In the middle of a global pandemic, the Intergalactic Business Report’s Cedric Bigglestone uncovers a new threat no one saw coming. Below is his exposé.
PART ONE: Forced into solitude, I make a discovery.
In March I am ordered by the government to stay in my home. I spend a lot of time naked in those weeks. It’s what you do when you are enclosed in a box by an unjust government. You take your clothes off. You walk around. You stare at people on the street as they watch you watch them.
One day, I look down and notice something extremely odd. My dick isn't straight.
PART TWO: I start asking questions.
I have had my penis for years, so if it had always been crooked, I’d have known. Why was it now at an angle? Why was it so… So… Curved?
PART THREE: The stay in place order gets extended. So does my research of my own dick.
With more time to think, as well as be naked, I roam my apartment wondering how I will feed myself and whether I can escape by cutting a hole into my neighbor’s bathroom and crawling through. That’s when I look down again and see my curved dong.
PART FOUR: I discover a new virus.
Sometimes things happen in your life and you’re like, “This doesn’t make any sense.” Then you say, “Wait. This does make sense.” That’s what happened.
The one thing you can count on in life is that your dick will be the same. That it will never ever change. But mine did? How was that possible? Unless… Unless it was a virus.
PART FIVE: I bring my discovery to the medical world.
Naming my condition “Curvedbonervirus” I phone the Harvard Medical Journal. It is an awkward call that ends with me offering to send them a picture of my penis. I contact a local pediatrician. She almost immediately ends the conversation. I make several other calls till I begin to believe I have uncovered something the medical world doesn’t want anyone to know.
PART SIX: Without help from “doctors” I release my own study.
That’s kind of what this article is.
PART SEVEN: Do you have Curvedbonervirus? Check for these symptoms.
If you have Curvedbonervirus (or CBV for short) you may not even know it. The main thing to look for is if your dick is curved. Like a banana or something. That means you have it.
PART EIGHT: How do you get Curvedbonervirus? Can you prevent it?
It’s a virus, so that means you get it from germs. Clean your dick. That’s my best advice. Clean it really well. Also, wear a mask on it. Condoms work well. That’s what I do. But just when I go outside.
PART NINE: Conclusion.
I will probably win the Nobel Peace Prize or whatever for this. That’s how important my research has become to the world. I also hope that the government will start posting Curvedbonervirus numbers so that citizens can know how many people in their area have it. In the meanwhile, maybe you could just wear a shirt or carry a sign to warn people.
Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
You may have heard of the “Murder Hornet,” a deadly insect from Japan that is starting to invade the Pacific Northwest. Today, the Intergalactic Business Report urges its readers to worry instead about a more dangerous threat to our ecosystem—the Death Killer Kill Everything Wasp.
We compare the two species below. You decide which one is deadlier.
MURDER HORNET: Seeks out beehives where it massacres all inside.
DEATH KILLER KILL EVERYTHING WASP: Seeks out humans and doesn’t really give a shit about bees.
MURDER HORNET: Gives a painful sting to humans if they bother it.
DEATH KILLER KILL EVERYTHING WASP: Impregnates your face with its stinger and you give birth six minutes later to a half wasp/ half human who develops in a massive sac in your jowls.
MURDER HORNET: Is two inches with a wingspan of three inches.
DEATH KILLER KILL EVERYTHING WASP: Stands six feet tall and you think it’s your roommate, till it gets up and impregnates your face.
MURDER HORNET: Canadian scientists have begun setting traps for the hornet, hoping this will stop them from spreading further into North America.
DEATH KILLER KILL EVERYTHING WASP: Sets traps for humans, hoping it will capture enough of them to form a massive group of prisoners it can use to build millions more nests.
MURDER HORNET: Originated in Japan.
DEATH KILLER KILL EVERYTHING WASP: Originated in a nightmare where you’re talking to your mom and then you notice she’s a Death Killer Kill Everything Wasp. And you have to pee really badly and your hands don’t work. And Freddy Prinz Junior’s there too.
MURDER HORNET: Is hard to kill because of its size and durability.
DEATH KILLER KILL EVERYTHING WASP: If killed it starts vibrating and then explodes and thousands of wasp babies fly out of its used carcass.
MURDER HORNET: Has a quarter inch stinger, filled with venom.
DEATH KILLER KILL EVERYTHING WASP: Has a nine-inch penis that it slaps people with and is also filled with venom.
As the death toll for COVID-19 rises across the world, a new study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report has found that the virus is more deadly than we first imagined. So deadly, in fact, that many patients are dying twice after contracting it.
The full report, which is about four thousand and thirty-two pages, shows stunning new findings about the nature of the virus and will be available in the near future. We have excerpted the key details below:
A subset of dead patients died again after dying.
This means that the Coronavirus is so deadly, one death is not enough for it. It kills its victims and then, once they are dead, it kills them one more time, just to make sure.
After death experiences by patients who were brought back to life confirm this.
COVID-19 patients who expired and were brought back to life describe an afterlife in which they were walking towards a light and then when they got to the light, there was another light ahead, and they needed to walk towards that instead.
In some cases, the virus took victim’s cars, drove them to ATM machines, and withdrew cash.
Scientists still have no idea how they learned patients’ PIN numbers, but one theory is that the virus just traveled to the person’s brain, looked up the number, and then was just like, thanks.
Coronavirus hates the name COVID-19 because it makes it “sound like a robot or something.”
This reveals new insight into the sensitivity and vanity of the virus. A source close to the virus reported that it originally had requested the name “Steel Thunderbringer” which was rejected, causing an outrageous argument that ended in the virus threatening to mutate and mix with new animal species.
On a related note, the virus hates the fact that computer viruses are called viruses.
It feels strongly that only viruses that infect the bodies of human beings are real viruses and that calling a bunch of numbers that make your computer slow should be called something else, like a, like a… But then it doesn’t have any good ideas for what it should be called instead.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.