 In a bold play to appeal to the own-brother-jerkoff market, mega distillery Diageo has co-branded with HBO Max’s “White Lotus” in a series of ads featuring Patrick Schwarzenegger, tending bar and drinking cocktails. While the two liquors probably should never be mixed, Ketel One and Tanqueray are like two brothers jerking each other off. That’s an analogy. More committed to brotherly love than the city of Philadelphia, Diageo and White Lotus have put their hands on the throbbing new market of incest dudes, which is growing rapidly the more they touch it. We don’t usually do this, but, in a turn of corporate charity, the Intergalactic Business Report has mocked up a series of ads for the company to use free of charge. We feel these truly capture the essence of what you’re trying to say in a subtler tone that reaches your demographic in an elegant and sophisticated way. These are yours now. Take good care of them. You’re welcome.         16 new unbelievable benefits from United Airlines for MileagePlus members and credit card holders.3/30/2025  United Airlines announced awesome new benefits to its cardholders and MileagePlus members including raising the cost of yearly fees, limiting the amount of guests you can take to their lounges, and, as if that weren’t great enough, adding more restrictions to reach elite status. United customers are surely mesmerized with misplaced sexual energy towards a company that gives as much as that guy you dated who told you lasting 30 seconds and having a micropenis is normal. Not since “Love is Hate,” and “Arbeit macht Frei” has any institution articulated its value proposition better.
Instead of doing the boring old thing where they say they’re sorry or give some made-up business reason for increasing prices and limiting benefits, United went all out in boldly telling its credit card supplicants that getting a discount for Instacart will make up for all the reasons they got a United card in the first place. We salute United’s daring stance and suggest some new ideas we hope will be offered in the next phase of conquering consumers’ hearts and minds. New United Airlines benefits for MileagePlus and United credit card holders: 1. You get to use any public porta-john anywhere in the world for FREE. Just show your United credit card. Or don’t. 2. There is no charge for natural wind you may feel on your face (until January 2026). This excludes air you may feel from that thing that blows on you during flights. That is now a premium feature. 3. Your miles may now be calculated by a calculator. MileagePlus customers are encouraged to press all the buttons and challenge their minds to figure out how using miles works. Please contact us if you discover the secret. We are very interested in knowing. 4. All public restrooms worldwide including porta-johns (see above) are now free. 5. The usual greeting by our flight attendants when you board will be enhanced slightly from “Hi,” to a full “Hello.” 6. The United Club Lounge will offer a full-time severely ill man to cough on you. This replaces the part-time Ebola patients employed currently. 7. You get to KEEP your bags after your flight! Sometimes. Restrictions apply. 8. We made our in-flight bathrooms even SMALLER so that children find them less intimidating and so that YOU can pretend you are a tiny Filipino man or dwarf who’s using an in-flight bathroom. 9. Access to the mile high club is now limited to (see above) small Filipino men and dwarves. 10. We’re investing in passport holders for our pilots, so they don’t have to turn planes around. 11. United Club Lounges will feature several more hot and cold selections that will challenge you to play “food poisoning roulette” before getting on your flight. 12. Credit card holders receive a free Redbox membership. 13. Our new partnership with 23 and Me gives you free access to other people’s genomes. 14. We will pay for your Tubi subscription. 15. Your limbs will be counted as guests in our United Lounge. You may only bring one guest into the club. 16. All customers who signed up for a credit card or are MileagePlus members will have a coupon for a free bottle of Astroglide Lubricant to ease the pain and make this more enjoyable for both of us.  Why didn't we see more Squatty Potty ads of cavemen taking dumps? Super Bowl Monday has been famously called, “the day we talk about teams we never cared about before yesterday and commercials from companies so rich they spend a zillion dollars on ad time, celebrities, and special effects, but still need our money.” Probably Mark Twain. Maybe there was also something about being hungover at work because you drank 13 shitty beers and wiped wing sauce off on your pants by accident. Not that the wing sauce would make you hungover, but you get it.
