The Intergalactic Business Report is known for its far-reaching studies and scientific accuracy, but the field of genetics is one that leaves us in awe.
Spinning double helixes of DNA determine everything from our eye color to what made-up race we belong to, and this has spawned mind-blowing opportunities for companies to make untold wealth by telling you that you don’t know who you actually are till you pay them money first.
Are you a Viking? Or are you someone who would have been rounded up and killed a hundred years ago for being considered inferior stock? What’s most important is that we all take the time and money to find out for sure what separates us the most from our fellow human beings and then make a big deal about it.
An earth-shattering new genetic study, commissioned solely by the Intergalactic Report, has revealed something about humankind that goes beyond determining how racially pure or impure we all are. We have found that you are related to yourself. But what does this mean?
We’ve outlined the five most important questions you may have:
Q: What does it mean to be related to myself?
A: Because you’re related to yourself, your genes are exactly identical to your genes. This is like having an identical twin inside you.
Q: If I'm my own relative, can I meet myself?
A: Have you ever thought something and known immediately what you’re thinking? That’s because you are related to yourself and can read your own thoughts. If you want to meet yourself, just say hello, or ask a question. You can do this either out loud or in your mind!
Q: How do I find out why I turned out the way I am?
A: You can do this by using a new genetic study technique: thinking back to your childhood. You can also study this past by talking to people who were alive when you were young, such as parents, siblings, other relatives, and even friends.
Q: When the day of the rope is upon us, will I be spared or killed?
A: That all depends if you are whatever racial makeup the people with the rope have determined is good or bad. But the comforting news is that If you’ve submitted to having a DNA test, all that information will be easily accessible in a database, and the roving bands of racial purists will be able to sort things out easily and can let you know whether you are one of them or need to be put down.
Q: Can I change my genetics so that I’m no longer related to myself?
A: Of course.
Each time a new report appears about the Mongolian Death Worm, it seems impossible for the horror to get any worse. But then you read on and it is.
1. Your mom has probably had sex with a Mongolian Death Worm and never told you about it. Old letters and high school yearbooks have revealed that Mongolian Death Worms frequently had one night stands with women in the 1960’s, 70’s, and 80’s. Mongolian Death Worms do not consume alcohol, but would attend parties and pretend to be as drunk as everyone else there. Then they would opportunistically wait till your mom had too much to drink and say to her, “hey, do you wanna get out of here?” And your mom was so shit-faced, she said yes. To a worm.
2. In an extraordinarily lucky turn of events for your mom, the death worm was too tired to kill her because it was worn out after all the sex. Your mom could go all night long, especially after drinking a lot.
3. You probably are genetically related to one. Because of your mother’s irresponsible dalliances, it is probable that you carry a gene or two from the Mongolian Death Worm and that possibly one could be your father. That’s how genetics works, right?
4. We hate to go back to this, but why did your mom sleep with a death worm? How drunk was she?
5. When your mother and father were first dating and had a talk about how many people they had “hooked up” with, your mom didn’t count the death worm because it wasn’t a human. This seriously skewed her numbers, because she offered something really really low, while your dad kind of inflated his so that he seemed more experienced and cool. Add in that your mother also didn’t include Randy Treliak and his cousin that one night after homecoming and the numbers get even worse. In addition, your dad was counting “how many times” and not “how many people” and if your mom had counted how many times, it would have been at porn star levels.
6. The Mongolian Death Worm kind of got sick of hearing from your mom again and again, over the years, and seriously regretted accepting her friend request on Facebook and then responding to her on messenger. Your mom is still waiting to get the Mongolian Death Worm’s phone number so she can text him, but the death worm is considering just quitting Facebook in order to break the connection completely.