 As part of an awkward social experiment commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report, self-identified socialite Tina Redinkio has hooked up her diary to the internet. The following is a live-streamed excerpt that has just been captured: “…that’s what a bitch is called, bitch… and then I just told her that again because I didn’t think she heard it the first time. Ha. So funny. Ooh. I just saw that light come on which means they’re streaming my diary again! So exciting for everyone out there to hear all my personal thoughts live-streamed on the internet. Remember, these are my private writings! So be kind as you read them and remember these are not meant for public consumption. They’re secret. Dark secret thoughts. O.K. So, I want to give a shout out to Herbal Loop, which is like a new company that’s sponsoring me and their haircare products are so dope that I use them myself. And also, Snickers? I’m sponsored by Snickers? Oh shit. That’s my girl Jody just fucking with me. She said to say Snickers. What a slut! Ha ha. You know I love you, Jody. I do. O.K., so I was going to enter something just between me and myself and that was… uh…. So hard to do this… It’s like, what am I saying to my diary today, right? O.K… So here it is… Deep dark secret. I met this guy on Tinder and he was all like let’s have sex, but he said it after we had dinner, cause we met out for dinner, but it was this really janky place cause he picked it and said it was good, but it wasn’t? I ordered this salad and it was like three pieces of lettuce and then like a huge carrot or something and I was asking the waitress what that was and she said it wasn’t a carrot? It was like some root or something? And that was because the restaurant was Asian? So then I had to figure out if I was gonna have sex with this guy, because dinner was almost over and then… Fuck you Jody? WTF? Jody’s saying she knows the same guy? Anyway, diary, I just want to thank you for being such a good listener! Ha. So funny. Wait. Is the light going off now?...” According to laws, we’re only allowed to broadcast a diary for about two minutes before cutting off the signal. So, till next time…  The “Dark Web.” Kind of like dark chocolate in that it’s like regular chocolate only it tastes like shit. With all the fear surrounding this netherworld, the Intergalactic Business Report went on some of the darkest, deepest sites and report what we’ve found. Search at your peril for these dark Web sites: Drunk house sellers: This is where you sell your house online when you’re really drunk. Teddy bear bong purveyors: This horrifying Web site sells bongs made from the stolen teddy bears of children. Nigerian Prince Connection: Here you are matched with an African prince who will transfer money to your bank account and may even marry you afterwards. So far, we think this one is legit and a wedding is being planned for next summer. Say congrats if you see us. Man versus squirrel herd. Ever wanted to see a man fight about a hundred rabid-looking varmits? This is your chance. Spoiler alert: the men never win. (We think this one may actually just be a Japanese game show.) Download my brain. This one features attempts of amateur surgeon/scientists to download the contents of their brains onto computers. Unfortunately, none of the participants seem to have any formal training in surgery or science. Shitcoin. Like Bitcoin only people trade in pieces of shit, which are mailed to you. Date my dead grandmother. A guy in a mental institution in Thailand invites you to go on date with his grandmother who died, we think, sometime in the last twenty years. If you sign up for it, we’re pretty sure he ends up killing you. Illegal cigarette smoking network. Two guys named Igor and Jeff smoke cigarettes they acquired without paying the usual six dollar sin tax. They gloat and challenge the government to find them. Evil twin sister. Ever wished you were someone’s evil twin sister? This site connects you with black market plastic surgeons who will change your face and body so you resemble another person so exactly that you can show up in her life and either claim you’re her long lost twin sister or simply just hook up with her boyfriend.  If you go here, a butler may try to switch penises with you. After watching t.v. shows about alternative realities for almost 72 hours, I began to wonder if it was possible for me to travel to another version of our universe. This is what I discovered: 1. The t.v. show “Sliders” is about a group of people who keep “sliding” through different historical realities. They have to keep “sliding” till they get back home and I can’t remember if they ever do. In my version of that show, I “slide” out of my pants while I’m at an airport and security tries to arrest me, but then I just disappear and go to another reality where they try to arrest me again, and so on, till I land in a world where it’s cool to take your pants off in the airport. 2. In the “Man in the High Castle,” the Nazis won the war and now rule America. It sucks. In “The Penis in my Pants,” which is the version of the show I would do, my penis has won the war and immediately becomes bigger than ever before—maybe even nine to ten inches. 3. In “the Hobbit,” I guess the world has hobbits? This is the one that really throws me off. I keep wondering if it’s possible to somehow go to that world and if my penis would be hobbit-sized or if I would have the same size penis I do now but it would seem like a massive dong compared to all the hobbit people, which would make me a porn star or something? 4. In “the Golden Girls,” everyone is old and lives in a nursing home (I think?). Would my penis even work in that world? I really hope I never “slide” there. 5. In “The Walking Dead,” everyone has a disease that makes them turn into zombies when they die. I guess in that world, no one really cares if you walk around in an airport with no pants on. So that’s good I guess? 6. I haven’t actually watched “Downton Abbey,” but it looks like it takes place in an alternative universe where people live in a huge house in the middle of nowhere and all become butlers. I assume everyone there is trying to leave their reality as much as I’m trying to leave my reality. And I also assume if I ever get there it would be a like a “switch” where one of the butlers would high-five me as we passed and say, “Good luck,” or something. Then I’d look down and see we also switched penises and that now I have a butler penis. 7. The show “Friends” features an alternative universe where people in their twenties have 2,000 square foot open concept apartments in Manhattan and meet at a coffee shop instead of working. I assume the men here have penises, like me. That’s really as far as I got with this one. 8. Finally, “Penis world” is a show that’s invented in the future so no one here has ever heard of it. In this universe my penis rules over all other penises. It’s a fair ruler although sometimes it freaks out and kills a lot of the other penises and then feels bad about it and starts worrying it will be overthrown because of its cruelty. But as it starts to worry more, it comes to the conclusion that it has to kill more penises before they rise up (so to speak) against it. So it kills more penises, and so on. It’s kind of a vicious cycle. Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at [email protected]. |
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