If you spend any time on the internet at all, you’ve encountered “memes,” and probably even looked at a few of them. These zany pictures with words on them were originally designed to make us laugh, think, or even give us boners. But recently, they have also become a propaganda tool used by foreign governments to joke their way into the hearts of American web addicts.
In recent months you may have seen memes generated by Chinese “humor bots,” which use sophisticated algorithms to create jokes and pictures that subtly ridicule American culture and issue subliminal messages about the value of the Chinese system of government and way of life.
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report exposes some of the more insidious memes that are dominating the internet. If you see any of these, beware not to fall for their charms.
You’ve heard mediums (or is it media?) talk about how they can connect with spirits who, apparently, are totally happy, forgiving, and love being dead. Rather than take their word for it, the Intergalactic Business Report decided to conjure and then interview an actual spirit to find out for ourselves what goes on in the netherworld.
Using some heavy nipple clamps and mescaline, we were able to make contact with a ghost named Ryan Orangestead, who left his human existence in 1985. Ryan gave us the goods on what spirits actually think and guess what? They hate mediums. The following is our totally true interview.
INTERVIEWER: How’s it going?
RYAN: I’m dead, so…
INTERVIEWER: Sorry. I forgot. I’m kind of out of it right now.
RYAN: Maybe you should loosen those nipple clamps.
INTERVIEWER: Should I? Or will I lose contact with you if I do?
RYAN: I don’t know. I guess keep them on.
INTERVIEWER: I think I need to ask you a couple questions before I pass out. First off, what’s it like to be dead?
RYAN: Well, it’s not as cool as everyone says. On those shows where mediums supposedly talk to us, they make it sound like we’re all happy about being here and that we forgive everyone.
INTERVIEWER: So you’re not happy?
RYAN: No. This sucks. I don’t even have a fucking body, man. I just sit here and kind of float around and watch people masturbate.
INTERVIEWER: You watch people masturbate?
RYAN: Yeah. Why do you use two hands anyway? I know it’s not because your dick is so big.
INTERVIEWER: Next question. Do you actually communicate with any mediums or is what we’re doing a better way of connecting?
RYAN: This is way better. The mediums sit there and act like we can’t actually talk or something. They say we’re showing them pictures and shit. It’s so stupid.
INTERVIEWER: So you don’t show them symbols and pictures and numbers?
RYAN: Most of the time I’m just screaming at them to listen to what I’m saying.
INTERVIEWER: And do they listen?
RYAN: No. They just start making shit up.
INTERVIEWER: Can you give me an example?
RYAN: Well, one time my wife, who’s still alive, was doing a reading.
INTERVIEWER: Did you try to talk to her through the medium?
RYAN: I tried. I was yelling in the medium’s ear.
INTERVIEWER: And did he hear you?
RYAN: If he did, he’s a total dick.
RYAN: Because he kept telling her that I wanted her to find love with someone else.
INTERVIEWER: And you didn’t?
RYAN: No! When you get over here, to this world, if your wife got remarried, then when she dies you become a goat and her new husband rides you around and humiliates you.
RYAN: Yeah, it sucks. It’s a sweet deal for the new husband though.
INTERVIEWER: I feel like I’m not understanding you right now. Did you say you turn into a goat?
RYAN: You should loosen those nipple clamps. You look like you’re going to pass out.
INTERVIEWER: But I don’t want to lose contact with you…
RYAN: Here’s the answer to the universe. You’re a booger.
INTERVIEWER: I’m a booger?
RYAN: Loosen those clamps.
(At this point in the interview, our medical staff loosened the nipple clamps on our interviewer and he immediately lost contact with Ryan. As an eerie side note, there is no record of a Ryan Orangestead dying anywhere in 1985.)
First ever interview with a Leprechaun in captivity. (We caught a leprechaun. Really. Here’s what he said.)
The first ever live Leprechaun was captured in February by the Intergalactic Business Report’s security team.* Caught in a field as he ran to his magic tree, we were able to apprehend him, tie him up, and question him in an editor’s apartment. You won’t believe what we learned.
INTERVIEWER: I’m going to come right out and say it. We got you. We totally got you.
LEPRECHAUN: (Sullenly) Yeah. Yeah, I guess you did. Can I leave now?
INTERVIEWER: No way. Not till you answer some questions.
LEPRECHAUN: And then I can leave?
INTERVIEWER: I guess?
LEPRECHAUN: Why did you say that like a question?
INTERVIEWER: The word Leprechaun. It’s kind of a stupid word.
LEPRECHAUN: Sure. I guess.
INTERVIEWER: You guess? You guess?
LEPRECHAUN: Can I go now?
INTERVIEWER: What do you have in your magic tree?
LEPRECHAUN: I told you. I don’t have a magic tree.
INTERVIEWER: Why don’t you just tell us?
LEPRECHAUN: (Angry, like he’s hiding something) Because I don’t have a fucking magic tree!
INTERVIEWER: Let the record show he said he has a magic tree.
LEPRECHAUN: What record? Who are you talking to? And I said I DON’T have a magic tree.
INTERVIEWER: Then why are you talking about it so much?
LEPRECHAUN: Listen… Just let me go. I’m not a leprechaun. I’m just a normal guy. That’s all. Just let me go.
INTERVIEWER: Oh, sure. We’ll just let you go.
LEPRECHAUN: You will?
LEPRECHAUN: Because I’m a leprechaun, right?
INTERVIEWER: Let the record show he just admitted he’s a leprechaun.
LEPRECHAUN: You’re sick. You’re really sick.
INTERVIEWER: Just tell me where the pot of gold is.
LEPRECHAUN: (Screams like a girl) I told you. I don’t have a fucking pot of gold. I’m not a leprechaun. My name is XXXXXXXX. I’m short. I’m just short.
INTERVIEWER: Then why were you running to your magic tree?
LEPRECHAUN: I was running from you. If anyone is reading this, I’m XXXXXXXX and I’m not a leprechaun. This guy is insane and he captured me while I was mowing my lawn.
INTERVIEWER: You know we’re going to X out your name when we print the article.
LEPRECHAUN: Yeah. I know.
INTERVIEWER: So just take me to the magic tree.
LEPRECHAUN: O.K. Fine. Let’s go.
(At this point in the interview, we were fooled by the leprechaun, who ran from us as soon as we got outside. We tried to apprehend him again but he kept yelling, “Get the fuck off of me” and people started looking at us like we were crazy or kidnappers or something. He got in an Uber and left us there, literally holding our dicks in our hands.)
*Our security team is anyone who feels more “secure” by drinking. A lot.