The Intergalactic Business Report has always been first to tell you about deadly creatures who threaten your lives. Just think back to the Mongolian Death Worm and the ongoing terror it brings the world.
But, just like after you’ve watched the same shit on t.v. for so long that you just decide to change the channel, we are moving on to a new creature we’ve seen slithering through America and which is poised to take over your yard, your home, and maybe your body.
“Genetomorph” is the name we’ve given this monster, because it is scientific-sounding and has to do with changing shapes and genetics, which may or may not have to do with what this beast is all about. What we do know is that it was probably designed in a lab and is now on the loose, and you need to get your shit together now or face certain death.
Luckily for you, we’ve outlined seven precautions you can take today that limit your chances of having your life instantly ended.
1. Stay drunk. The power of the Genetomorph grows as it consumes victims and takes in their intelligence, physical strength, and creativity. The Genetomorph is confused by drunk people because they make no sense. With its scientific, logical (but ruthless and evil) mind, the Genetomorph seeks humans who make rational decisions, such as walk to their car in a parking lot, or eat dinner at six p.m. Drunks, on the other hand, may decide to run somewhere instead of drive, because some other drunk bet him he couldn’t make it across town in under twenty minutes, or eat at four o’clock a.m. The Genetomorph hates that.
2. Drive a Nissan or Xfiniti. The Genetomorph is terrified of herpes and other sexual diseases, so it will “steer” clear of anyone in a Nissan or Xfiniti, because they most likely have an STD. Probably one on their mouth.
3. Use portajohns to relieve yourself. Portable toilets are so nasty and morally disgusting that even a creature dedicated to sucking the life out of humans and destroying our planet finds them too gross to enter or even be near. Count on a several mile radius of Genetomorph-free area around any of these.
4. Drink Michelob ultra-light beer. This crappy, watery beer is like poison to the Genetomorph whose palate craves virtually anything else. Even water with actual piss in it.
5. Say confusing shit inside your head. Make it really hard for the Genetomorph to meld with your mind by constantly thinking the craziest shit you can. For instance, think the word “clown.” Then picture yourself riding a raccoon. Then think, “Boobie.” And so on.
6. Test to see if others have been taken over by a Genetomorph by de-pantsing them. If you pull down the pants of a person whose been taken over by a Genetomorph, they’ll just freeze and then slowly pull their pants up. If the person is Genetomorph free, they’ll say, “What the fuck are you doing?” and hit you.
7. Act like you’re a super big deal and that everyone around you is a piece of shit by comparison. This one usually works well too because even Genetomorphs won’t be able to stand being in your douchey body. To be safe, buy a Tesla too.
By now, most of us have heard of alternative universes—those places that mirror our own world, but are slightly different and exist in another plane of reality. Sound like nerd talk? It definitely is, but the Intergalactic Business Report studied the subject more deeply and found several of them using a still-developing technology that allows people to visit and view them briefly.
In our research, we uncovered many interesting alternative universes, but one of the most fascinating was one where it was Christmas every day. Below, we show the main differences between the reality of our world and what we are calling “Christmas world.”
OUR WORLD: Is the way it is because it just is.
CHRISTMAS WORLD: Several years ago, a guy wished it could be Christmas every day and it actually worked.
OUR WORLD: We spend tons of money on Christmas presents, are disappointed by December 26, and then have huge credit card bills we can’t pay.
CHRISTMAS WORLD: Since Christmas is every day, you’re expected to give gifts to everyone every day. It’s just unaffordable. And since you have to give Christmas presents every day they started keeping stores open on Christmas so you can actually buy more presents. So you’re either working Christmas, shopping on Christmas, or both.
OUR WORLD: After the Christmas depression wears off, you sink into the rest of Winter and look forward to Spring.
CHRISTMAS WORLD: Spring is Christmas. So is Summer. And Fall. It totally sucks.
OUR WORLD: You see some of your most annoying relatives on Christmas, but it’s only for one day.
CHRISTMAS WORLD: Your most annoying relatives live with you now, because they need to be there tomorrow (and today) for Christmas.
