Mixed martial arts. Ultimate fighting. Prison sex. You’ve heard it called many things. But more than being an opportunity for two dudes to take most of their clothes off and come close to having sex before “tapping out,” the sport has become a multi-billion-dollar phenomenon.
For years, the Intergalactic Business Report has kept quiet about MMA and its close cousin, two naked guys touching each other while someone films it. But we still harbored suspicions about just how good the fighters were and if they were actually fighting or just figuring out a way to get another man’s sweat on them.
Another suspicion arose when one of our editors mentioned the movie “Bloodsport,” which depicts the true-life story of a guy who won an underground fighting championship in Hong Kong. Often confused for a documentary, “Bloodsport” shows a realistic view of how an actual martial arts fighting competition would look. Needless to say, it bears very little resemblance to the Ultimate Fighting Championships we see on television.
Fortuitously, someone on our staff* knew a man who had also won the “Kumite” championship shown in “Bloodsport.” Toby Crayatone, who wishes to remain anonymous, claims to have won that contest 46 times. We contacted him and he spoke with us for several hours about his views on fighting, love, and who he thinks the best fighter of all time is. Since the interview went on for several hours, we have chosen the most pertinent excerpts to share below:
INTERVIEWER: First off, Tony, how’s the love life going?
TONY CRAYATONE: Oh, man. You really had to open with that? It’s kind of a sensitive topic.
INTERVIEWER: Really? Why?
TONY CRAYATONE: I just don’t like to talk about it. That’s all.
INTERVIEWER: (Laughing). Are you going to kick my ass if I keep asking about it?
TONY CRAYATONE: (Also laughing). Yeah. Maybe!
INTERVIEWER: O.K. then. I’m going to switch topics to something I know people are interested in hearing about. Fighting.
TONY CRAYATONE: Yes. Fighting. O.K. Wait a second. There is one thing I should say about my love life before we go any further.
INTERVIEWER: Go ahead.
TONY CRAYATONE: I’m not dating anyone right now.
INTERVIEWER: You’re single?
TONY CRAYATONE: And ready to mingle…
INTERVIEWER: (Laughs uncontrollably). I can’t speak. That’s so fucking funny…
TONY CRAYATONE: (Losing his shit). I know! I know!
INTERVIEWER: Sorry. Sorry. Let’s start again…
TONY CRAYATONE: Ready to mingle!
INTERVIEWER: (Falls off chair while laughing). Oh my god! Oh my god. Stop!
TONY CRAYATONE: Sorry, man.
INTERVIEWER: Hey… When you were fighting, did you ever just say jokes like that and knock your opponent down just using your funniness?
TONY CRAYATONE: That would have been so cool! Like, here’s a joke, and then he falls down laughing!
INTERVIEWER: (Calming down after the laughing fit). Wow. Where were we?
TONY CRAYATONE: I don’t know…
INTERVIEWER: Something about fighting?
TONY CRAYATONE: Naw. It was about dating and how I’m ready to mingle!
(EDITOR’S NOTE: Unfortunately, this comment by Tony sent our interviewer into another fit of laughter. That’s basically all we have. Sorry.)
*The janitor. Even though we don’t pay for janitors. So he must have been someone else we don't know or never talk to who was walking around our office after hours.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.