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Not since Mussolini Mouse hocked cars for Lamborghini* has there been so much hatred for a mascot, character, or celebrity endorser. The Safelite Tik Tok bros featured in ad spots that seem to augur the end of civilization may be the most despised commercial figures of 2024. The pair of way-too-old-to-be-acting-this-way hipsters embark on road trips in which they revel in the idea of cracking their windshields so they can make Safelite employees uncomfortable as they film and pressure them into singing the company jingle.
The internet (because it’s like a person now) has stated that the duo “makes we want to die a little inside” as well as suggesting they “be used as human windshields.” As part of our service to the corporate world, the Intergalactic Business Report offers Safelite Auto Glass (for free) six new pairings to replace the bros. We firmly believe any of these will be a dramatic improvement: 1. Crack whores Deborah and Chastity. When two loveable crack whores have the windshield of their car/home kicked in by a murderous hobo, they must repair it or face death by either another hobo attack or the chill of winter. They call Safelite, but there’s no way they’re going to show up to a homeless encampment under a bridge until… Chastity offers to suck off the repair dude. 2. Feral dogs Alex and Luther. Alex and Luther spend their time roaming the countryside and feeding off garbage and road kill they find along the way until… Luther sees some teenagers who have run out of gas. Terrified by the hellish hounds, the youngsters hide in their car and must pretend they have a cracked windshield in order to lure the Safelite repairman to their site. When he arrives, they scamper into his pristine Safelite truck while Alex and Luther salute the teenagers for their offering to the dogs. Then they feast on the body of their newfound prey. (In case you don’t get it, the teenagers have “replaced” themselves with the Safelite repairman, thus “saving” themselves as well as a ton on money on gas.) 3. Hate bricks. The “hate bricks,” who have no names, are possessed by pure evil and cause anyone who touches them to be overcome by their power. First thing the hate bricks make you do? Throw them through people’s car windshields. The clever advertising trick here is that the hate bricks actually work for Safelite and this is how they drum up business. After their victims call Safelite, they usually pick up the bricks to remove them from the car and guess what? They too become possessed and start whipping them into other people’s windshields making massive profits for the company. (Note. This is only an ad idea. There are no such bricks in real life so you will have to figure out your own way to smash people’s windshields.) 4. Racial stereotype shapeshifter twins Terry and Gwen. These whacky twins can change their bodies but only to take the form of offensive racial stereotypes. When their windshield gets destroyed by a gale force wind, they call Safelite and hilariously offend the repair guy as he’s subjected to a veritable real life slideshow of insensitively dressed humans with exaggerated racial features. When it comes time to pay, they turn into an average looking white guy. Anyway, there's a lot of "replacement" themes you can use with this one. Have at it. 5. Jake and Mongo: Fartners for life. Jake and Mongo are two large farts that work together to destroy car windshields. Jake whistles in the wind as future Safelite customers drive on the highway. It’s like an eerie warning of things to come. The driver looks at the passenger as if to ask, “Did you hear that?” Then, out of nowhere, Mongo shatters the windshield with his enormous fart power. The car goes over a cliff as the flying glass makes it impossible for the driver to see. Just as it’s about to hit the ground, Mongo and Jake join forces to lift it back onto the road using their fart winds. Both driver and passenger are repelled by the stench, but thank Jake and Mongo for saving them. Then the Safelite repairman shows up and asks, “Who farted?” 6. Gary and Sancho: Two assholes driving a gravel truck. This is your “reality tv” option, where the people who are actually responsible for all windshield cracks show how they do it by overloading a crappy truck with gravel and taking it out on the highway to ruin everyone’s cars. Call these two guys Gary and Sancho and show them laughing as they wreck windows everywhere. Then, out of nowhere, comes a Safelite truck that pulls them over by forcing them off the road. The Safelite repair man steps out and shoots Gary. Sancho gets out and runs into a field where he is soon tracked down and executed. *O.K. We guess that was never a thing. Don’t sue us, Lambo.  Imagine these are Birddogs. When I first started seeing the ads for Birddogs pants, I was like, no way are these pants that great. But I really respected that they had mentally challenged actors in all their ads so I thought I’d give them a try. When the pants arrived, I was a little skeptical they would live up to all the hype, but I put them on anyway.