OUR WORLD: Children love Christmas and getting gifts.
CHRISTMAS WORLD: Children hate Christmas because they need to share a room with Uncle Randy and their weird cousins. Also, the gifts have gone from Xbox games to old toothbrushes your dad found somewhere.
OUR WORLD: People sing Christmas carols and listen to holiday music.
CHRISTMAS WORLD: They tried doing that for a while but it eventually led to people shooting Christmas Carolers and burning down “all Christmas all the time” radio stations.
OUR WORLD: Our economy and job markets go up and down.
CHRISTMAS WORLD: The “economy” is people who work retail and people who have the day off forever but can’t afford to shop retail.
OUR WORLD: The mall Santa Claus asks your kids what they want for Christmas.
CHRISTMAS WORLD: Guys dressed up like Santa shoot each other in the streets.*
OUR WORLD: Your mom is having sex with a guy named Randy and people tell you about it in detail and you try not to believe them except you see Randy’s truck leaving your mom’s driveway every time you go to see her.
CHRISTMAS WORLD: Exactly the same, except it’s every day.
*We saw this happening a lot and don't quite understand why.
If you’ve ever gone to a Broadway musical, you may have had the creeping feeling that you can’t enjoy it the way the other people in the audience are. You think to yourself, “These songs really suck. And this is super long. So long that it’s almost like they made it that way to fuck with me and make me miserable.” The good news is that your intuition is correct. Musicals are designed to torture us. The bad news is that someone very soon is going to convince you to go to another one.
If you’re a regular reader of the Intergalactic Business Report, you know we are the only publication in the world that will actually tackle a subject like this. Too many people are afraid to simply say that “Hamilton” was like having your math teacher sing a history book to you. But we will.
Very recently, the Intergalactic Business Report interviewed a top Broadway Musical insider we named “Marvin,” who revealed to us what really is behind the sing-songy productions that have had their way with us for so many years. You simply will not believe the truth.
INTERVIEWER: You’ve been involved with a lot of musicals in your career?
MARVIN: Yes, lots of them.
INTERVIEWER: So, can you explain why they all suck so hard?
MARVIN: Well, to begin, they’re designed to suck hard. Very hard. A long time ago, some Vaudeville performers were very upset with the wealthy people they played in front of every night. So a few of them started writing these long, boring, “musicals” and convinced all those rich people that they had to see them or they’d be left out of something big.
INTERVIEWER: Left out?
MARVIN: Yes, it was a trick. They’d get one person to tell somebody’s wife that this new “musical,” as they started calling them, was a huge cultural event and that if you saw it, you could tell all your friends who hadn’t seen it how great it was and that they really needed to see it.
INTERVIEWER: And then their friends would go see it too?
MARVIN: Yes. And they’d all be totally miserable and have to sit there for three hours and watch the actors talk-sing.
MARVIN: It’s something they invented where instead of just saying something, the actor would sing it.
INTERVIEWER: Which would make the words more interesting or something?
MARVIN: Actually it would make the words more annoying to hear and people would think, “Why is he singing that when he could just say it?”
INTERVIEWER: Fascinating. So they made all these musicals just to seek revenge on rich people?
MARVIN: At first, but then they just decided to take revenge on everyone. New generations of musical theatre people kept writing more and more crappy musicals that reached broader and broader audiences. Their goal today is to see if they can force as many people as possible to sit through their boring and mind-numbing displays of dreck.
INTERVIEWER: How do they keep getting people to go to these shows?
MARVIN: People’s wives have a lot to do with it. They start out convinced that the musicals are really worth seeing, and when they get there they realize they’ve been led into a trap of watching crappy actors dance and sing bad songs for hours while they have to sit there. That’s when their husbands look over and ask if they can leave at intermission. Which of course causes the wives to double down and say this is the greatest thing they’ve ever seen in their lives.
INTERVIEWER: And then an endless cycle of forcing their husbands to go to musicals begins?
INTERVIEWER: It’s so insidious. So, everyone in the audience hates what they’re seeing?
