You may have read a Vox article warning that within thirty years a massive climate shift will change cities across the country into other cities that are warmer and different. Minneapolis will become Des Moines. Cleveland becomes St. Louis. And St. Louis will turn into Tulsa.
The Intergalactic Business Report dug deep into the study and found a terrifying prediction that had nothing to do with climate change at all. If you are a citizen of Albuquerque, New Mexico, you should be afraid for your future.
The horrifying news
According to the report, the city of Albuquerque will turn into an Elephant Butte (sic). This means that an entire American city will not only cease to exist, but it will actually transform into a gigantic pachydermal ass.
What this means for people in Albuquerque
Our advice would be to leave the city soon, because we don’t have a clear idea what happens to people when a city turns into a huge elephant ass. Do they remain in the ass and live there? Or does the ass reject humans? We don’t know.
The good news will be that no one will ever need to spell “Albuquerque” again, except in reference to the city that transmogrified into an enormous butt.
The new “Atlantis.”
We firmly believe that in the future, Albuquerque will be seen the same way Atlantis is today—as a lost city that may or may not have existed. Television programs will search around the elephant ass and entice their viewers with the possibility that maybe this gargantuan rear end in the desert was once a city.
Terrifying questions remain.
Perhaps the scariest possibility of an elephant ass the size of a city is whether or not it will produce farts. Scientists questioned by the Intergalactic Business Report were split on this. Some say since the butt won’t be attached to an actual elephant, it will be unable to rip an earth-shaking fart across the desert. But others contend that a butt is a butt and it will almost surely blow a massive, greasy fart that will devastate wildlife and humans for thousands of miles beyond it.
Not to worry though, according to one scientist, who says the butt may be like a dormant volcano, erupting once every thousand years or so. He also predicts that the gas emanating from the butt will only ruin your clothes and make you ill for a couple days before it dissipates.
But other scientists say that the first scientist is just making up shit and that the elephant ass will probably fart daily, like “Old Faithful” and not just ruin clothing, but cover your house in “fart sauce" if you live in the state of New Mexico.
We will continue to watch this story as it develops in the next thirty years.
The Intergalactic Business Report’s Secret Report always offers stories that are sure to astound, baffle, and even mentally harm our readers. But today, we reveal something so shocking and unreal that it will, in essence, wreck the brains of anyone reading it. So, beware as you continue on.
New research, commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report, offers new, conclusive evidence that William Shakespeare is an ancient “death sprite” sent from the 16th century to ruin our happiness. We break it down for you below:
ORIGINS OF THE “DEATH SPRITE” THEORY
For years, writers and editors at the Intergalactic Business Report had a strange feeling that something was off about the works of William Shakespeare. They felt it odd that so many “plays” could be written that were so boring and impossible to understand but that were, at the same time, praised and held up by hapless nerds as the greatest thing they had ever read.
One of our editors talked with a “Shakespeare scholar” and couldn’t help but notice the dead look in his eyes as he pretended to be excited about words, plays, and characters he rattled off as if he were being told to do so by some ungodly, distant being. As he spoke, this “scholar” seemed to also mouth the words, “Help me” between reciting prancy language he had memorized, like a word slave to his master.
THE THEORY DEVELOPS FURTHER
Nobody had ever heard of the term, “death sprite,” but it seemed appropriate as our editors began discussing the eerie people who followed Shakespeare as if he were their controller. Someone suggested that maybe Shakespeare was a supernatural creature with a medieval/renaissance sounding name and that he could control people’s minds and make them do stupid things for him. That sounded good and we went with it. But what would we call this creature? Someone yelled, “Death sprite.” We went with that too.
HOW DOES THE “DEATH SPRITE” OPERATE?
It was soon clear to any reasonable person that Shakespeare was indeed a supernatural creature who came from the 16th century with malicious intent. The question remained, however, about what he was doing here, in our century, and why. While there is no formal or informal scholarship about death sprites, we were able to assume some very obvious facts.
1. All of Shakespeare’s works are crazy madness, imagined by this death sprite in order to confuse us with their flouncy nonsense.
2. Many weak-minded people have succumbed to the death sprite and now do his bidding as actors, set designers, and directors of his “plays.” These death sprite minions no longer control their own souls, minds, or destinies, and instead slavishly recite the insane verses of their master.
3. When you hear someone quote Shakespeare, they are attempting to make you a minion too.
4. The death sprite’s ultimate goal is simply to make all of us look stupid, by having us quote him and pretend that makes us smart, and by pretending to be moved or unable to contain our laughter at one of his nonsensical and unfunny “plays.”
WHAT CAN YOU DO TO AVOID BEING CONTROLLED BY THE DEATH SPRITE?
Not much, but you are probably in luck if you find Shakespeare impossible to understand. This means you are not as susceptible to the death sprite’s considerable charms and powers.
This doesn’t mean you are safe, however. Each year, school teachers, controlled by the death sprite, attempt to force students to bow down to Shakespeare by telling them he was a “genius” and that they should try their hardest to “understand” what he’s talking about in his plays. Of course, the words they read are sheer and utter madness, but some students begin believing that the words make sense. This is when they become subservient to the death sprite.
While we will continue working on solutions and ways to combat the death sprite, the only practical escape we can recommend at this time is to make loud noises, cover your ears, and run when someone talks about or performs Shakespeare in front of you. Maybe take your pants off too. (We’re still working on this.)
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.