeing today are “residual effects of a psychosomatic trauma.” Although the discussion took place over three and a half hours, we have excerpted the highlights below:
INTERVIEWER: Dr. Soleziak, thank you for your time. I know you’re very busy right now. DR. SOLEZIAK: Not really. INTERVIEWER: You’re not really busy? DR. SOLEZIAK: Yeah, that’s right. INTERVIEWER: I’d think during a pandemic a doctor with your background would have a lot on his hands. You’re saying that’s not the case? DR. SOLEZIAK: No. I mean, yes, that’s not the case. INTERVIEWER: So, let’s talk about Coronavirus. DR. SOLEZIAK: Let’s not! INTERVIEWER: You’re a funny guy. And, I’m guessing, a great doctor too? DR. SOLEZIAK: I’ll take “funny guy.” INTERVIEWER: Seriously though. You said something to me before this interview about the Coronavirus. DR. SOLEZIAK: Yeah. INTERVIEWER: Yeah what? DR. SOLEZIAK: Yeah, I said something. INTERVIEWER: Would you say it again? DR. SOLEZIAK: Sure. INTERVIEWER: Go ahead. DR. SOLEZIAK: Am I getting paid for this? INTERVIEWER: (TO SOMEONE IN ANOTHER ROOM) Is Garrett getting paid for this? DR. SOLEZIAK: Someone said I’m getting paid. INTERVIEWER: Yeah. Yeah. I’m guessing that’s accurate. DR. SOLEZIAK: That I’m getting paid? INTERVIEWER: Yeah. DR. SOLEZIAK: Good. INTERVIEWER: Listen, can we just talk about the Coronavirus for a second? DR. SOLEZIAK: Whatever. Sure, I guess. INTERVIEWER: You told me earlier you think it’s gone? DR. SOLEZIAK: Yeah. INTERVIEWER: Like it’s not here anymore? DR. SOLEZIAK: Yeah. INTERVIEWER: So, Coronavirus is over? DR. SOLEZIAK: Yeah. INTERVIEWER: Could you explain that a little? DR. SOLEZIAK: It’s like it was here and then it wasn’t. Or isn’t. I don’t know which tense is right to say that. INTERVIEWER: How did you come to that conclusion? That Coronavirus is gone? DR. SOLEZIAK: Medical studies. Mostly that. INTERVIEWER: Can you just say what we fucking told you to say? DR. SOLEZIAK: The stuff about psycho… Psychopaths or something? INTERVIEWER: Jesus. Read off the paper. DR. SOLEZIAK: The handwriting is hard to understand… INTERVIEWER: It’s fucking typed, Garrett. DR. SOLEZIAK: I’m not reading this. INTERVIEWER: Then you’re definitely not getting paid. DR. SOLEZIAK: If I could read or write, do you think I’d be doing this shit for you? INTERVIEWER: You can’t read? DR. SOLEZIAK: Or write. INTERVIEWER: Yeah. That usually goes together. DR. SOLEZIAK: Hold on. I’m going to try… Hold on… The reason we don’t have Coronavirus anymore… Is… INTERVIEWER: Good. Keep going. DR. SOLEZIAK: Is because of psychopaths…? INTERVIEWER: Fuck you, Garrett. We’re done. DR. SOLEZIAK: At least take me to Taco Bell.  A news broadcast in Alternative America. Using proprietary neutrino scales and measurements, a scientific team commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report saw glimpses into a neighboring, alternative universe, which is 99.9% the same as us. The one difference? They’ve been hit by a pandemic that sucks far worse than ours. Here are the details:
AMERICA: States and school districts decide on how to open schools. Some opt for online learning. Others have in-class models with mask-mandated or mask-optional policies. ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: Glendor Gallanpuss, owner of Alternative America, has changed the word “school” to the word “home,” and has given all students the option of either going home or going to school. AMERICA: Fall sports are cancelled in many states. ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: There is really only one “sport” and it’s something where you take off your penis and throw it at people. Once you do it, you retire from the sport, because your penis is gone. AMERICA: If a vaccine is developed and approved, next year we may get back to normal. ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: Alternative America is “back to normal.” It’s pretty much like this without the pandemic. AMERICA: Masks must be worn to prevent the spread of the virus. ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: Penis clamps are the one way the disease is stopped from spreading. But only if they’re super, duper tight. AMERICA: Teachers are concerned for their own safety as they conduct classes during a pandemic. ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: Glendor Gallanpuss has abolished the profession of teaching and replaced it with a new profession called “dick slapping” in which practitioners slap people with their penises. When former teachers showed up to work at the end of last year, they were arrested for being sexual predators. Basically, there are no teachers anymore, but a lot of dick slappers. AMERICA: Stay at home orders sequester families in place for weeks and months. ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: Stay in your bed orders make sure no one can leave their beds pretty much ever. AMERICA: Suicide rates have spiked from depression over the crisis and being kept indoors. ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: Most people just started killing themselves out of boredom. AMERICA: The news displays the numbers of cases and deaths as a constant reminder of the tragedy and danger. ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: The news is basically just a guy screaming. And you can’t turn it off. AMERICA: Political groups take advantage of the chaos to get votes. ALTERNATIVE AMERICA: The Dick Slappers’ Union is a major lobbying group that influences policy. |
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