Ever go on LinkedIn and see post after post of people saying how much they love their jobs?
A deep dive scientific/sociological study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report has uncovered the truth behind the fake satisfaction conveyed by LinkedIn users who praise their jobs, bosses, and companies. We break it down for you below:
HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: “They say if you find a job you love, you’ll never work another day in your life. I found that job three and a half years ago at Total Sales and every day has been an adventure.”
ACTUAL MEANING: “Three and a half years ago I was a whole person who valued life and felt positive about the future and humankind in general. Total Sales destroyed that optimistic person and replaced her with a cynical, shrewish woman, who wears too much makeup and sleeps with bartenders at Applebee’s.”
HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: “Just wanted to take a minute to thank everyone at Aerotech for letting me live my passions every day. I love this job and I love my co-workers!”
ACTUAL MEANING: “My ‘passions’ are to leave this fucking job and probably take a dump that overflows the toilet on my way out. If anyone is reading this, please contact me and offer me another job. It can be anything. Really. Anything. Including sucking dick at a trailer by the docks. I’m serious.”
HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: “What I love about Cersius Inc. is that they give me challenges that make me a better person and employee. I highly recommend this company to anyone who wants to do more and be more.”
ACTUAL MEANING: “If you show up for an interview at this place I will Bruce Willis in Die Hard shoot at your car to get your attention so that you can grow a fucking brain and not come inside.”
HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: “A shout out to all my colleagues who absolutely killed it this year as we surpassed our quarterly goal! I love you guys!”
ACTUAL MEANING: “The quarterly goal was that Randy fucking Hampstanner, our fucking Vice President for Sales, wouldn’t show up drunk to work every single day and try to grab my balls and beg, ‘Come on, Vick, just a touch…’ Instead, Randy died of cirrhosis and probably some other things. So he wasn’t here at all and I consider that surpassing our goal. Oh, and I fucking hate you guys.”
HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: “I came to the Boswell Group seven years ago because I needed a job. What I didn’t realize was that I’d be working with people who would become my family.”
ACTUAL MEANING: “After taking this job seven years ago I was forced to marry my boss, Jack Boswell, in a ceremony that can only be described as Texas Chainsaw Massacre meets the Deer Hunter as I was forced to play Russian roulette at my ‘bachelorette party,’ which was basically me playing Russian roulette while my new ‘cousins’ tried on human skin masks. I’m currently kept in the basement and let out to cook dinner and do the books for the Boswell Group. I think this is a cult or something.”
HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: “Someone asked me yesterday why I work at Zerostate. My answer was simple: Because you can grow here and develop not only as an employee, but as a human being.”
ACTUAL MEANING: “I have technically grown as a human being because Zerostate bullied me into getting penis enhancement surgery, saying if I ever want to be upper management, then I need a ‘huge schlong.’ I found out later that this was a ‘prank’ and that their health insurance didn’t cover it either. Oh, and they convinced me to get the kind of dick that’s so big you can’t even use it really.”
HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: “After 35 years at Amazing Events I am announcing my retirement. I can’t believe all the memories I’m leaving behind. Thank you to the whole team! I’ll miss you!”
ACTUAL MEANING: “For the first ten years I worked kind of hard. For the next 25 I just made you all feel sorry for me and say, ‘We can’t fire Don. He’s been here for ten/fifteen/twenty/twenty-five years… You get it. Fuck all of you. I fucking hate you. Suck my balls.”
You have hands and fingers and you touch things. Until recently, that was never a problem, but today the Intergalactic Business Report reveals a ground-breaking scientific study in which we took everyday objects and analyzed them for their level of grossness.
Before you touch anything else, read this.
THING YOU TOUCH: Television remote control.
GROSSNESS LEVEL: Equivalent of putting your entire hand inside your butt and waiting for a half hour before pulling it back out.
THING YOU TOUCH:Car steering wheel.
GROSSNESS LEVEL: This is like fondling a carney who’s been working all day at the ring toss.
THING YOU TOUCH: Other people’s hands.
GROSSNESS LEVEL: You may as well just skip the handshake and go lick their balls. But only if they dragged their balls across a prison bathroom floor first.
THING YOU TOUCH: Video game controllers.
GROSSNESS LEVEL: If you touch one of these it's the same as cleaning a state fair portajohn with no gloves and no cleaning solution and, instead, just improvising.
THING YOU TOUCH: Fruit.
GROSSNESS LEVEL: Even if you wash fruit, you need to understand that each piece has been touched, handled, groped, and maybe even penetrated and then sealed by people from all over the world. If your fruit passed through Japan, it’s almost 100% likely it was used in a fruit sex show before it got to your grocery store.
THING YOU TOUCH: Gas pumps.
GROSSNESS LEVEL: These futuristic-looking robot guns are not as cool as they seem, because they are often used as butt probes by gas station employees during their off hours and on the late shift.
THING YOU TOUCH: Your mobile phone.
GROSSNESS LEVEL: New scientific evidence proves that your phone is also a breeding ground for microscopic “feces insects” that literally shit on your fingers as you type and click and search for “fart noise” apps.
As a science-based publication, the Intergalactic Business Report usually doesn’t delve into the supernatural, unless it has to do with buying ancient mythical artifacts from the internet, interviewing the devil, or capturing leprechauns.
But a new reader survey has revealed some exciting and unsettling things about the power of reading IBR. While some feel our articles deplete their life energy, others* are reporting magical effects from reading our work.
Below we have compiled a sample of insights from our readers. Read them and then read us. You may be in for a massive life change.
“After reading IBR I feel like I can get any woman I want.”
“IBR’s given me the power to see the color of people’s souls.”
“I was bad at math. Now my teacher says I’m a genius. Must be IBR.”
“I used to lick things and get sick. Now I lick things and get incredibly sick.”
“I always wanted to be a superhero. The kind that can fly. After reading the Intergalactic Business Report, I think I’m going to try it.”
“The part of my brain that warns me of danger has been turned off after reading the Intergalactic Business Report. Now I’m free to do whatever I want with no worries.”
“When I bounce on a trampoline, I feel like I’m levitating for a second. I don’t think I would have had that without IBR.”
“Thanks to the fitness tips I learned through the Intergalactic Business Report, I can finally felate myself. Now I’m never leaving my house. Thanks, IBR.”
“Sometimes I’ll read an IBR article and suddenly feel like I have the strength of ten men. Although I have no martial arts training, that strength is going to carry me to victory tonight when I challenge Sergei “Deathmaster” Andropov to an impromptu fight in the parking lot outside the UFC gym.”
“I think my face has changed after reading the Intergalactic Business Report. When I stare in the mirror, my nose is bigger. I think that’s good?”
“I opened my freezer today and like a million dollars fell out. Thanks, IBR.”
“My penis has grown two inches since I got an erection.”
*Although we did not formally receive any of these testimonials, and although we did not have an actual, formal reader survey, we feel these quotes are representative of what most IBR readers would tell us had we asked them.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.