As we dig into this day of scattered emotions, misdirected anger, and regret, let us also recognize that many teams sat home and did not play. And that many commercials did as well. Today, the Intergalactic Business Report honors those ads that did not make the cut—either because they were too controversial, cost too much money, or simply didn’t exist. While the actual advertisements were never made, we did discover the working titles that, we feel, pretty much tell the story. Cicis Pizza. “Somebody did something to the food. But we fired him. It’s safe to eat here now.” Viking Cruises. “Old person three ways happen here.” Mercedes. “So great at what we do you’re lucky Hitler didn’t use us more.” Cheetos. “See how many of these I can stuff in my fat mouth.” Jeep. “Rugged. Like a bunch of dudes with mustaches having sex with each other.” Taco John’s. “We took a shit in your taco, and it still tastes like maybe we didn’t.” Squatty Potty. “What the fuck are we even doing?” Secondary title: “How did it get to this?” America’s Pharmaceutical Companies. “Our sacred pledge: Gazillions of dollars in research to fight toenail fungus, curved boners, and disobedient old people.” Lume Deodorant. “Showing you nasty feet and alluding to your taint. It's like a fetish we have.”  Just like the cool Apple AI ads where dumb people trick their bosses and coworkers into thinking they’re competent, the Intergalactic Business Report’s own AI model, Chat IBR* works overtime to correct interoffice emails and documents we’ve sent and make them sound more professional. Below, we show you the before and after, and you may be astounded by the results.
DOCUMENT ONE (ORIGINAL) Let’s start with a typical note you may send to an employee on her first week of work: Hi Lacy, I hope everything is going well your first week in the office. Please let me know if I can answer any questions or be of assistance. I also wanted to check in with you about the data report to see how it’s going. Just reach out if there’s anything I can do to help. Have a great week! Sincerely, Buck Sorenson Now, let’s run this through CHAT IBR to see how a boring work note can be transformed into an exciting invitation to change the world. DOCUMENT ONE, CHAT IBR (Business drunk mode) Dear Lacy, What up, (can I use the word Bitch or are we not close enough for that? Lemme know offline). Where’s my twinkies? You PROMISED ME you’d gimme twinkies and now I’m MAAAAAAD. Whatever. I can’t make you get me twinkies, I guess. But I CAN ask you for that data report. Where is it? WHERE is it? WHERE DA FUCK IS IT? (Get me dem twinkies) Sincerely, YER BOSS DOCUMENT TWO (ORIGINAL) How many times do you need to respond to an invitation to a charity or social event? If you’re like Dave (below) you spend way too much effort crafting an email like this… Hi Abe, Looking forward to the golf benefit this weekend. I’m always happy to contribute to a good cause… and get in a round of golf or two while I’m at it! I will be at the course for the nine-a.m. tee time and I plan to stay for lunch. Please give my best to Tamra and the kids. Best, Dave Now let’s see how CHAT IBR can turn Dave’s weekend into something special with this response: DOCUMENT TWO, CHAT IBR (gay stereotype mode) Hey girlfriend! Time to break out some rosé and start the weekend! I have lots of new clothes to wear and I’m sure they will attract lots of MEN. Hello! Did a man just walk by? Yum. Yes please. Anyway, back to thinking about sex with men. Toodly doo! Dave DOCUMENT THREE (ORIGINAL) You promised the clerk at the front desk you’d write a hotel review and mention him, but when it comes time to do it, you end up struggling to compose something like this: FROM: Cynthia M. Hotel guest. The Hotel Lux was AMAZING. Great rooms, great service, and great location! Alex P. made our trip special. He was very attentive and helped my husband find a perfect restaurant for our anniversary. I will definitely be staying here again next time I’m in town. Kudos to Hotel Lux and thank you, Alex P! Not bad. Totally serviceable. But how much time did that take out of your day to think up the words and type them? Consider all the things Cynthia could have been doing instead like making more money and also Instagram stuff. Check out how CHAT IBR takes her run of the mill review and makes it shine. DOCUMENT THREE, IBR CHAT (uncomfortable, might want to put me on a watchlist or something mode) FROM: Cynthia M. Hotel guest. My name is Cynthia Margo and I LOVE the Hotel Lux. I love it so much I want to have sex with it. Hahahahahaha. Don’t use the bathroom in room 617 because I completely blew that shit up! Also, thank you to Alex Prater who works your front desk. That little motherfucker got us drugs. Thank you, ALEX PRATER. For the drugs. Also, I think I killed someone. DOCUMENT FOUR (ORIGINAL) Here is an actual letter from our own office. This was drafted by our intern, Lawrence DeGraf. He’s a thoughtful kid and wrote it to defuse a potential inflammatory legal situation we were facing. Here’s what Lawrence came up with: Dear Mr. Reynolds: Thank you for your recent letter. It was a thrill for our staff to hear from you since we are all great fans of your work. We do realize that yours was not a friendly message and that you are upset with our depiction of you in many of our articles. We