Predictive modeling is a thing scientists and researchers do and it gives us a crystal-clear picture of exactly what will happen in the future—almost like the way witchcraft and soothesayery (?) works.
Because of our deep interest in science and being able to see into the future, the Intergalactic Business Report commissioned a study to pinpoint what will be the absolute worst year for human beings. The answer stunned us. And it will stun you too. Here are the nine essential details:
1. The year 2023 will be the worst year to be a human being. On February 17, explorers will accidentally uncover an enormous hole in the Earth in the Antarctic. While the hole won’t spell the end of our existence, it will function effectively as a gigantic butthole that has been holding in a fart for about a billion years.
2. The “fart” will be released a few days later. The “Earth butthole” as it will be called, will finally fart now that it has been given its freedom. The first fart will form a cloud over most of the planet that will block out the sun for several days.
3. The “fart cloud” will not destroy our planet. That’s the good news. The bad news is that on March 4, the cloud will produce “fart rain” that will pour over most of the Earth. Fart rain will be like rain, only it will really be watery poop, like diarrhea or something.
4. “Fart floods” will devastate Midwest America. Mostly because the Mississippi River will essentially become a huge turd funnel, stretching through the middle of the country. As it overflows, communities will be covered in feces.
5. After the fart floods end, the Earth will quickly get back to normal but everyone will be unhappy and traumatized. After being rained upon by a literal “shit storm,” humans will begin to feel like they shouldn’t even try anymore. The consensus thought will be: “We worked all these years, and in the end, we just get shit on.”
6. Some guy named “Randolph” starts a religion about it. He sets up some kind of temple by the fart orifice and has a t.v. show that everyone seems to watch. It’s really depressing because the whole program is basically him talking about farts, which is entertaining for the first couple episodes, but then it gets really really boring.
7. The ratings for Randolph’s show are so high that they quickly eliminate all other programming. So, basically, the only entertainment is Randolph talking about the butt crack in the Earth and how he hopes it farts again.
8. By the end of 2023, basically everyone on Earth is worshipping a butt in the Antarctic, making this the worst year to ever be a human. It even beats the year 2672, when we get enslaved by Aliens.
9. Good news. 2024 goes back to normal, pretty much, partially because Randolph falls inside the butt crevice on his 2023 New Year’s special.
Bad habits. They’re gross or unhealthy. They may even make you unattractive. But new science uncovers that some of them will dramatically extend your life. The Intergalactic Business Report uses that science to calculate exactly what you can gain from each “bad” behavior.
1. Having a visible “boner.”
LIFE EXTENSION: 9.7 MINUTES.
It’s embarrassing. You’re totally hard in public. And you’re a grown man – not some kid hitting puberty. What’s worse is that it kind of turns you on. For years, psychologists and human resources people would consider this a major social problem that could inhibit your relationships both at work and on public transportation. But a recent scientific/medical discovery has shown conclusively that an erection actually “dies” after you do, leaving you 9.7 minutes of rock hard “life” after the rest of your body has left this Earth.
2. Scratching your ass in public.
LIFE EXTENSION: 2.3 MINUTES.
Sometimes you have an itch so bad you just don’t care if everyone around you stares as you basically finger your own asshole in front of them. New research confirms that while this kind of itching may be socially unacceptable, it has a tremendous side benefit: minutes of extra living. This comes from the constant finger exercises you do over your lifetime, building just enough muscle and fitness to extend your life by 2.3 minutes.
3. Touching people when they don’t want you to touch them.
LIFE EXTENSION: 3.9 SECONDS.
Let’s face it, if you’re a “toucher” life can be difficult for you. You have an irrepressible need to put your hands and fingers on other people when you’re talking to them or even when you’re not. It makes them uncomfortable and even likely to call security. But on your death bed, your body will be compelled to get one last “touch” in and you’ll reach out for 3.9 seconds to try to grab a nurse or passerby.
4. Smelling like shit.
LIFE EXTENSION: 14 SECONDS.
By “smelling like shit” we mean that you smell like shit and not that your nose is shitty at smelling. This condition usually follows not bathing for, perhaps, several weeks, and probably rolling around in feces – a lot. But that foul stench will keep whoever pulls your plug away for 14 seconds as he steadies himself to walk closer to your stench.
5. Screaming for no reason.
LIFE EXTENSION: .06 SECONDS.
You want to say something. And you don’t know how. But you do know how to scream like something’s really really wrong. And you do it right in people’s faces. While they recoil and even run away from you, it can be discouraging. After all, you were just trying to say something, even if that something wasn’t in a language or tone that anyone could distinguish from an incredibly loud, screeching noise emanating from your mouth and into their faces. While the afterlife usually welcomes new arrivals, there will be an odd, .06 second delay in your departure as whoever awaits you desperately tries to thwart the powers of the universe to keep you out. They manage to do it for .06 seconds, which is pretty impressive, considering.
