In a recent Intergalactic Business Report article, we warned you that space aliens were partnering with the Chinese. We also predicted that no news organization would investigate this claim and would, instead, sit on their squirrel-sized hands and wait for us to do all the work, which of course we did.
To do this, we turned to our own Cedric Bigglestone, who has consistently delivered stunning exposés on everything from the seedy history of the periodic table of the elements to the fact that gold is fake.
The following is his report:
I first learned about exposés when I began to expose myself to people in public parks. I was great at it, and it led me to my work at the Intergalactic Business Report. The people there allowed me to flourish and grow and understand how to not only expose myself but also others. Today I expose both the Chinese and their alien friends. This is how I did it.
PART ONE: I accidentally find a clue.
While sifting through a bin of toys at a children’s birthday party, I came across an odd box wrapped in gift wrapping. I tore through its paper armor to get to its core and found a space creature action figure. On it, in small letters, I noticed the words, “Made in China.”
Curious, I pocketed the item and left the house, stopping briefly to tell the owner that there was no Zordon in her house. When she asked if I meant “Radon” I nodded and fled, since I had thought I was hired to clear the house of the demon lord Zordon, and not whoever Radon was. Anyway, I’m getting off subject.
PART TWO: I examine the object more carefully.
Indeed, the “Made in China” markings definitely said, “Made in China.” So the question was, why would an alien toy be made in China? Why wouldn’t aliens make toys at a factory in outer space?
PART THREE: I eat Chinese food till I pass out.
In order to think like a Chinese person, I decided I needed to eat like one. I ordered food from a local restaurant with a Chinese name. Then I called back a few minutes later and changed my voice, and ordered more food. I did this several times till I had ordered about four hundred and seventy-nine dollars worth of Chinese food.
Back at my apartment, I began my death feast, consuming flavors both sweet and sour, and marinating my innards with Kung Pao something something. I ate so much that it felt as if General Tso himself had taken me from behind and gently thrust inside me, then pounded me hard for about twenty-three minutes. During this experience, I began to see visions of aliens shaking hands with Chinese government officials. After the hand-shaking, they exchanged plastic toys. Boo boo beep, said a nearby robot, though I still don’t know what he said, since I haven’t figured out robot language yet.
PART FOUR: I wake up with proof.
Sometime in the next 43 hours, I awoke in a mess of Chinese takeout containers and vomit. It was the first time in several months that I could produce a full erection without someone holding a loaded gun in my mouth. Did this mean I should eat more Chinese food?. Or did it mean I was coming out of a sort of vision quest, sweat lodge thing, that had finally let me see things through the eyes of a god?
I decided quickly that this meant I had been anointed as a superior creature and been given powers that I didn’t understand yet, but would discover as I challenged random opponents to fight in Target parking lots and raced against junior high school students—their scooters and bikes versus me and my supernatural legs.
PART FIVE: I solve the riddle.
That stuff about me being a god turned out to be false and I was arrested near a junior high and again at a Target parking lot.. Stuff is still pending in court, so I can’t talk about it.
Anyway… Maybe it was the physical exertion of chasing people or being chased myself, but at some point it hit me—the answer had been right in front of me all along. MADE IN CHINA. If you put those three words together they spell MADEINCHINA, which you could pronounce MAH-DEE-INN-CHEE-NAH. These were the exact words the robot in my dream was saying. Shit, actually, he was saying boo boo beep, which isn’t even close. Fuck! This is hard! Fuck this!
CONCLUSION: It’s clear the Chinese are in collusion with space aliens.
This is the conclusion.
Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
As we’ve done many times in the past, the Intergalactic Business Report investigates curious and mythical objects we find on the internet. Our task is simple. We identify an object, find it online, and then purchase and review it for you.
This week we bought a UFO space commander’s helmet, and this is what we found:
1. It’s hard to certify that the helmet belonged to an actual commander. Our team originally went looking for a simple UFO or space helmet, but some members were adamant we get one that belonged to a commander or general. This made things quite a bit harder, because it was difficult enough to find a UFO helmet, let alone one worn by a leader. We talked with several sellers around the world who would say things like, “Oh yeah, sure, this one was worn by a commander,” but we didn’t totally believe them. Finally, a contact named Albert convinced us that his was the real deal because he charged 25 grand more than the others. This, it seemed, was pretty good evidence that his helmet was more likely legit. We tried to ask him more about the origins and history of the piece, but he said some shit in Russian.
2. Aliens must have huge fucking heads. When we received the helmet, it was gigantic and we could almost fit two people’s heads inside. This led us to speculate that perhaps UFO space creatures shared the helmet, so we sent two team members out on the street to simulate a land battle with random civilians. The civilians easily won, as our interns could not coordinate their attacks or even really walk in a coherent direction while jammed inside the helmet, leaving them open for nut punches and depantsing, which left them humiliated and defeated. Also, we couldn’t get the helmet off them for maybe fourteen hours and at one point gave up and left them near some warm garbage while we regenerated at Taco Bell.
3. The UFO helmets are made in China, which means the Chinese are aligned with the aliens. This was perhaps our most shocking discovery, as we found tiny letters on the outside of the helmet saying it was made in China. This totally busts the Chinese for collusion with UFOs and we hope someone has the balls to fucking investigate, even though they probably won’t and it’ll be left to us, as usual…
4. The UFO helmet can easily fit an entire order of nachos but will tilt a little bit to the side if you set it on a couch while you’re eating. We recommend you kind of squeeze it between two people in order to keep it in place. Those two people would have to share the nachos and anyone else would probably need to ask their permission to have some.
5. If worn too long, the helmet will drive you insane. As we found out when our interns couldn’t get their heads out and spent the night in an alley and had their pants stolen. When we finally picked them up the next day, they had given in to madness, shouting crazy things to us like, “Where the fuck were you guys? I thought you said you were getting help?” and, “How were you at Taco Bell for fourteen hours?”
6. Conclusion: The UFO Space Commander’s helmet is probably real and can summon an alien armada if we can figure out how the buttons work. One button, when pushed, makes an alarm sound. Another makes a beeping noise. We feel strongly that if we can push these buttons in the correct order and combination, we will be able to call spaceships from around the universe who will be loyal to us and pretty much ask if we want them to take over the planet for us. Don’t worry. We’ll say no probably.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.