They slipped on as if I wasn’t even trying to wear them and I’ve had them on ever since. Instead of telling you why I like them, I thought I’d do the whole reverse thing where I tell you how much I hate them so you’ll be like, “What? He’s saying a bunch of good things about these pants. He doesn’t hate them at all. This is all just a fucking joke or something.” Anyway, here’s why I HATE my new Birddogs and why you shouldn’t buy them if you HATE the stuff I’m going to list below. Why I HATE my new Birddogs pants: 1. They fit too well! If you hate pants that fit you perfectly, you’re going to HATE these. 2. They make me look too good to women. I mean, I HATE that! Usually, women are nice to me because they think I live in a group home and sex is like a charity thing. Now I have to take them to dinner like I have a job. 3. They make my dick look bigger! I HATE that. People on the bus are all like, “Dude, you have a full-on raging boner.” And I’m like, “Nope, that’s just my new Birddogs pants.” Then I sit down next to them. 4. My new Birddogs pants tell me to do things that are super risky, where I get hurt sometimes. Like they’ll tell me to run into that intersection or try to strangle that dog over there. 5. They get me compliments! I’m SHY. I don’t like it when random people approach me and say, “Wow those pants look AWESOME on you.” And then they ask me what they look like when I take them off and put them on the floor of their apartment that’s just around the corner where they make the BEST margarita ever and I’ve gotta try it. 6. My Birddogs get me out of traffic tickets! I’m the kind of person if where I do something wrong, I want to pay the price—not use my magic pants to escape people who try to give me tickets for threatening prostitutes. If I messed up, I messed up. 7. When I put my new pants on, I feel like they’re alive and don’t want to come off me—ever. That’s a really fucked up feeling. I’ve been wearing these pants for seven weeks. 8. If you love going to the dry cleaner, you’ll HATE these pants, because you can just throw them in your washing machine at home—if the demon who possesses the pants ever lets you take them off, which he won’t, because that’s his thing. 9. I don’t like it when hot older women approach me and ask for my phone number. Mostly because ever since I started wearing these pants, these ladies appear to come through a portal and they’re from different time periods—like where they don’t speak our language and they want me to come back with them because I’m pretty sure it’s a human sacrifice thing and I made up the part about them wanting my phone number because they clearly have no idea what a phone is. 10. I feel like the pants aren’t really pants. And then I look down and notice I’m in the park and I’m not wearing them. At first I’m like why does the crotch area of these pants look like my nutsack, and then I’m like, wait, that is my nutsack. Ed Mountaineer likes Taco Bell and funnel cakes. His love/hate relationship with Birddogs pants has led to a number of office “incidents” that have put him on remote status. If you would like to reach Ed, please contact him at [email protected] In All-State insurance’s long running ad series, actor Dean Winters plays the personification of everything that could possibly go wrong in your life and why you should be insured just in case. The Intergalactic Business Report has always been a fan of these spots because we feel they warn us of a grim reality many of us are not willing to accept—namely that your smart house may go haywire and turn on your sprinkler system or that a college mascot might annihilate your automobile. After seeing the ad where “mahem” is a parking garage gate that’s “out of whack” and destroys your car, we thought of some other things you should insure against.