Secret report: All half-time shows are designed to suck. An exclusive, voice-changed interview with a half-time show planner.
You’re watching a football game. Everything is great. You’re drunk, screaming, standing up and sitting down and not really understanding why. Then comes half-time and the “show” you’re supposed to enjoy for some reason.
Like most of us, you’ve probably thought, “Is this really happening? Why would I want to see a marching band play crappy music I don’t even like when a marching band isn’t playing it?” As it turns out, the questions your head makes you have may be revealing a secret truth about why we have half-time shows at all.
In an ultra-exclusive secret interview with one of the country’s premiere half-time show planners, the Intergalactic Business Report uncovers the truth behind why all of us are forced to watch these spectacles of horror.
We sat down with Gilbert Hamme (his name was changed so that you don’t know who he really is) and got the truth. Oh, and we also used a voice-changer, so our readers can’t identify his voice.*
INTERVIEWER: Half-time shows all suck. True?
GILBERT: It's a little broad to say that all half-time shows suck, but, yes, I think that’s fair to say.
INTERVIEWER: But yet they’re supposed to be entertaining and fun? It doesn’t seem to make any sense.
GILBERT: That’s because it’s not supposed to. Half-time shows are designed to make you feel like you’re going to see something that doesn’t totally suck, but then as soon as you watch it, you feel like you’ve been tricked or cheated.
INTERVIEWER: Why would you do that to us?
GILBERT: Because we hate you.
INTERVIEWER: Me, personally?
GILBERT: Yes, you. But not just you. All Americans in general. And, I would add, anyone else who's around to watch a half-time show.
INTERVIEWER: What’s with the marching bands?
GILBERT: Marching bands were invented by people who couldn’t play sports but wanted to somehow get back at the athletes they despised so much. So they forced their way into the break between the first and second half and just pretty much made everyone in attendance suffer by watching them prance around and play really really bad music that no one likes.
INTERVIEWER: That’s a fascinating history lesson. But what about those huge, Super Bowl half-time shows? Those don’t have marching bands, but they still suck. Really hard. Really really hard.
GILBERT: I would go as far as saying that they suck really really really hard. For the Super Bowl, we have to top ourselves and go beyond the usual misery we inflict on fans at smaller games. So we bring in Justin Timberlake or Bruno Mars and have them do medleys of songs you don’t give a shit about and could listen to on iTunes at a much better quality even if you did. Still, you think because a music superstar is on a stage in the middle of a stadium, it’s going to be better than just listening to it on your phone.
INTERVIEWER: Why do we think that?
GILBERT: Because we make a big fucking deal about it and say, “Oh my god! Justin Timberlake’s the musical performer at the fucking Super Bowl!”
INTERVIEWER: And then we watch it?
GILBERT: Yes. And sometimes you even say shit like, “Oh, that was great.” Even though it wasn’t and it was designed to make you hate yourself.
INTERVIEWER: What’s with all the stupid dancers who surround the stage?
GILBERT: They’re prisoners we bring in to sharpen and enhance the total shittiness of the experience. When you watch them pretend to give a shit about seeing Bon Jovi, your soul breaks inside yourself without you even realizing it.
INTERVIEWER: Should I kill you so we can stop this?
GILBERT: I would say that if I were the ant-christ or something like that, it would be a good idea, but I’m just an asshole, and if we just went around killing all the assholes in the world…
INTERVIEWER: Then it would be a better place? Are you saying I should or shouldn’t kill you?
GILBERT: (Waving away the voice changer) I think this voice-changer thing is making you think I’m saying things I’m not. Could we please end this interview?
INTERVIEWER: Did you just say you ARE the anti-christ? What? You’re the devil?
(At this point, the interview came to a close, and while we did not execute the devil, we did decide to hold him in a cage locked with our “cane of truth” that we bought on the internet.)
*This caused a lot of problems as far as understanding what Gilbert was actually saying to us. Our voice changer was a Star Wars toy that was supposed to make you sound like Darth Vader and we held it up to Gilbert’s mouth while he spoke. When we weren’t sure what he said, we made educated guesses about what he probably spoke and printed that.
According to legend, a “cane of truth” is the only object powerful enough to hold the devil in a cage or room where you could block the door with a cane.
If you read the Intergalactic Business Report, you know that we often encounter the devil and at times need to try to contain him in a cell so that the dark lord cannot prevail over the world. During times when everything seems to be going pretty well on the planet, you can attribute it to us having once again captured the devil and imprisoned him.
