You’ve probably heard it before. CEO’s are not only super intelligent human beings, but they are also cultured because they read a lot of books. Do you read a lot of books? If the answer is “No,” then you are stupid. If the answer is “Yes,” then you are smart, but only if you are also a CEO.
In one of the broadest sweeping studies ever conducted, the Intergalactic Business Report gathered the secret reading lists of some of the world’s most brilliant CEO’s. These books define who they are and give them special powers to succeed. We list them below:
BOOK: Shut your mouth! I’m talking now!
WHAT IT’S ABOUT:Perhaps the most important book in any CEO’s secret library, this tome goes with the simple premise that if you (the CEO) is talking, everyone should shut their fucking mouths. Why? Because you’re talking.
BOOK: Losers shake hands with the devil. Winners suck his dick.
WHAT IT’S ABOUT: This fiction novel centers on Demarcus Sheeves, an up and coming CEO who has an ongoing sexual affair with Satan, even though Satan only required him to shake hands with him. Satan was like, “Shake my hand,” and Demarcus was like, “I’m going to suck your dick,” and the devil was like, “Um… O.K.”
BOOK: Swank Magazine issue 469.
WHAT IT’S ABOUT: This rare issue has an extended spread of men catching Frisbees on their penises. We found that many CEO’s find this the ultimate metaphor for what they do every day.
BOOK: Together, I get rich.
WHAT IT’S ABOUT: This book focuses on the symbiotic relationship between the CEO and the thousands of people who work for him.
BOOK: Brandon Bradweezil’s guide to cooking field turds.
WHAT IT’S ABOUT: Strangely, this one has nothing to do with business or human interactions. It’s about a guy who finds shit in the woods and cooks it.
BOOK: Massive dump: clear the bowels of your company today.
WHAT IT’S ABOUT: Beyond the Frisbee metaphor is the one about shitting people out and flushing them away.
BOOK: My Lambo just shit on your BMW.
WHAT IT’S ABOUT: This is just a picture book of a cartoonish Lamborghini defecating on a terrified BMW.
BOOK: The superior look.
WHAT IT’S ABOUT: How to just look superior to other people when you talk down to them.
In a cynical move to capitalize on the fading popularity of saying “deez nuts,” a source inside the Intergalactic Business Report revealed to me that IBR is making a move to flood social media with a phrase that will be more powerful and cause more people to believe we have reached the end of human potential.
The new term is simply, “mah ballzzz” referring to the speaker’s or writer’s testicles and said as a punchline to someone who is foolish enough to answer a question like, “You know what’s better than that?”
If you see something stating this phrase, or hear it anywhere, I advise you to immediately not listen and definitely don’t repeat it again and again because if you do, you may be under its spell for the next several months or years.
Stay tuned for further updates.
Former Contributor, the Intergalactic Business Report.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.