1. A clan of vermin learn to type and crawl into your home office, sending explicit texts and emails to your former Kindergarten students—and you just stopped teaching Kindergarten last year. “If you don’t bundle your home, life, and auto, you may be on the registered sex offender list.” 2. A voodoo priest decides to live in your basement. You don’t even know it because he has a spell where you’re down there watching t.v. and so is he but you don’t see him and just feel coldness like you’ve never felt before. But if you pay for All-State, they can cast a counter spell that reveals he’s living there and then at least it’s out in the open and maybe he’ll just leave on his own when he sees it’s not fun anymore? 3. Caveman bones surface in your backyard, and they reanimate to form living Neanderthals, who fuck up your lawn. You'll probably want to move after this and it’ll be super hard to sell your property after neighbors film the scene and post it all over the internet and your house becomes the focal point for a conspiracy theory about how radioactive waste buried in your yard brought ancient people back to life, but the insurance will cover the resodding. At least the first time it happens. After that, All-State raises your rates and you just let the cavemen trash everything while your neighbors film it and you’re like, Fuck it, maybe this radioactive waste will kill me and then reanimate me a thousand years from now too and me and the cavemen will just laugh about this. 4. Your butthole starts vacuuming up all your possessions. (The butthole is played by Dean Winters). 5. A pirate from another dimension where the pirates won, shows up in your garage and starts fucking things up. Now all those boxes of old porn are being picked up by the wind and landing in people’s lawns. Some people thank you. Some people start calling you the old perv on Cranberry Hill. They even write a song about it and it reaches number 17 on the Billboard Hot 100 (adult contemporary). 6. Your neighbor throws pumpkins at your house because he’s aiming at the vermin creeping up to your windows. This is terrible for your siding but All-State covers it and also pays to have the vermin removed from your house, but not before you’re listed as a sex offender (see above) and can never sell your house because it’s the one where the sex offender lives, and all the vermin were. 7. Your grandmother freaks out in your living room because a voice tells her if she destroys your house, the demons won’t ask her to kill again. “So get All-State and be better protected from Mayhem, like your grandmother losing her shit in your living room.” Note: Dean Winters has to work hard in this one to distinguish his grandmother from Norman Bates’ mom because there would be some kind of copyright infringement or something.  There are times in your life when you’re just watching t.v. and something happens that changes the way you look at life. That happened to me this morning when I saw a commercial for Legacy Box, a company that takes old videos and makes them new and not crappy and you can store them in your computer and put them on the internet instead of them being video tapes in your closet. Adam and Nick are the owners of the company (I guess?) and this is what they say in the ad: “Hi, I’m Nick.” “And I’m Adam.” “If you’re like us you have a box of old video tapes and photos just stacked in your closet.” “Worse, they’re degrading.” “The Legacy Box team saves these memories by professionally digitizing them on DVD, thumb drive, or the cloud.” Woah, I thought. These guys have been in my closet. And maybe they were there in 1989 when I did that sex video with that huge fucking camera that held a full VHS tape and hurt the fuck out of your shoulder. Whatever the case, these guys are cool—meaning they understand all about sex tapes from the 80’s and don’t judge or anything. In fact, not only do they not judge, they’re willing to do what it takes to revive those old videos so you can upload them to the internet in real time tonight. I assume they want a cut of the profits? Even though I don’t understand how you profit from uploading self-made porn from thirty years ago. I’m assuming there’s a ton of money in it somehow, otherwise Adam and Nick wouldn’t be so eager to get this done. No matter, because I may just find that old camera and do brand new self-made porn, probably with just myself since I have trouble finding people to do that stuff with, even if I pay them. Maybe Nick and Adam can help me out there! Ha ha. News flash! Just found my own version of “Faces of Death” that I filmed in 1985. Nobody dies, but I do put stuff in my butt. Guess I’m going to have to include that tape to send to my new bros, Nick and Adam. Woah, just discovered another gem. My nuts. On camera for like three hours. So weird. Why did I film my ball sack that long? Maybe I fell asleep with the camera on? Nick and Adam, you figure it out! A couple of these tapes have jizz or something all over them. I’m going to send those in with a note that says, “Nick and Adam. Can you guys fix this tape? It’s covered in seaman and lube.” I need to go now. There are a lot of old videos to look through that are going to become my “legacy,” right Nick and Adam? Thanks bros and I’m done writing now. Goodbye. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here. Allstate “Mayhem” ad warns against smart homes going haywire. Here’s what else to watch out for.2/26/2023 Allstate’s “Mayhem” ads warn us that if we don’t by their insurance, we may have a middle-aged man who looks like he just got the shit beat out of him ruin our property. At least that’s what we think the message is.
