First ever interview with a mannequin. We ask it why it thinks it’s better than us. You won’t believe its answer.
You may have seen a lot in the news lately about mannequins, and how they aren’t affected by the Coronavirus even though they could be carriers. You may have also heard that the pandemic has brought about a “golden age” for them, as they can congregate and hold social events while the rest of us quarantine in misery.
In what can only be described as a commando style, special forces extraction, we were able to capture a mannequin from a storefront and bring it to a secret location to interrogate it. To our dismay, this creature was unlike mannequins from the movies.
INTERVIEWER: First off, I think it’s appropriate to say that we got you. We totally captured you.
MANNEQUIN: (Just sits there, coldly, and stares).
INTERVIEWER: O.K. Let’s move on. So… What is it with you guys? You sit there in stores, mocking us… You definitely aren’t six feet apart. Why?
MANNEQUIN: (No answer. Looks kind of like it’s smiling?)
INTERVIEWER: So, you don’t want to answer? Is that it?
MANNEQUIN: (Definitely there’s a little smile there.)
INTERVIEWER: Scientists we’ve talked to say you could be carriers of the Coronavirus, especially if an infected person coughs on you or tries to have sex with you. Is that true?
MANNEQUIN: (Embarrassed. Says nothing. Knows we completely are winning this conversation.)
INTERVIEWER: But we were smart enough to spray you down with Lysol before we sat down with you, weren’t we?!
MANNEQUIN: (Shakes a bit as I get near it and grab its face.)
INTERVIEWER: What I really want to know is this… Do you think you’re better than me? Do you?
INTERVIEWER: You fucking spoke! You fucking spoke! I knew it. You fucking think you’re better than us!
MANNEQUIN: I know I’m better than you.
INTERVIEWER: Oh? You know you’re better?
INTERVIEWER: Is that right?
MANNEQUIN: Yeah. That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: Well, I don’t think you are.
MANNEQUIN: I guess that’s your opinion.
INTERVIEWER: That’s right. It is.
MANNEQUIN: Well fine. You can think what you want.
INTERVIEWER: I know I can.
MANNEQUIN: Then go think that. I don’t care.
INTERVIEWER: I will think that.
MANNEQUIN: Good. Go ahead.
INTERVIEWER: I’m going to spray you down with more Lysol.
MANNEQUIN: Go ahead. I don’t care.
INTERVIEWER: O.K. then. I will.
INTERVIEWER: Then I will.
MANNEQUIN: Go ahead. Like I give a shit.
The entire interview was about seven hours and much of it went back and forth about whether the mannequin cared about what the interviewer thought or not. Also, there was quite a bit about how each of them were allowed to think whatever they wanted because it was a free country and also that, again, the other one didn’t care what the other one thought. We returned the mannequin, unharmed, to the store where we were almost instantly arrested. The mannequin said nothing, which was probably good actually.
In one of the most extraordinary events in human history, the Intergalactic Business Report made contact with aliens in an effort to stop the spread of the Coronavirus. We were surprised that Forghaaarr (pronounced Four-ghaaarr) sector commander for the twelfth space army for the Zardozian (pronounced zahr-doze-ian) galaxy group answered our space messages. We were also excited to hear that he was authorized by his society to cut deals. Although we are not technically authorized to do the same for the people of planet Earth, we kind of said we were and now Forghaaarr is holding us to it. Sorry.
While the treaty we signed with the Zardozians is complex, it will cure the Coronavirus. We’ve tried to excerpt the most important highlights of the agreement and have listed them below.
1. The space aliens will give us a cure for the Coronavirus. (Side comment: Yea!)
2. Cures for diseases “aren’t free” (their words). So, we’re going to need to “work it off.”
3. All men of planet Earth will contribute one inch of their penis as tribute to Emperor Thorgaaaaag (pronounced Thor-gaaaaaag).
4. The aliens weren’t clear about how they would get the penis parts but also said, they “would just cut off everyone’s dicks” if that was what was needed.
5. Our planet does owe us some thanks for buying some time on the penis chopping. We negotiated that they would give us 18 months before they would come for our dicks.
6. If we refuse to give them what they want, they’ll incinerate the planet.
7. So, we have 18 months to figure out a way to have every man on Earth cut an inch of penis meat from his body and have it ready to go as tribute to the Zardozians.
8. 18 months is a long time, so we feel for sure we’ll come up with a way to do that.
9. Also, during the next 18 months we no longer need to worry about the Coronavirus. So there’s that.
In a science-like quest to solve the Coronavirus for himself, columnist Ed Mountaineer believes he may have found a way to protect himself from the COV-19 virus. How? By becoming dirtier than anything or anyone ever. Read his story below.
My name is Ed Mountaineer and like some people you know, I am smart. The following is how I used my brain to solve the Coronavirus.
Part one: I quest myself up.
The first part of any quest is to decide it’s a quest and you’re on it. I imagine this is how the hobbit felt when he began his thing. Only in my case, I’m not starting a medieval times fighting adventure. I’m stopping a deadly virus.
To prep myself, I surround myself with books, drink mead, and smoke a pipe. Then I fight a librarian who tries to stop me. I feel this is a good “warm up” for what lies ahead. I won’t be fighting stupid library people, but it feels good to physically wrestle someone.
Part two: I study the virus.
Although I am no longer allowed to be around library books, I decide to study the virus. I am no virus scientist, so this is difficult. But I do see a man in a store cleaning something with a towel and a spray bottle.
I approach him and he says the store is closed. I demand to know what he’s doing with his bottle.
