 In previous articles, the Intergalactic Business Report has issued stern warnings about the rise of humorbots, which are subversive propaganda tools used by foreign governments to eerily critique America while praising their own countries and cultures. Unfortunately, humorbots are on the rise again, and this time, they aren’t just limited to a couple countries in economic competition with us. Below we reveal 5 new bot-generated memes from around the world that seek to infiltrate your brain with humor only their cultures could find funny. Don’t laugh. Don’t share. Just beware. Our first entry is from Uruguay:   Next is one from Iceland: Another comes from Italy:  This one, we believe is from Mongolia:  Finally, a mesmerizing selection we have traced to servers in Greece:   Ask yourself, "Da fuh is he doing to my mouth?" You go to the dentist. He looks around in your mouth and says stuff. You nod and pay him money. Then he drills the fuck out of your teeth. In what world is this okay? For many years, the Intergalactic Business Report has suspected that the profession of dentistry is fake, but we could never definitively prove it… Till now… Following an exhaustive investigation of the dental industrial complex (including dental “schools” and offices all over the country) IBR offers conclusive evidence that the entire practice is a made-up money grab that steals from you as it makes mouth molesting “dentists” rich. Here’s the proof: 1. Those aren’t X rays you’re seeing. Dentists always show you pictures of your teeth, point at them, and say, “Look. See that?” and you have no idea what they’re talking about but you nod anyway. We found that the picture they show you is just a black and white close up of a man’s teeth from 1959. They just share that photo and show it to everyone and then make up shit about what it means. For instance: “See that? That’s a cavity. That’s bad. That needs to be fixed. Now give me some money.” 2. They numb you, so they can pillage your mouth with their medieval tools. Numbing, or “incapacitating the victim,” as dentists will call it in private, is a way to make sure you can’t feel the horror of what they choose to do inside your mouth. If you look over, you may see an area where they’ve set out all their little knives and pokers, and you naturally look away, because you don’t want to think about those things tearing through your burrito eater. But next time, look closely and you’ll see they are the same tools used in torture chambers in the middle ages and passed down generation after generation till your torturer got them.* 3. You can never see what the fuck they’re doing. Dentists put on some music or, in some cases, harness you with a contraption that lets you watch movies. This is to distract you from figuring out that they are just doing random shit inside your mouth. 4. Dental sessions end when the dentist just gets sick of torturing you. At some point during your punishment, the dentist will say something like, “O.K. we’re done,” and this just means he’s bored of fucking with your mouth and wants to move on to his next victim who waits, terrified, in the next room. 5. Dentists become defensive when you share our proof with them. If you ever see a dentist at the grocery store or just out on the street, and confront him with our facts, he will act super angry and weird, thus admitting his guilt and that we are right about all of this. In our encounters with dentists, in which we followed them home or to Target parking lots and then cornered and questioned them, there was a high degree of fear and even violence exhibited. We find this to be a clear sign that we’ve hit a nerve, so to speak, with them. Some of their responses included: “Get the fuck away from me,” and “I’m going to call the cops,” which are things only the guilty say. 6. The word “dentist” means something in Latin that’s bad. We are not experts in Latin, which we also believe may be fake and the subject of a future article, but we can say with almost one hundred percent accuracy that the word “dentist” comes from it and means something fucking horrible. *We strongly believe, but can’t prove yet, that all dentists are descendants of medieval executioners and torturers. It’s kind of like being a vampire or a witch, sort of…  Gold is super fake? In an exclusive exposé, Cedric Bigglestone sits down with a gold company executive to find the truth. My journey to truth began as it usually does. I sat in a bar, having a moderately priced fishbowl drink. The bartender had stopped talking to me and I was alone with the t.v. that hung nearby. That’s when I saw yet another commercial for buying gold. “Buy gold!” the ad announced. "Buy it now because it outperforms the stock market and will make you rich." I knew my wallet was filled with credit cards and a few dollars I’d made from an impromptu lap dance for some retired postal workers. But that was just plastic and paper. Not precious metal. So I longed for some. I longed for gold to be in my pants instead of what I had. Hell, I wanted a gold dick, a gold face, gold hair. Fuck regular money, I thought, and also screamed because my thoughts and my voice are the same I’ve discovered. The bartender simply pulled out his phone and threatened me with it as he always does. Did I want him to call the cops again? No. I guess not. So I left and wandered down the street. It was there, on the concrete path of life that I had my revelation about the gold industry and that was that it must be fake. After all, if gold was so valuable and awesome why were the gold companies trying to get rid of it all the time? Why didn’t they just keep all the gold for themselves and be rich? This led me to interview an anonymous representative of the gold industry. In a secret meeting with me, he revealed the stunning real story behind what we call “gold.” Here it is: CEDRIC: So you’re a high level gold executive? SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: That’s right? CEDRIC: Named Barry Winters? SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: Don’t use my name! You said you wouldn’t use my name! CEDRIC: I’ll redact it or whatever. Don’t worry… Jesus… So, what does it mean to be a gold executive? SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: I work for a company that sells gold. CEDRIC: Like from pirates? SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: What? CEDRIC: Like pirate gold? SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: We don’t have pirate gold, no. We have coins, yes… And… CEDRIC: That’s fucking bullshit. SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: Pardon me? CEDRIC: Nothing. Anyway, is gold fake? SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: Fake? CEDRIC: Why are you selling it all the time? Why not keep it all and just be rich? SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: That’s not how it works. We sell the gold to our clients and they assume a risk if the price of gold goes down. However…. CEDRIC: I thought gold was a great investment. How would the price go down? SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: Well… CEDRIC: Is gold fake? SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: You asked that before. I assure you, gold is very real. It’s… CEDRIC: Do you know King Midas? SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: The legend of King Midas? Yes, of course… CEDRIC: No. I mean do you know King Midas? The man? The real man. SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: I think I should leave now. I’m feeling a little uncomfortable with the tone of this interview. CEDRIC: Maybe you’re feeling a little uncomfortable with lying to people about gold. I mean, if you have all this gold to sell, why don’t you have like a gold sword or a gold helmet or something? Why the fuck are you wearing a suit? I mean a non-golden suit? SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: I’ve tried to answer your questions. May I leave now? CEDRIC: Why wouldn’t you be able to leave? SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: Because I’m tied to a chair? At this point the interview really ended because Barry wouldn’t be straight with me or answer my questions. Each time I asked something, he was evasive and my lie detector chip which I installed in my left temple gives me the ability to detect evasiveness and he failed. But what does all this mean for you, the consumer? I’m still working on that. For now, I’m just going to say that I wouldn’t buy “gold” from anyone who doesn’t physically have pirate treasure or wear gold armor. For now, that’s all any of us can do. Till next time. Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at [email protected]. |
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