In one of their latest spots, Mayhem man shows us how our smart home may be in danger of glitching out and causing untold damage to our house and appliances. This taps into all of our most primal fears about our computerized homes breaking down and catching on fire, maiming us with our own garage door, and setting a sprinkler system off. This fear runs so deep, we believe, because so many of us live in homes controlled by our internet router and random robotic shit as if we are part of a Jetson’s episode. Below we list other highly probable insurance risks ordinary citizens should protect themselves against by paying for a home insurance policy from Allstate: New Allstate ad spot 1: Ghosts who have sex with your fruit while you sleep. Description: The mahem guy is wearing a sheet over himself with holes cut out for his eyes and mouth. He is in your kitchen railing a grapefruit, then throws it at a wall. He takes off the sheet and says, “I’m a ghost, and while you sleep I’m fucking all the fruit in your house.” Then he starts porking an orange. He has an orgasm and says something like, “So get All-State, and stop Mayhem, like me, from having relations with your produce.” New Allstate ad spot 2: Your roof turning into poop. Description: The mayhem guy is on your roof and sprinkling a magic powder all over it that turns it into monkey shit. He looks at the camera and says, “It’s a beautiful day and I’m your neighbor who decided to use magic dust to turn the roof over your head into pure primate kaka.” The roof collapses and the people inside are covered in feces. As they scream for help the mayhem guy stands outside their house and says: “So if you have cut rate insurance you won’t be protected from monkey shit avalanches caused by mayhem like me.” New Allstate ad spot 3: An alien star laser hits your house. Desription: “Mayhem” sits in a chair attached to a gigantic laser gun. The chair swings around and he releases a beam that goes off into space. He tells us: “I’m an alien warrior and I just shot a laser beam into space without knowing where it was going to go.” The laser beam hits your house, killing everyone instantly. Mayhem, dressed in a Martian costume walks by the ruins and says, “If you don’t bundle your home and auto insurance with Allstate, I may fucking kill your whole family.” The Intergalactic Business Report first signaled the end of modern advertising when we saw Gillette break the perimeter of polite society with an ad about pubic hair. This was followed by a NURX dude checking out his STD ridden penis before a Tinder date and a commercial about women openly taking dumps. Now Craig Robinson, of everything fame, shows up as your buddy who wants to know what you think his balls taste like.
Don’t get us wrong. We’ve been waiting for advertising to devolve into this for a very long time. If only Macgruff the Crime Dog could have threatened hookers for sexual favors and Mr. Whipple just squeezed women’s asses instead of toilet paper. Sigh… If only… This week, we re-imagine classic commercials that could have been so much better if only they had been given the latitude today’s admen receive. PRODUCT: Safelite. ORIGINAL COMMERCIAL: “My safelite story.” NEW COMMERCIAL: “What’s your Safelite safe word?” PRODUCT: Trix cereal. ORIGINAL COMMERCIAL: “Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids.” NEW COMMERCIAL: “Silly Rabbit, Tricks are for prostitutes.” PRODUCT: Claritin D. ORIGINAL COMMERCIAL: “Get more airflow.” NEW COMMERCIAL: “Take the Claritin D.” BONUS COMMERCIAL: “Can’t breathe? Take out the D.” PRODUCT: Pork. ORIGINAL COMMERCIAL: “Pork. The other white meat.” NEW COMMERCIAL: “Pork. It’s what I’m going to do to your butt.” PRODUCT: Beef. ORIGINAL COMMERCIAL: “Beef. It’s what’s for dinner.” NEW COMMERCIAL: “It’s what’s for dinner (meaning my penis is for dinner [meaning you will eat my penis (meaning you will suck my penis, not eat it because that’s a whole other thing)]). PRODUCT: Nature’s Bounty ORIGINAL COMMERCIAL: “Triple action.” NEW COMMERCIAL: “Nature’s Booty. Triple action.”  As a clown entertainer known for his custom-made suit that produces endless shit from its pockets, I never thought I’d be endorsing a different clothing brand that also claims to hold a suitcase worth of crap nobody really wants or needs.
