9 new dark Web sites you should never visit.

The “Dark Web.” Kind of like dark chocolate in that it’s like regular chocolate only it tastes like shit. With all the fear surrounding this netherworld, the Intergalactic Business Report went on some of the darkest, deepest sites and report what we’ve found.
 
Search at your peril for these dark Web sites:
 
Drunk house sellers: This is where you sell your house online when you’re really drunk.
 
Teddy bear bong purveyors: This horrifying Web site sells bongs made from the stolen teddy bears of children.
 
Nigerian Prince Connection: Here you are matched with an African prince who will transfer money to your bank account and may even marry you afterwards. So far, we think this one is legit and a wedding is being planned for next summer. Say congrats if you see us.
 
Man versus squirrel herd. Ever wanted to see a man fight about a hundred rabid-looking varmits? This is your chance. Spoiler alert: the men never win. (We think this one may actually just be a Japanese game show.)
 
Download my brain. This one features attempts of amateur surgeon/scientists to download the contents of their brains onto computers. Unfortunately, none of the participants seem to have any formal training in surgery or science. 
 
Shitcoin. Like Bitcoin only people trade in pieces of shit, which are mailed to you. 
 
Date my dead grandmother. A guy in a mental institution in Thailand invites you to go on date with his grandmother who died, we think, sometime in the last twenty years. If you sign up for it, we’re pretty sure he ends up killing you.
 
Illegal cigarette smoking network. Two guys named Igor and Jeff smoke cigarettes they acquired without paying the usual six dollar sin tax. They gloat and challenge the government to find them. 
 
Evil twin sister. Ever wished you were someone’s evil twin sister? This site connects you with black market plastic surgeons who will change your face and body so you resemble another person so exactly that you can show up in her life and either claim you’re her long lost twin sister or simply just hook up with her boyfriend.