were saddened to hear that you feel this way and will try our best to improve our fact-checking, the validity of our sources, as well as keep our employees from attempting to find and bother you at your home. In the meanwhile, we would appreciate your patience and hope you will consider not moving forward with legal action. We have held indefinitely all articles relating to you, your businesses, and personal life indefinitely as a gesture of good faith. Please let us know if we can answer questions or be of any help at all. Sincerely, The editorial board of the Intergalactic Business Report Pretty good, right? Now see the improvement when we run it through Chat IBR: DOCUMENT FOUR, CHAT IBR (fuck you, motherfucker mode) Hey Ryan! So you’re gonna sue us, huh? Is that what you’re up to? Is that what you’re doing now? Look at me! I’m Ryan fucking Reynolds. Big time movie star. Cheap ass telephone salesman. Encourager of pilots to drink while flying. That’s me! Ryan Reynolds. Bottom line, Ry. Not only will we not comply with your horse shit, but we will have a completely new section of the Intergalactic Business Report dedicated to exposing your horse shit. What do you think of that? Huh? Also, can we get your address? Not your lawyer’s? He’s a dick. A DICK. If we ever go to court, we will choose to defend ourselves just so we can DEFEAT and DESTROY him. And we don’t even have law degrees! Or degrees even. Or a car to get to the court room. So don’t expect us to even show, motherfucker. Up your long butthole tunnel, The Intergalactic Business Report *Chat IBR is run entirely by our AI intern/assistant editor Lawrence DeGraf. Lawrence DeGraf is the Artificial Intelligence intern at the Intergalactic Business Report. He can be reached at [email protected]. Not since Mussolini Mouse hocked cars for Lamborghini* has there been so much hatred for a mascot, character, or celebrity endorser. The Safelite Tik Tok bros featured in ad spots that seem to augur the end of civilization may be the most despised commercial figures of 2024. The pair of way-too-old-to-be-acting-this-way hipsters embark on road trips in which they revel in the idea of cracking their windshields so they can make Safelite employees uncomfortable as they film and pressure them into singing the company jingle.
The internet (because it’s like a person now) has stated that the duo “makes we want to die a little inside” as well as suggesting they “be used as human windshields.” As part of our service to the corporate world, the Intergalactic Business Report offers Safelite Auto Glass (for free) six new pairings to replace the bros. We firmly believe any of these will be a dramatic improvement: 1. Crack whores Deborah and Chastity. When two loveable crack whores have the windshield of their car/home kicked in by a murderous hobo, they must repair it or face death by either another hobo attack or the chill of winter. They call Safelite, but there’s no way they’re going to show up to a homeless encampment under a bridge until… Chastity offers to suck off the repair dude. 2. Feral dogs Alex and Luther. Alex and Luther spend their time roaming the countryside and feeding off garbage and road kill they find along the way until… Luther sees some teenagers who have run out of gas. Terrified by the hellish hounds, the youngsters hide in their car and must pretend they have a cracked windshield in order to lure the Safelite repairman to their site. When he arrives, they scamper into his pristine Safelite truck while Alex and Luther salute the teenagers for their offering to the dogs. Then they feast on the body of their newfound prey. (In case you don’t get it, the teenagers have “replaced” themselves with the Safelite repairman, thus “saving” themselves as well as a ton on money on gas.) 3. Hate bricks. The “hate bricks,” who have no names, are possessed by pure evil and cause anyone who touches them to be overcome by their power. First thing the hate bricks make you do? Throw them through people’s car windshields. The clever advertising trick here is that the hate bricks actually work for Safelite and this is how they drum up business. After their victims call Safelite, they usually pick up the bricks to remove them from the car and guess what? They too become possessed and start whipping them into other people’s windshields making massive profits for the company. (Note. This is only an ad idea. There are no such bricks in real life so you will have to figure out your own way to smash people’s windshields.) 4. Racial stereotype shapeshifter twins Terry and Gwen. These whacky twins can change their bodies but only to take the form of offensive racial stereotypes. When their windshield gets destroyed by a gale force wind, they call Safelite and hilariously offend the repair guy as he’s subjected to a veritable real life slideshow of insensitively dressed humans with exaggerated racial features. When it comes time to pay, they turn into an average looking white guy. Anyway, there's a lot of "replacement" themes you can use with this one. Have at it. 5. Jake and Mongo: Fartners for life. Jake and Mongo are two large farts that work together to destroy car windshields. Jake whistles in the wind as future Safelite customers drive on the highway. It’s like an eerie warning of things to come. The driver looks at the passenger as if to ask, “Did you hear that?” Then, out of nowhere, Mongo shatters the windshield with his enormous fart power. The car goes over a cliff as the flying glass makes it impossible for the driver to see. Just as it’s about to hit the ground, Mongo and Jake join forces to lift it back onto the road using their fart winds. Both driver and passenger are repelled by the stench, but thank Jake and Mongo for saving them. Then the Safelite repairman shows up and asks, “Who farted?” 