MARVIN: Pretty much.
INTERVIEWER: What about gay men? They always talk about how much they love show tunes and musicals.
MARVIN: They’ve been in on it for years. They’re just messing with straight people.
INTERVIEWER: That’s horrifying. So how do you explain “Hamilton”? Everyone raves about it, but it’s actually just a guy turning a history book into a really lame rap song.
MARVIN: That’s right. People have convinced themselves that Hamilton is amazing because a guy in it is rapping.
INTERVIEWER: I remember when I was a kid, the weather man rapped his report one time.
MARVIN: Right. Something like, “I’m the weather guy and I’m here to say…”
INTERVIEWER: “Cloudy skies followed by some rain today.”
MARVIN: That was like 1983, right?
INTERVIEWER: Eighty-two or Eighty-three, yes.
MARVIN: And people are excited that someone’s rapping in a musical in 2018. It makes no sense.
INTERVIEWER: So it’s like they were trying to get people to act like rapping is this new, cool thing, even though it’s from like forty years ago and totally overdone?
MARVIN: Yes, it enhances the creators’ pleasure to see people go nuts over that.
INTERVIEWER: Wow. O.K. Last question. I feel like there’s always one song in every musical that I kind of like.
MARVIN: Right, but it’s not a song you’d listen to unless you were forced to go to the musical.
INTERVIEWER: Exactly. It’s kind of good, but it’s not. It’s bearable. Like it doesn’t drive me totally crazy and make me angry to hear it like the other songs.
MARVIN: They do that to hook you in so that you feel semi-good for a few moments till they start sing-talking and everything.
INTERVIEWER: It’s just so ghastly. All of it.
INTERVIEWER: Yeah. Fuck you, I guess?
MARVIN: Sure. I accept that.
INTERVIEWER: Thanks for talking with us. I wish you no luck in the future.
MARVIN: You’re welcome.
The Intergalactic Business Report is pretty open when it comes to sex, but there are certain things we just can’t condone and want to eliminate even in the privacy of your own bedroom where we have no right to give a shit about what you’re doing.*
Still, we heard that many oppressive regimes were totally cool with banning sex acts so we lobbied them to ban the stuff that bothered us most. Many creepy dictatorships were more than willing to implement our wishes, even though they often didn’t even understand what we were talking about. They were like, “Sex ban? Sure.” And then they just wrote a law. Anyway, starting soon, the following will be banned in these nations:
BAN: Eye contact with John Stamos posters during sex.**
COUNTRY: UNITED ARAB EMIRATES.
BAN: Moans that start with the “e” sound, like EEEEEGH and EEEEEEEEEEE!
BAN: Having Lego people in the room during sex.
BAN: Saying, “good job” to your partner during or after sex.***
BAN: Pretending there is another person, who’s invisible, in the room with you and you’re having sex with him/her too.
BAN: Anything having to do with Nutella.
BAN: Sounding like the Hawaiian Punch guy.
BAN: Saying the word, “biscuit” in any context.
BAN: Referring to sex as “jamming.”
BAN: Referring to anything as “jamming” or as something being “your jam.”
COUNTRY: CENTRAL AFRICAN REPUBLIC.
BAN: Wearing a backpack.
*Unless you’ve allowed us to install a web camera because you’re into that stuff.
**Also with Tony Danza posters (because he’s considered a demon in Tajikistan), although who has one of those? Mark this under, “just in case.”
*** There’s just something creepy about it.
Heavily betting on the fact that nobody will read this, the Intergalactic Business Report is making rapid movements towards contacting a tribe that has been classified as “uncontacted.”
By press time, we will know what happened in our dealings with the Ampermutha, the name we have given the tribe since we don’t understand their language and decided to choose something that sounded tribal and nativey but also had the root word “amp” in it.
Every world organization that protects the rights of “uncontacted” tribes has chosen to not issue us a specific warning or request to not enter Ampermutha land, but we will in ten minutes (which is probably going to mean three or four days ago, using your time). For the safety of our interns who have been sent in on this quest, we are not disclosing the location of the Ampermutha or the names of our interns.
