A recent Intergalactic Business Report article was deemed so shitty by one of our readers that it actually wasted his “life energy” as he continued to read and wait for something to make it worth reading. Unfortunately, after finishing the entire piece, he discovered there was no punchline and that the article had absolutely no value to him in any way. This depleted his life energy that could have been spent doing almost anything else.
When confronted with this news, IBR supreme editor Dusty Latouffe offered his condolences to the reader and his family, saying, “We regret that this reader lost life energy because of our shitty article. We hope he will recover and gain back some of it so he can read more of our shitty articles.”
When asked whether this was an isolated incident, Latouffe admitted that many of IBR’s articles contain shit so shitty that they regularly suck life energy out of readers, leaving them weak and frustrated after reading them. Only a few, however, have the courage to actually post something on Facebook afterwards, calling out the absolute shittiness of the article for everyone to see.
“Sometimes,” Latouffe said, “readers will see a headline and think to themselves, O.K., I’ll read that. Maybe there will be a punchline or at least something making this worth it to read. Then they’ll get to the end and find absolutely nothing. At that point, their life energy levels are so low they die right there. Once in a while, we see someone strong enough to continue on and start posting stuff about how shitty we are.”
Latouffe added that there are no current plans to end even the shittiest articles or shitty writing. Punchlines or satisfying endings to articles will also not be in the budget for the coming year, and readers will need to expend more life energy each time they waste their time reading IBR content.
This has major implications for the future of mankind as well, Latouffe points out. “Many of our readers, like the one pointing out how shitty we are, could have been spending their time researching the cure for cancer, solving the Middle East crisis, or just getting really really drunk. Now that time is gone forever.”
If you have read an Intergalactic Business Report article at interglalacticbiz.com and feel your life energy has been severely depleted, please send us a note at firstname.lastname@example.org.
The internet has been described as not only a marketplace of ideas, but a marketplace for things you buy. The Intergalactic Business Report believes this so strongly that we’ve pushed the limits of commerce by purchasing a “mask of jesus,” a “cane of truth,” an “alien mind probe,” “Excalibur,” and a “cloak of invisibility” all online. What could we possibly buy next? You guessed it. An alien spider egg. See what we learned below:
1. There’s a lot of debate surrounding what is and isn’t an alien spider egg. Apparently, the whole subject of alien spider eggs can set off a massive nerd war on the internet, with everybody from paid nerd entomologists to just regular nerds who talk about “face huggers” from some movie they’ve seen eighty times. We went around this conflict by locating a guy who said he’d do the internet search for us for several thousand dollars. He went into a Starbucks and returned several minutes later with a venti coffee with half and half and a lot of sugar. He also said for five grand he could get us three eggs. We thought that sounded good and agreed immediately.*
2. Alien spider eggs are a poor choice as a general purchase. Besides the enormous cost of the egg, when you break it open a spider crawls out and you sit there and think, “Why did I buy this?” Then the spider crawls away to have babies that will be somewhere in your house. Luckily we performed all experiments in an intern’s apartment, which we recommend for all experiments.**
3. Alien spider eggs are difficult to eat. The eggs are very large and a member of our team tried to eat one, which released a spider upon the first bite. That sucked. We think it might have entered his mouth.
4. Alien spider egg shells are extremely brittle. When whipped against the intern’s apartment wall, the egg immediately shattered, releasing several baby spiders, who scurried away. One of us remarked, “What the fuck just happened?” and another one of us just sat there, kind of freaked out and scared, but said nothing because he didn’t want to seem like a pussy, but left a few minutes later citing he had some shit to do somewhere else.
5. Conclusion: Alien spider eggs suck. Hard. Three eggs cost us close to twenty thousand dollars when we started adding in the shipping costs the guy at Starbucks charged us as well as the one-time service fee he demanded before giving us the eggs. Three eggs lasted us about ten minutes and completely infested the intern’s apartment with dangerous insects that are apparently causing some kind of panic as the spiders multiply and spread all over the city.***
*We’ve learned from previous experiences that spending a lot of time on thought and thinking, especially in the context of making decisions, is something we can’t remember. So we just do things. Kind of like Nike.
**The Intergalactic Business Report offers an amazing summer and year-round unpaid internships for anyone interested. Send us a note at email@example.com and tell us about yourself.
***Some local “authorities” gave us some bullshit about how this could lead to the end of our “civilization” if we can’t get this shit under control because the spiders are immune to pesticides and have some kind of special alien armor that protects them from everything. Oh, and they also have venom that kills you in like ten seconds. Whatever.
Recently, the Intergalactic Business Report told you about Chinese “humor-bots,”that create clever memes that subtly criticize American culture while promoting Chinese communism and nationalism. While these insidious, computerized, and incredibly sophisticated jokes and pictures shocked and terrified us in their diabolical effectiveness, we are even more horrified by what we see now being done by the Germans.
Not known for their sense of humor, the Germans have created code and programming that makes up for their funny deficiencies. You may have seen some of these memes as you click through Facebook or Instagram and thought to yourself: “This is so funny and insightful. I think I’ll share it with a million people.” But when you stupidly do this, you are only degrading the U.S.A and giving the Germans what they want.
Today we reprint these memes so that you won’t be fooled by their cleverness and wittitudes. Below are the five most popular ones. Beware and don’t share.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.