6. Gary and Sancho: Two assholes driving a gravel truck. This is your “reality tv” option, where the people who are actually responsible for all windshield cracks show how they do it by overloading a crappy truck with gravel and taking it out on the highway to ruin everyone’s cars. Call these two guys Gary and Sancho and show them laughing as they wreck windows everywhere. Then, out of nowhere, comes a Safelite truck that pulls them over by forcing them off the road. The Safelite repair man steps out and shoots Gary. Sancho gets out and runs into a field where he is soon tracked down and executed. *O.K. We guess that was never a thing. Don’t sue us, Lambo.  Imagine these are Birddogs. When I first started seeing the ads for Birddogs pants, I was like, no way are these pants that great. But I really respected that they had mentally challenged actors in all their ads so I thought I’d give them a try. When the pants arrived, I was a little skeptical they would live up to all the hype, but I put them on anyway.
They slipped on as if I wasn’t even trying to wear them and I’ve had them on ever since. Instead of telling you why I like them, I thought I’d do the whole reverse thing where I tell you how much I hate them so you’ll be like, “What? He’s saying a bunch of good things about these pants. He doesn’t hate them at all. This is all just a fucking joke or something.” Anyway, here’s why I HATE my new Birddogs and why you shouldn’t buy them if you HATE the stuff I’m going to list below. Why I HATE my new Birddogs pants: 1. They fit too well! If you hate pants that fit you perfectly, you’re going to HATE these. 2. They make me look too good to women. I mean, I HATE that! Usually, women are nice to me because they think I live in a group home and sex is like a charity thing. Now I have to take them to dinner like I have a job. 3. They make my dick look bigger! I HATE that. People on the bus are all like, “Dude, you have a full-on raging boner.” And I’m like, “Nope, that’s just my new Birddogs pants.” Then I sit down next to them. 4. My new Birddogs pants tell me to do things that are super risky, where I get hurt sometimes. Like they’ll tell me to run into that intersection or try to strangle that dog over there. 5. They get me compliments! I’m SHY. I don’t like it when random people approach me and say, “Wow those pants look AWESOME on you.” And then they ask me what they look like when I take them off and put them on the floor of their apartment that’s just around the corner where they make the BEST margarita ever and I’ve gotta try it. 6. My Birddogs get me out of traffic tickets! I’m the kind of person if where I do something wrong, I want to pay the price—not use my magic pants to escape people who try to give me tickets for threatening prostitutes. If I messed up, I messed up. 7. When I put my new pants on, I feel like they’re alive and don’t want to come off me—ever. That’s a really fucked up feeling. I’ve been wearing these pants for seven weeks. 8. If you love going to the dry cleaner, you’ll HATE these pants, because you can just throw them in your washing machine at home—if the demon who possesses the pants ever lets you take them off, which he won’t, because that’s his thing. 9. I don’t like it when hot older women approach me and ask for my phone number. Mostly because ever since I started wearing these pants, these ladies appear to come through a portal and they’re from different time periods—like where they don’t speak our language and they want me to come back with them because I’m pretty sure it’s a human sacrifice thing and I made up the part about them wanting my phone number because they clearly have no idea what a phone is. 10. I feel like the pants aren’t really pants. And then I look down and notice I’m in the park and I’m not wearing them. At first I’m like why does the crotch area of these pants look like my nutsack, and then I’m like, wait, that is my nutsack. Ed Mountaineer likes Taco Bell and funnel cakes. His love/hate relationship with Birddogs pants has led to a number of office “incidents” that have put him on remote status. If you would like to reach Ed, please contact him at [email protected] In All-State insurance’s long running ad series, actor Dean Winters plays the personification of everything that could possibly go wrong in your life and why you should be insured just in case. The Intergalactic Business Report has always been a fan of these spots because we feel they warn us of a grim reality many of us are not willing to accept—namely that your smart house may go haywire and turn on your sprinkler system or that a college mascot might annihilate your automobile. After seeing the ad where “mahem” is a parking garage gate that’s “out of whack” and destroys your car, we thought of some other things you should insure against.