Having said all this, we lay out below the background for this scientific quest that will bring new understanding among cultures and finally bridge the limits of history with the promise of hope.*
1. Jodi Fisch and Danny Severn won the intern contest to travel to visit the Ampermutha people. The contest consisted of them being called into an office and asked to guess a number between one and one hundred. Even though neither of them came close to guessing the number 69, they were both given the assignment.
2. Because we didn’t want to be detected by international agencies or foreign governments, we asked our interns to charge everything to their own credit cards, because this would make them look more like tourists and not part of one of the greatest information seeking organizations on the planet.
3. We heard from locals that the Ampermutha would probably try to kill anyone who entered their land and that they were known for bizarre rituals involving cannibalism and bodily mutilation. Jod and Danny were warned about this in a way we found effective to their mission.** They proceeded with courage.
4. Jodi and Danny entered the jungle at 5:38 a.m. local time and took with them several enormous bags containing Gatorade; portable Nintendo devices; porn; electronic devices to show the porn on; a projector to project porn onto the side of one of their huts; and several Whatchmacallit bars.
5. Intergalactic Business Report editors who had accompanied the interns to the outskirts of the jungle then hiked back several meters and found a taxi, which took them several hundred miles away to a bar at which they set up camp and waited to hear back from Jodi and Danny. The four hours spent there were tense, with drinks flowing constantly, as part of our “tourist cover.” Jodi’s parent’s American Express card was used to run the tab and to protect our identities.
6. That evening, our editors had still not heard anything from Jodi and Danny. One of the problems had to do with a lack of communications tools and devices, such as cellular phones or even crappy walkie talkies, which were not given to the interns because one of the editors came up with the idea that such things might frighten the Ampermutha and make them think that Jodi and Danny were some kind of demons.
7. An excruciating late night decision was made by our editors to call it a night and get some sleep at the inn to which the bar was attached.
8. The next morning, a loud banging was heard on one of the editor’s hotel room doors. When he opened it, he was shocked to see Jodi and Danny standing before him. They seemed distraught and traumatized.
9. Because it was early morning and there had been so much drinking as part of our cover, the editors made the call to sleep for a few more hours before debriefing with Jodi and Danny. To communicate this to them, an editor slammed his door and shouted something about letting him fucking sleep because he was up all night drinking and worrying about their mission.
10. Several hours later, the editors regrouped with the interns at the hotel bar. A suggestion was made that everyone minus the interns start drinking again but one of the interns was such a dick about it that our editors had to tell the waiter to hold on for a few minutes.
11. Danny angrily and disrespectfully explained that they were dropped off not in the jungle, but in a really shitty neighborhood of some town. All their goods were stolen by “natives” but not the kind that are in uncontacted tribes.
12. Needless to say, the editors were pissed that the interns lost all their shit and made the excruciating decision to charge Jodi’s mom’s Amex to replace everything.
13. Jodi threatened to call the U.S. Embassy for some reason and Danny tried to act all tough like he was going to fight the editors or something. Luckily, cooler heads prevailed when the interns were told that their passports were hidden somewhere and if they didn’t straighten up, they would be burned and some other stuff too that the editors can’t remember now because they started drinking again.
14. Great news came the next day when a local store opened and the team was able to gather new gifts of porn, candy bars, and sports drinks for the Ampermutha.
15. A different entrance to the jungle was located, even though the interns complained that it was actually just a public park and that the editors were lying again, but then we saw a man in the distance who looked like an uncontacted tribe member.***
16. The interns were sent towards him and disappeared soon after into the jungle.**** Stay tuned to find out what happens, but we are fairly certain that our next report will involve one of the greatest anthropological discoveries in the last ten thousand years.
17. As we sign off, the editors are opening some beers in celebration of what will come next. We plan to retreat to the hotel bar and await news from Jodi and Danny.
*That sounds like it means something.
**Telling Jodi and Danny about the cannibalism and murder would have been a morale killer, so we left that stuff out.
****It was far enough away that it could have been the jungle.