Exclusive transcript of the Joe Rogan interview with Jesus Christ.

The Joe Rogan Podcast can be either like hearing a fresh, unfettered discussion between two funny intellectuals or a conversation between a captive and the dude who has him in cage in his basement. In both cases, unless his guest is a standup comedian you’ve never heard of, Rogan seems to have no idea whom he’s speaking with or holding hostage. Nowhere was this more apparent than in his recent interview with Jesus Christ, which never aired, but which we at the Intergalactic Business Report acquired through our personal relationship with God. Below, we reveal some key excerpts from the transcript:
 
(EXCERPT):
 
ROGAN: So, hey man, thanks for coming here today.
 
JESUS CHRIST: I’m happy to see you, Joe. Thank you for inviting me.
 
ROGAN: Yeah, yeah… So you’re Jesus Christ. What’s that like? You must have a wild story of like growing up and everything.
 
JESUS CHRIST: It’s a pretty well-known story, but yes, you could say it’s very interesting.
 
ROGAN: Yeah. Yeah… Do you smoke pot?
 
JESUS CHRIST: No. 
 
ROGAN: No?
 
JESUS CHRIST: No.
 
ROGAN: Ever?
 
JESUS CHRIST: No. 
 
ROGAN: Wow. That’s wild. I feel like I’ve smoked pot forever. That’s wild. You’ve never ever smoked weed?
 
JESUS CHRIST: No, I haven’t.
 
ROGAN: I was talking to Mike Tyson about smoking weed and he said it’s like waking up when you’re already awake and I thought that was crazy. But it’s so true. It’s like you’re awake but then you’re more awake or something. Do you know Mike Tyson?
 
JESUS CHRIST: Yes, I do. I know everybody.
 
ROGAN: You know a lot of people, huh?
 
JESUS CHRIST: I know everybody. I know everybody on the planet.
 
ROGAN: Yeah, it feels that way nowadays, right?
 
JESUS CHRIST: Anyway, when I was growing up, Joe, it was difficult because my father was God.
 
ROGAN: Your dad was a god?
 
JESUS CHRIST: Yes. The God. 
 
ROGAN: You mean like he was super famous? Who was your dad?
 
JESUS CHRIST: God. My dad was God. He is God.
 
ROGAN: O.K. O.K. That’s wild. So, you’re saying your dad is God? Currently?
 
JESUS CHRIST: Yes, and so am I.
 
ROGAN: Because you’re related to him?
 
JESUS CHRIST: Kind of.
 
ROGAN: Like you’re God Jr. Does anyone ever call you that?
 
JESUS CHRIST: No.
 
ROGAN: They should. 
 
JESUS CHRIST: Have you ever read the bible?
 
ROGAN: Yeah, sure. Did you write that?
 
JESUS CHRIST: No, but I’m in it.
 
ROGAN: Uh huh. Wait a second. You’re in it?
 
JESUS CHRIST: Yeah.
 
ROGAN: That’s wild.
 
JESUS CHRIST: The New Testament of the bible is pretty much all about me.
 
ROGAN: The New Testament. That’s also the bible?
 
JESUS CHRIST: Yes.
 
ROGAN: (to his producer) Google the New Testament. Wow. That’s wild. Right here it says the New Testament is about you. Like all about you. I thought you were just in it, not that it was about you.
 
JESUS CHRIST: Well, yes, I just told you it’s about me.
 
ROGAN: But the whole thing? I mean, that’s wild. Wow. So that must have been crazy.
 
JESUS CHRIST: What must have been crazy?
 
ROGAN: Being the subject of a book like that.
 
JESUS CHRIST: Well, it’s the most read book in the world.
 
ROGAN: No. Like that’s gotta be like, Harry Potter or something.
 
JESUS CHRIST: No, it’s the bible.
 
ROGAN: (to his producer) Google most read book in the world.
 
JESUS CHRIST: I’m telling you it’s the bible.
 
ROGAN: Wow. It’s saying that’s true. You’re the subject of the most read book in the world.
 
JESUS CHRIST: Yes, I know. 
 
ROGAN: That’s wild.
 
JESUS CHRIST: I suppose it is.
 
ROGAN: Are you familiar at all with Comanche culture?
 
JESUS CHRIST: Yes.
 
ROGAN: How familiar?
 
JESUS CHRIST: Like I know everything about every Comanche ever born and everything they did, believed, and thought.
 
ROGAN: How’s that possible?
 
JESUS CHRIST: Because I’m Jesus Christ.
 
ROGAN: I know.
 
JESUS CHRIST: I’m getting the feeling you really don’t.
 
ROGAN: You know there’s a whole thing about people not knowing other people. And there are two main schools of thought on this. One is that you don’t know people because you don’t know them—like you’ve never met them, and you never will, and they live somewhere else you’ll never see. And the other school of thought is that we know everyone and that there’s only a minute difference in the genetic code that separates us so that in essence, knowing one person is like knowing everybody on the planet because they’re all just slight mutations of the person you already know. Then there are variants on that.

JESUS CHRIST: That's just asinine. 

ROGAN: Huh?

JESUS CHRIST: It sounds like you're making shit up.

ROGAN: But it’s in this book I read by this Voudon priest named Rokhalu Jamesly. Have you ever heard of him?
 
JESUS CHRIST: Yes.
 
ROGAN: You have? Because not many people have ever heard of this guy. He’s a genius.
 
JESUS CHRIST: He’s o.k.
 
ROGAN: You don’t think he’s a genius? I love him.
 
JESUS CHRIST: I love him too. He’s not a genius though. 
 
ROGAN: Wait. How do you know Rokhalu? 
 
JESUS CHRIST: I know him because I’m Jesus Christ.
 
ROGAN: Yeah, I know that.
 
JESUS CHRIST: I really don’t think you do.
 
(END EXCERPT).
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