1. A clan of vermin learn to type and crawl into your home office, sending explicit texts and emails to your former Kindergarten students—and you just stopped teaching Kindergarten last year. “If you don’t bundle your home, life, and auto, you may be on the registered sex offender list.” 2. A voodoo priest decides to live in your basement. You don’t even know it because he has a spell where you’re down there watching t.v. and so is he but you don’t see him and just feel coldness like you’ve never felt before. But if you pay for All-State, they can cast a counter spell that reveals he’s living there and then at least it’s out in the open and maybe he’ll just leave on his own when he sees it’s not fun anymore? 3. Caveman bones surface in your backyard, and they reanimate to form living Neanderthals, who fuck up your lawn. You'll probably want to move after this and it’ll be super hard to sell your property after neighbors film the scene and post it all over the internet and your house becomes the focal point for a conspiracy theory about how radioactive waste buried in your yard brought ancient people back to life, but the insurance will cover the resodding. At least the first time it happens. After that, All-State raises your rates and you just let the cavemen trash everything while your neighbors film it and you’re like, Fuck it, maybe this radioactive waste will kill me and then reanimate me a thousand years from now too and me and the cavemen will just laugh about this. 4. Your butthole starts vacuuming up all your possessions. (The butthole is played by Dean Winters). 5. A pirate from another dimension where the pirates won, shows up in your garage and starts fucking things up. Now all those boxes of old porn are being picked up by the wind and landing in people’s lawns. Some people thank you. Some people start calling you the old perv on Cranberry Hill. They even write a song about it and it reaches number 17 on the Billboard Hot 100 (adult contemporary). 6. Your neighbor throws pumpkins at your house because he’s aiming at the vermin creeping up to your windows. This is terrible for your siding but All-State covers it and also pays to have the vermin removed from your house, but not before you’re listed as a sex offender (see above) and can never sell your house because it’s the one where the sex offender lives, and all the vermin were. 7. Your grandmother freaks out in your living room because a voice tells her if she destroys your house, the demons won’t ask her to kill again. “So get All-State and be better protected from Mayhem, like your grandmother losing her shit in your living room.” Note: Dean Winters has to work hard in this one to distinguish his grandmother from Norman Bates’ mom because there would be some kind of copyright infringement or something.  There are times in your life when you’re just watching t.v. and something happens that changes the way you look at life. That happened to me this morning when I saw a commercial for Legacy Box, a company that takes old videos and makes them new and not crappy and you can store them in your computer and put them on the internet instead of them being video tapes in your closet. Adam and Nick are the owners of the company (I guess?) and this is what they say in the ad: “Hi, I’m Nick.” “And I’m Adam.” “If you’re like us you have a box of old video tapes and photos just stacked in your closet.” “Worse, they’re degrading.” “The Legacy Box team saves these memories by professionally digitizing them on DVD, thumb drive, or the cloud.” Woah, I thought. These guys have been in my closet. And maybe they were there in 1989 when I did that sex video with that huge fucking camera that held a full VHS tape and hurt the fuck out of your shoulder. Whatever the case, these guys are cool—meaning they understand all about sex tapes from the 80’s and don’t judge or anything. In fact, not only do they not judge, they’re willing to do what it takes to revive those old videos so you can upload them to the internet in real time tonight. I assume they want a cut of the profits? Even though I don’t understand how you profit from uploading self-made porn from thirty years ago. I’m assuming there’s a ton of money in it somehow, otherwise Adam and Nick wouldn’t be so eager to get this done. No matter, because I may just find that old camera and do brand new self-made porn, probably with just myself since I have trouble finding people to do that stuff with, even if I pay them. Maybe Nick and Adam can help me out there! Ha ha. News flash! Just found my own version of “Faces of Death” that I filmed in 1985. Nobody dies, but I do put stuff in my butt. Guess I’m going to have to include that tape to send to my new bros, Nick and Adam. Woah, just discovered another gem. My nuts. On camera for like three hours. So weird. Why did I film my ball sack that long? Maybe I fell asleep with the camera on? Nick and Adam, you figure it out! A couple of these tapes have jizz or something all over them. I’m going to send those in with a note that says, “Nick and Adam. Can you guys fix this tape? It’s covered in seaman and lube.” I need to go now. There are a lot of old videos to look through that are going to become my “legacy,” right Nick and Adam? Thanks bros and I’m done writing now. Goodbye. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here. Allstate “Mayhem” ad warns against smart homes going haywire. Here’s what else to watch out for.2/26/2023 Allstate’s “Mayhem” ads warn us that if we don’t by their insurance, we may have a middle-aged man who looks like he just got the shit beat out of him ruin our property. At least that’s what we think the message is.
