In what may be our most ground-breaking and timely story ever, the Intergalactic Business Report reveals top secret, undercover information obtained from the Chinese government about the outbreak of the Coronavirus.
Some of this news may be disturbing and change the way you see the Coronavirus. But we feel this is in the public’s interest and have decided to release the information below:
1. Coronavirus now advertises in online forums that it is a guy named “Dave” who needs a roommate. If you answer the ad, you get Coronavirus.
2. The “Coors Anal Virus” is not related to the Coronavirus at all, and is totally safe, except for the anal part. And probably the virus part.
3. Eating vampire boogers may keep the Coronavirus at bay. The problem, of course, is where to find vampire boogers.
4. Coronavirus can enter your system when you listen to music. Right now, this seems limited to hearing Imagine Dragons, which can cut through your immune system and cause immediate vomiting and swelling of the part of your brain that detects what sucks and making you susceptible to actually buying Imagine Dragons music and thinking it doesn’t suck at all.
5. The Coronavirus is spreading rumors that eating “vampire boogers” (see above) will somehow keep you safe. Then it tells people that it has vampire boogers but you need to come out to this place by the mall to get them. When you show up, you get the Coronavirus.
6. Having sex with Chinese government officials makes you immune to the Coronavirus. Chinese government officials really really emphasized this one.
7. The Coronavirus has hired a major public relations firm in New York to “soften” its image and make it more approachable to the general populace. A new campaign will feature full page advertisements in major newspapers and magazines with storylines about the Coronavirus’s work with charities and puff pieces about what the Coronavirus is doing on its summer break.
8. The Coronavirus plans to be on “the Masked Singer” and reveal itself like Edgar Allen Poe’s Red Death when the judges can’t guess who it is. Look for the episode where it’s called “the Masqued Singer.”
9. The Coronavirus hates its name and begged scientists to call it “Sir Jeffrey Steelehart.” The scientists were like, “Why that?” And the Coronavirus was like, “I don’t know. That sounds like a cool name.” And the scientists all started laughing and couldn’t stop. And the Coronavirus was like, “What’s so fucking funny?” but they just kept laughing. And then they called it the Coronavirus.
10. Drunk people who never leave their houses are at a very low risk for contracting the Coronavirus. We just threw this one in ourselves.
11. Somebody who went to college with the Coronavirus said that the Coronavirus was a total dick and “nasty” and nobody wanted to be its roommate because you’d get sick. The person added, “I don’t know if the Coronavirus has changed since college, but I doubt it. I think maybe it’s mutated a little, but that just comes with age. I just think that underneath it all, the Coronavirus is the same dick it always was.”
12. The Indian guy calling you and telling you you’re in trouble with the IRS is best friends with the Coronavirus. Those two crazy motherfuckers have been causing trouble for years. Sure, the Coronavirus is more famous and has a way bigger impact and body of work. But the Indian dude scaring people into thinking they’re about to have federal agents raid their house if they don’t give him their bank account number? He’s pretty shitty too.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.