The dangers the Mongolian Death Worm pose are quickly growing more and more terrifying. In previous articles we have pointed out the outrageous horror that this creature brings to our planet, and how its super intelligence, stealth, and shitty attitude make it a predator unmatched in the history of the world.
Now the Mongolian Death Worm may be setting its sights on America. Here’s how:
1. Mongolian immigration is out of control. You may have noticed in recent years the proliferation of Yurts and Mongolian Barbeques as hordes of Mongols sweep into our nation.
2. It is a common (and deadly!) practice for these Mongols to keep death worms as pets, and they pack them in their suitcases when they come to America. Immigration officials often mistake the death worms as fleshy walking sticks or adult toys, as they stiffen on purpose to conceal themselves.
3. Many death worms have been trained to obey basic commands, but only in Mongolian. Do you know how to speak Mongolian? We’re going to guess the answer is “fuck no.” Too bad, because that’s your only slim chance of avoiding death when one of these slithers into your home.
4. Mongolian Death Worms hate America. Scientists have released new evidence that the Mongolian Death Worm exhibits extreme hate and distrust around most Americans. Although further studies are being conducted, early findings suggest that one reason may be that they despise us for our way of life and are envious of what we have.
By now you’ve probably heard about the Mongolian Death Worm, and if you haven’t you will likely be its next victim. The creature that some unscientific people continue to call “mythical” is native to the Gobi Desert and looks like a huge long sausage that burrows in the sand and appears when it is hungry to murder its prey (which could be you).
You’ve heard that it has no face, but then suddenly opens up into something that kind of resembles a mouth and then spews its venom all over you, which causes instant death. And you know that it also attacks camels and lays eggs inside their intestines, which eventually turns the camel red, like the worm, till it explodes and shoots baby death worms all over the place.
But, unbelievably, it gets even worse. More studies of the death worm have revealed five new facts that will horrify you.
1. The Mongolian Death Worm can play dead for hours and then suddenly spring to life. It does this to gain entrance to your house or garage. Mongol desert dwellers will see a death worm carcass and think it is a large sausage or piece of shit just lying there in the sand. When they poke at it, it doesn’t move. They then carry the beast into their house to either amuse their family (“Hey, look at this huge piece of shit I found in the desert!”) or to feed them (“Hey, look at this huge sausage I found in the desert!”). Then, when the family sleeps, the death worm springs to action, murdering them all with its venom.
2. The Mongolian Death Worm is adept at disguises. An old Mongolian woman once used one as a walking stick for three days before the worm turned on her and ate both her knee caps before some nearby camel riders pulled the beast away. Unfortunately, they were instantly killed and then the worm finished off the grandmother by wrapping itself around her neck and dragging her through a rock field.
3. The Mongolian Death Worm can emit a noise that sounds like one of your family members. In an attempt to lure its victims near its sand hole, a death worm can make noises that resemble members of your family. If you are walking around the desert, for instance, you may hear your wife calling you. “Chad! Can you help me with something?” When you go over to help your wife, the death worm appears behind you and bites through your Achilles tendons, leaving you helpless as other death worms gather to feast on your carcass.
4. The Mongolian Death Worm can make phone calls. Have you ever received a call that says “unknown number”? In Mongolia, it’s probably a death worm calling. If you answer and speak for a few seconds, the death worm can take down crucial information about where you live and be at your home in as long as it takes it to slither there.
5. The Mongolian Death Worm will mow your lawn. Death worms will show up in non-desert areas and eat the grass in such a way that it looks amazing. They also secrete a natural fertilizer that makes the lawn look similar to a golf green. This fools many homeowners into believing the Mongolian Death Worm is a helpful creature designed by god to make your place look better. In fact, the death worm is designed by the devil and will kill homeowners when they come to look at their beautiful new lawns. Usually, they shoot out of a small hole in the ground as someone admires the grass. Then they may actually enter people’s mouths and squirm inside them till the person explodes. Moral of the story if you live in Mongolia: Having a nice lawn is not worth it. Have a shit lawn and live instead.
Ever watch your kid play in a youth soccer game and think, “This ref really sucks”? You’re not crazy, because he actually does. The Intergalactic Business Report goes undercover to interview a referee who finally breaks his silence and tells you what’s really going on in ref world.
Below is an exclusive interview with “Jarod” a youth soccer referee* who has called almost two thousand matches**. What he reveals will make you act like even a bigger dickhead the next time you shout nonsense from the sidelines at nine-year-olds kicking a ball.
Interviewer: Let’s cut right to the chase. Is it true that you make bullshit calls on purpose?
Jarod: Yes. Totally.
Interviewer: And why is that?
Jarod: Mostly because I’m a total asshole and I enjoy having that kind of power over children.
Interviewer: So, for instance, you may call offsides even if it isn’t actually offsides?
Jarod: Yes, for sure. First, I’ll find the parent who looks like he’d probably die if he played soccer for two minutes. He’s usually the guy screaming stuff like: “Kick it! Talk!" and "Show for him!” When his kid goes after anything, I basically just blow the whistle for offsides.
Interviewer: So you’re doing that to make parents like him angry?
Jarod: I’m actually hoping to kill him by giving him a heart attack or stroke. I feel like I’m getting pretty close with a couple of these guys, so I just keep trying.
Interviewer: What about other bullshit calls?
Jarod: Sometimes, I’ll just take bribes from people. For example, I’ll sleep with soccer moms. In the best case scenario, some kid’s mom has sex with me and pays me for it.
Interviewer: And then you give her son’s team favorable calls?
Jarod: No, I make the same bullshit calls, but it’s funnier, because the mom is sitting there on the sidelines thinking, “I fucked that dude and paid him twenty-seven dollars and he just called Hunter offsides! What the fuck?”
Interviewer: Do all refs do this kind of stuff?
Jarod: We have conventions where we go over this shit.
Interviewer: If I slept with you right now and gave you twenty-seven dollars, would you make calls in favor of my daughter in tomorrow’s game?
Jarod: The price has gone up to twenty-nine dollars, but yes.
Interviewer: And I can trust you?
From here the interview became uncomfortable for the interviewer and everything that happened next is off the record. But yes, the interviewer had sex with Jarod and paid him $29 and some change because Jarod claimed that his referee’s whistle was broken during sex. Brittany, the interviewer’s daughter, came to the game the next day and there was a totally different referee there, who made complete bullshit calls all game.
*It’s possible that this guy was a youth referee. Anything is possible.
** This sounded like a good number, so we went with it.