Bad habits. They’re gross or unhealthy. They may even make you unattractive. But new science uncovers that some of them will dramatically extend your life. The Intergalactic Business Report uses that science to calculate exactly what you can gain from each “bad” behavior.
1. Having a visible “boner.”
LIFE EXTENSION: 9.7 MINUTES.
It’s embarrassing. You’re totally hard in public. And you’re a grown man – not some kid hitting puberty. What’s worse is that it kind of turns you on. For years, psychologists and human resources people would consider this a major social problem that could inhibit your relationships both at work and on public transportation. But a recent scientific/medical discovery has shown conclusively that an erection actually “dies” after you do, leaving you 9.7 minutes of rock hard “life” after the rest of your body has left this Earth.
2. Scratching your ass in public.
LIFE EXTENSION: 2.3 MINUTES.
Sometimes you have an itch so bad you just don’t care if everyone around you stares as you basically finger your own asshole in front of them. New research confirms that while this kind of itching may be socially unacceptable, it has a tremendous side benefit: minutes of extra living. This comes from the constant finger exercises you do over your lifetime, building just enough muscle and fitness to extend your life by 2.3 minutes.
3. Touching people when they don’t want you to touch them.
LIFE EXTENSION: 3.9 SECONDS.
Let’s face it, if you’re a “toucher” life can be difficult for you. You have an irrepressible need to put your hands and fingers on other people when you’re talking to them or even when you’re not. It makes them uncomfortable and even likely to call security. But on your death bed, your body will be compelled to get one last “touch” in and you’ll reach out for 3.9 seconds to try to grab a nurse or passerby.
4. Smelling like shit.
LIFE EXTENSION: 14 SECONDS.
By “smelling like shit” we mean that you smell like shit and not that your nose is shitty at smelling. This condition usually follows not bathing for, perhaps, several weeks, and probably rolling around in feces – a lot. But that foul stench will keep whoever pulls your plug away for 14 seconds as he steadies himself to walk closer to your stench.
5. Screaming for no reason.
LIFE EXTENSION: .06 SECONDS.
You want to say something. And you don’t know how. But you do know how to scream like something’s really really wrong. And you do it right in people’s faces. While they recoil and even run away from you, it can be discouraging. After all, you were just trying to say something, even if that something wasn’t in a language or tone that anyone could distinguish from an incredibly loud, screeching noise emanating from your mouth and into their faces. While the afterlife usually welcomes new arrivals, there will be an odd, .06 second delay in your departure as whoever awaits you desperately tries to thwart the powers of the universe to keep you out. They manage to do it for .06 seconds, which is pretty impressive, considering.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.