For years, I’ve dazzled audiences with my ability to pull out ribbons, balloons, and smaller animals from the butt crack of my clown suit. Those oohs and ahhs fueled me to be the best in my business—that is, the niche category of clowns who pull shit out of their pockets. But when I saw an ad on t.v. for Scott e Vest, my whole world changed directions. Scott e Vest is a brand of jackets and pants that can hold sunglasses, a tablet, a bottle of water, a phone, and probably an Eastern European dildo collection if you wanted to put that in there too. When you wear a Scott e Vest, you don’t look like a clown. Instead, you look like a person who just shop-lifted the entire beauty and home health section from CVS. But if you walk super slowly, it almost looks normal. My wearing Scott e Vest is the equivalent of a mob boss going legit. I’m going to “get out” before I get “busted” as a clown. I’ll still have all my pockets but instead of being seen as a goofy, archaic, never really been funny entertainment relic from a time when people laughed at anything because there was zero to laugh about, I’ll be seen as that dude who’s wearing the jacket you can stuff 46 pounds of super heavy shit into. When you think about it though, everyone is really a clown. Especially anyone who actually read this far into this article. Whether you go out and wear all the makeup or just look like shit, you’re a clown at heart. And whether you wear a Scott e Vest or a ridiculous pocket outfit, you’re, in the end, just a clown. A sad sad clown. Anyway, get that Scott e Vest and stuff it with love this year. Love can be anything you want. It can be an onion loaf you swiped from an Outback Steakhouse. Or something else. I don’t really care. Just put some shit in that coat. And then walk around and try to look normal, like the guy in the Scott e Vest ad and me—two normal dudes, just walking around with 75 pounds of shit inside their clothes and looking normal. All the best, Pockets the Clown Intergalactic Business Report writer Ed Mountaineer went on a “deep dive” into the Metaverse being created by the company formerly known as Facebook. Today he delivers his review and it’s really really positive.
From Ed: Dear IBR readers: First up, I just want to say there’s a new thing called the Metaverse and it’s going to change everything. At least for me. Let’s start with some background. Facebook isn’t Facebook anymore because instead of being that thing where you post pictures and your mom likes them and then a fake Russian girl who’s not your mom wants to be your friend and you end up on a porn site and you give them your social security number and now they “own you” and tell you what to do and you keep thinking it’s going to end with them telling you to murder someone… Well, it’s not going to be that anymore, even though I’m assuming the Russians people are still going to be in charge of me. The Metaverse is a place where when kids walk through a museum, the pictures come to life and start dancing because everyone’s on an acid trip. At least that’s what it looks like to me from the Meta ad I saw. Anyway, my review of it is basically this: I love it. Let me explain why. First, I’m totally into dropping acid. That’s fine. I’m not sure yet how Facebook, uh, Meta, is going to deliver acid to school children whenever they enter museums, but I’m assuming they have a plan. Also, I’m assuming there is no age requirement for receiving drugs from them. Because if I enter a museum and they’re like, sorry, you’re not a kid, so we’re not going to give you acid, then fuck them and I’ve totally changed my mind about this review and will re-write it the opposite. Reason number two I love Meta is that I like to touch paintings in museums and this has gotten me into a lot of trouble with the people I call “art rats” who hang around in fake police uniforms and wait for you to touch stuff so they can freak out and get you “removed” from the building. I’m assuming now that Mark Zuckerberg started Meta it’s cool to just walk in and hump sculptures and whatever else I want to do and the art rats will all be eliminated by Mark’s elite security forces. I guess number three on my list is that I feel somehow Meta will allow me to finally suck my own dick. I don’t know how, but it seems like it would be the kind of thing where that would be possible. Maybe the animals train you to stretch differently because they’re able to lick their own crotches. Or maybe it’s another way like a fake virtual wizard zaps you and you’re like, “Fuck you, Wizard!” but then you look up and your dick is hovering in front of your face and you’re like, “Hold up. Thank you, Wizard!” However they do it I think they’ll get it done because this would be one of the first things any company would be figuring out since it’s obvious and it’s been confounding mankind since the beginning. Anyway, I’m done writing now. Goodbye. Ed Mountaineer is available to discuss your brand identity and he also DJs. He can be reached at [email protected]  In a recent commercial for LeafFilter, probable vampire-demon and company owner Matt Kaulig holds hostage-style interviews with homeowners on their lawns. Each “participant” looks wary of displeasing Matt, and answers in hopes of avoiding their dark lord’s just-beneath-the-surface, bubbling anger and his accompanying wrath.