How do we hold the devil in his cage? We started with ordering a cane of truth from the internet. Here’s what we found:
1. The “cane of truth” isn’t listed as a cane of truth on the internet. Instead, it’s just called a “walking cane,” and you have no idea which one is the real cane of truth until you buy like two thousand of them. We did this.
2. If it’s a fake cane of truth, the devil can easily remove it from his cage and walk away. We found this out the hard way after the devil just kind of lifted the cane and walked out of the various cages and traps we had built to contain him. As he exited, he would often give us a ghoulish stare and say things like, “You people are fucking crazy. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
3. The cane of truth doesn’t make you more truthful if you hold it. We were able to lie freely while possessing it. We would even make up stuff just to see if something would happen. We told people on the streets that we had foot long dicks and that we could fly. If anything, we found the cane of truth frightened people who encountered it, as long as one of us was holding it and screaming about our penises.
4. The cane of truth is not recommended for food preparation. It has no solid edges, and tends to “smoosh” meat, cheese, and pastries. We would also not recommend it as an eating utensil, though we were able to pierce a hot dog for a moment before it broke apart and fell on the floor. Maybe use a fork or spoon instead.
5. Conclusion: We are almost one-hundred percent certain we own the actual cane of truth from the bible. However, because of cost concerns, we’ve decided it’s just too expensive to actively hunt the devil and thus test our cane. At this point, we’ve just kind of said that if we do encounter him, we’ll make the call about whether or not to imprison him. We also found there’s some legal stuff involved when the devil claims he’s not the devil and you have to explain to authorities that he is, and then the devil shows them an ID that has a name and address on it and the cops think that means he’s not the devil—just because he has a fake name and address. Whatever.
We’ll admit, we were a little skeptical when we saw the legendary sword Excalibur offered on the internet for only $17,000. But we went ahead and placed our order so we could test it and maybe use it to become king of ancient England.
Our first attempt at buying it didn’t turn out well, as the seller took our money and explained that the sword was stuck in a stone in Denmark and that we would need to extract it ourselves. After a horrible journey to a public housing project in Copenhagen, we returned home with nothing.
Months passed before we saw another offer for the heralded sword online. This time the price was much more believable at a hundred and fifty grand, and although we did question how the weapon wound up in Nigeria, we were pleased when it arrived at our offices six months later with a note that read: “Dear sirs and/or madams. This is Excalibur. Enjoy the sword.” This sounded official enough, almost as if written by an Arthurian knight? Who else calls people sir and madam, right?
Anyway. We tested the sword and here’s what we found:
1. It’s illegal to bring it into public spaces and swing it around. Apparently, this goes for all swords, but we found that Excalibur drew special attention from mall patrons and water park goers. We wondered if their screams and panic had to do with the majestic powers emanating from the sword.
2. You do not need to be “pure of heart” to wield Excalibur. We tested this by giving the weapon to “Dirty” James, an intern of ours known for having sex with fruit and cheating on intern applications. He had no problem handling the sword and even ran through a water park swinging it around and yelling, “Hey, motherfuckers, bow before my sword!”
3. Excalibur is not recommended for food preparation unless you like your food “before people knew about germs” style. We tried to cut up food and it was really unsanitary and hard to use, especially chopping onions and smaller vegetables. Rust fell off it pretty regularly and gave our food a “mediaeval” taste that wasn’t for everyone, although Dirty James didn’t complain at all.
4. Excalibur doesn’t talk. We couldn’t remember if Excalibur was supposed to speak, so we spent a lot of time asking it things. It didn’t answer.
5. Excalibur can summon Merlin. We think. Some guy who looked really old like maybe he used to be a magician approached us and said it was because of the sword. Was it Merlin? Probably.
6. Excalibur doesn’t seem to unite people. We found the sword had more of a “Lord of the Rings” thing going because everyone was always arguing about who could use it next or keep it at their apartment. It made people really aggressive too, especially after drinking all night and then taking it out on the streets to confront garbage collectors. We feel strongly that the power of Excalibur needs to be carefully monitored.
7. Conclusion: We probably own the actual sword from Arthurian Legend. And at a total cost of one hundred and sixty-seven thousand (plus airfare, food, hotels, and some other stuff) we think we came away with the bargain of the millennium. We haven’t been able to harness all its powers, but feel strongly that if we do, we will finally bring together all people of America for a final battle against evil, although that sounds like it would completely suck. Most likely, we will put the sword in a box or let Dirty James hang it in his bedroom next to his liquor bottles so that he can make double entendre dick jokes about it (“Can you wield my sword? Oh, I meant this sword!”) when he brings girls back there.