In one of their latest spots, Mayhem man shows us how our smart home may be in danger of glitching out and causing untold damage to our house and appliances. This taps into all of our most primal fears about our computerized homes breaking down and catching on fire, maiming us with our own garage door, and setting a sprinkler system off. This fear runs so deep, we believe, because so many of us live in homes controlled by our internet router and random robotic shit as if we are part of a Jetson’s episode. Below we list other highly probable insurance risks ordinary citizens should protect themselves against by paying for a home insurance policy from Allstate: New Allstate ad spot 1: Ghosts who have sex with your fruit while you sleep. Description: The mahem guy is wearing a sheet over himself with holes cut out for his eyes and mouth. He is in your kitchen railing a grapefruit, then throws it at a wall. He takes off the sheet and says, “I’m a ghost, and while you sleep I’m fucking all the fruit in your house.” Then he starts porking an orange. He has an orgasm and says something like, “So get All-State, and stop Mayhem, like me, from having relations with your produce.” New Allstate ad spot 2: Your roof turning into poop. Description: The mayhem guy is on your roof and sprinkling a magic powder all over it that turns it into monkey shit. He looks at the camera and says, “It’s a beautiful day and I’m your neighbor who decided to use magic dust to turn the roof over your head into pure primate kaka.” The roof collapses and the people inside are covered in feces. As they scream for help the mayhem guy stands outside their house and says: “So if you have cut rate insurance you won’t be protected from monkey shit avalanches caused by mayhem like me.” New Allstate ad spot 3: An alien star laser hits your house. Desription: “Mayhem” sits in a chair attached to a gigantic laser gun. The chair swings around and he releases a beam that goes off into space. He tells us: “I’m an alien warrior and I just shot a laser beam into space without knowing where it was going to go.” The laser beam hits your house, killing everyone instantly. Mayhem, dressed in a Martian costume walks by the ruins and says, “If you don’t bundle your home and auto insurance with Allstate, I may fucking kill your whole family.” The Intergalactic Business Report first signaled the end of modern advertising when we saw Gillette break the perimeter of polite society with an ad about pubic hair. This was followed by a NURX dude checking out his STD ridden penis before a Tinder date and a commercial about women openly taking dumps. Now Craig Robinson, of everything fame, shows up as your buddy who wants to know what you think his balls taste like.
Don’t get us wrong. We’ve been waiting for advertising to devolve into this for a very long time. If only Macgruff the Crime Dog could have threatened hookers for sexual favors and Mr. Whipple just squeezed women’s asses instead of toilet paper. Sigh… If only… This week, we re-imagine classic commercials that could have been so much better if only they had been given the latitude today’s admen receive. PRODUCT: Safelite. ORIGINAL COMMERCIAL: “My safelite story.” NEW COMMERCIAL: “What’s your Safelite safe word?” PRODUCT: Trix cereal. ORIGINAL COMMERCIAL: “Silly Rabbit, Trix are for kids.” NEW COMMERCIAL: “Silly Rabbit, Tricks are for prostitutes.” PRODUCT: Claritin D. ORIGINAL COMMERCIAL: “Get more airflow.” NEW COMMERCIAL: “Take the Claritin D.” BONUS COMMERCIAL: “Can’t breathe? Take out the D.” PRODUCT: Pork. ORIGINAL COMMERCIAL: “Pork. The other white meat.” NEW COMMERCIAL: “Pork. It’s what I’m going to do to your butt.” PRODUCT: Beef. ORIGINAL COMMERCIAL: “Beef. It’s what’s for dinner.” NEW COMMERCIAL: “It’s what’s for dinner (meaning my penis is for dinner [meaning you will eat my penis (meaning you will suck my penis, not eat it because that’s a whole other thing)]). PRODUCT: Nature’s Bounty ORIGINAL COMMERCIAL: “Triple action.” NEW COMMERCIAL: “Nature’s Booty. Triple action.” |
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