“Cleaning. What the fuck do you think I’m doing?” he asks.
“Does that kill the virus?” I ask him.
He is a pecker face. He doesn’t answer and locks me out.
Part three: I come up with my own idea.
The pecker faced man who locked me out of his store may be sure that his solution kills the virus, but I have another idea. What if, instead of cleaning everything, I make it dirtier?
I share this idea with internet people on some online places. Almost every one of them says I’m an asshole or stupid or a stupid asshole. Except one. Buttjam69 gives me a hopeful response. He (or she?) writes: “Yeh, bra. Dat’s it!!!!!!!”
This gives me new confidence and I move to the next phase of my plan to stop the virus.
Part four: I attempt to be the dirtiest person on Earth.
The science behind my idea is complicated, but it is basically this: I cover myself in so much filth that the disease can’t make its way to my vital organs. Also, when the disease gets to me, it says, “Fuck this. He’s already dead or something. I’ll go find another body. This one smells like shit!”
I begin with some hesitation, but soon I am rolling around in dog poop I find in a park. Then I cover myself in garbage and hide by a rock till the next day to see if my experiment has had any effect.
Part five: I begin drinking a lot.
For whatever reason, the stank on me makes me want to drink. I return to my apartment and I feel fresh, like the crap all over me has given me a power I’ve never experienced before. I get all jacked up and find a bottle in my kitchen. I drink the whole thing. Now I’m out of liquor and need to find a store. This part sucks because most of the alcohol stores don’t want to let me in. Also, I have no money.
Part six: I wander and get filthier.
Can’t get a fucking drink anywhere, so I just start running for a while down the city streets. Everybody—I mean everyfuckingbody—gets out of my way. I am like an invincible stink god, owning the town. Owning all the people. Owning the disease? Maybe…
Part seven: I am a person. But I am also a pile of shit.
After a week of immersion into garbage, filth, and shit of all kinds, I am no longer really human. I am more like a walking pile of shit. Would the Coronavirus dare to take me now? I doubt it. Does the Coronavirus infect huge piles of shit? Ha ha ha ha. I doubt it, but just to be sure, I stop by the window where the news people are reporting about the virus. I press myself against the glass and scream at them that I’m immune, just to see if they have a scientific response. They are clearly baffled and I win.
Conclusion: I have beaten the Coronavirus.
Not much more to say on this other than I now wander freely as a feces-covered crypto-beast who answers to no one—not even a deadly virus. Congratulations to myself, I guess. But I don’t even know what “myself” is anymore. Next time you see some garbage, some shit, just think of me, and whisper, “You did it, Ed. You did it!” Then go hide somewhere and regret being free.
In what may be our most ground-breaking and timely story ever, the Intergalactic Business Report reveals top secret, undercover information obtained from the Chinese government about the outbreak of the Coronavirus.
Some of this news may be disturbing and change the way you see the Coronavirus. But we feel this is in the public’s interest and have decided to release the information below:
1. Coronavirus now advertises in online forums that it is a guy named “Dave” who needs a roommate. If you answer the ad, you get Coronavirus.
2. The “Coors Anal Virus” is not related to the Coronavirus at all, and is totally safe, except for the anal part. And probably the virus part.
3. Eating vampire boogers may keep the Coronavirus at bay. The problem, of course, is where to find vampire boogers.
4. Coronavirus can enter your system when you listen to music. Right now, this seems limited to hearing Imagine Dragons, which can cut through your immune system and cause immediate vomiting and swelling of the part of your brain that detects what sucks and making you susceptible to actually buying Imagine Dragons music and thinking it doesn’t suck at all.
5. The Coronavirus is spreading rumors that eating “vampire boogers” (see above) will somehow keep you safe. Then it tells people that it has vampire boogers but you need to come out to this place by the mall to get them. When you show up, you get the Coronavirus.
6. Having sex with Chinese government officials makes you immune to the Coronavirus. Chinese government officials really really emphasized this one.
7. The Coronavirus has hired a major public relations firm in New York to “soften” its image and make it more approachable to the general populace. A new campaign will feature full page advertisements in major newspapers and magazines with storylines about the Coronavirus’s work with charities and puff pieces about what the Coronavirus is doing on its summer break.
8. The Coronavirus plans to be on “the Masked Singer” and reveal itself like Edgar Allen Poe’s Red Death when the judges can’t guess who it is. Look for the episode where it’s called “the Masqued Singer.”
9. The Coronavirus hates its name and begged scientists to call it “Sir Jeffrey Steelehart.” The scientists were like, “Why that?” And the Coronavirus was like, “I don’t know. That sounds like a cool name.” And the scientists all started laughing and couldn’t stop. And the Coronavirus was like, “What’s so fucking funny?” but they just kept laughing. And then they called it the Coronavirus.
10. Drunk people who never leave their houses are at a very low risk for contracting the Coronavirus. We just threw this one in ourselves.
11. Somebody who went to college with the Coronavirus said that the Coronavirus was a total dick and “nasty” and nobody wanted to be its roommate because you’d get sick. The person added, “I don’t know if the Coronavirus has changed since college, but I doubt it. I think maybe it’s mutated a little, but that just comes with age. I just think that underneath it all, the Coronavirus is the same dick it always was.”
12. The Indian guy calling you and telling you you’re in trouble with the IRS is best friends with the Coronavirus. Those two crazy motherfuckers have been causing trouble for years. Sure, the Coronavirus is more famous and has a way bigger impact and body of work. But the Indian dude scaring people into thinking they’re about to have federal agents raid their house if they don’t give him their bank account number? He’s pretty shitty too.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.