As we watch these uncomfortable conversations and the death stare Kaulig focuses on his subjects, we can only imagine the actual, off-screen interviews that surely take place before filming even begins. These horrifying exchanges, in our imagination, are pre-requisites for the happy customers to be put on camera with the 4,000-year-old, all-powerful Kaulig. Here is our dramatization. VAMPIRE OVERLORD: I’m glad you two could join me. Please tell me what you love about LeafFilter. HAPPY CUSTOMER HUSBAND: Oh, LeafFilter is the best. It’s changed our lives. No more worries. About anything! HAPPY CUSTOMER WIFE: I couldn’t agree more! LeafFilter is the greatest invention of all time. By far. VAMPIRE OVERLORD: That’s mighty high praise for our product. Tell me, do you have any other thoughts about LeafFilter? I want to know more. HAPPY CUSTOMER HUSBAND: Uh. It’s great? HAPPY CUSTOMER WIFE: Yeah. Yeah, it’s so great. VAMPIRE OVERLORD: I guess it sounds like you’re just saying how great it is without providing a lot of details about how or why it’s so great. HAPPY CUSTOMER WIFE: Oh, no. I have lots of details. VAMPIRE OVERLORD: Please share them then. HAPPY CUSTOMER HUSBAND: I think LeafFilter should be in charge of our justice system! VAMPIRE OVERLORD: What? HAPPY CUSTOMER HUSBAND: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, like it should decide who’s guilty and not guilty. HAPPY CUSTOMER WIFE: And then mete out justice accordingly. VAMPIRE OVERLORD: You think a company that protects your gutters from leaf buildup should try people for criminal acts and then dispense punishments? HAPPY CUSTOMER WIFE: Yes. Yes. But not ones where they take it easy on anyone. HAPPY CUSTOMER HUSBAND: Right. The punishments would be harsh. Really harsh. Where you’d say, “Woah, that’s harsh, even for me,” but then you’d accept that LeafFilter is the ultimate authority on what the level of punishment should be and you don’t complain or anything and just kind of let it happen and don’t ever say anything to the real authorities. VAMPIRE OVERLORD (to his producer): Yeah, these two are good. Get them ready for the next spot.  It’s not secret that NURX commercials are a favorite of the Intergalactic Business Report. We respect their assertion that a couch can write prescriptions and we revere the endless fucked-up backstory possibilities of their commercial characters. Their new instant classic, “Get Back Out There,” features a veritable behind the scenes build up to the most horrible Tinder hookup ever, as two human red flags swipe right on each other and prepare for a date.
While the NURX ad may feature the first time we’ve ever seen a commercial where a guy opens his sweatpants and looks down with dismay at his diseased dick, a new spot by Garden of Life, entitled “Poopowerment” features a lot of women taking dumps. We’re assuming Chuck Berry directed. Since ad agencies have clearly just given up on innuendo or subtlety, the Intergalactic Business Report continues its effort to give them a final push towards the coming reality. Below we list six new taglines for products we need to stop pretending aren’t gross or weird. DULCOLAX STOOL SOFTNER. CURRENT TAGLINE: “Ease into constipation relief.” UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Shitting me softly.” MANSCAPED. CURRENT TAGLINE: “Below the belt trimming.” UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Get your balls ready for with-the-lights-on heavy scrutiny of your genitals sex with people who are going to judge your dick because this is all they have.” DOORDASH. CURRENT TAGLINE: “Restaurants and more, delivered to your door.” UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Some guy just touched your food. Here.” SUMMER’S EVE DOUCHE PRODUCTS. CURRENT TAGLINE: “Will leave you feeling clean and fresh.” UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Remove that natural stank coming out of your vagina and make it smell like this instead.” DENNY’S. CURRENT TAGLINE: “We love to feed people.” UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Drunk people take shits in our bathroom and then leave without paying.” JEFF TANNER.* CURRENT TAGLINE: “Hi, my name is Jeff. I just thought I’d come over here and say hi.” UPCOMING TAGLINE: “Hard to say which will be more disappointing about having sex with me: The micro penis or the diseases I give you.” *Not technically a company. Just a dude. Maybe don’t sleep with him if he approaches you in a bar. |
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