In an exclusive exposé, Cedric Bigglestone sits down with a gold company executive to find the truth.
My journey to truth began as it usually does. I sat in a bar, having a moderately priced fishbowl drink. The bartender had stopped talking to me and I was alone with the t.v. that hung nearby. That’s when I saw yet another commercial for buying gold.
“Buy gold!” the ad announced. "Buy it now because it outperforms the stock market and will make you rich." I knew my wallet was filled with credit cards and a few dollars I’d made from an impromptu lap dance for some retired postal workers. But that was just plastic and paper. Not precious metal.
So I longed for some. I longed for gold to be in my pants instead of what I had. Hell, I wanted a gold dick, a gold face, gold hair. Fuck regular money, I thought, and also screamed because my thoughts and my voice are the same I’ve discovered. The bartender simply pulled out his phone and threatened me with it as he always does. Did I want him to call the cops again? No. I guess not. So I left and wandered down the street.
It was there, on the concrete path of life that I had my revelation about the gold industry and that was that it must be fake. After all, if gold was so valuable and awesome why were the gold companies trying to get rid of it all the time? Why didn’t they just keep all the gold for themselves and be rich?
This led me to interview an anonymous representative of the gold industry. In a secret meeting with me, he revealed the stunning real story behind what we call “gold.” Here it is:
CEDRIC: So you’re a high level gold executive?
SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: That’s right?
CEDRIC: Named Barry Winters?
SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: Don’t use my name! You said you wouldn’t use my name!
CEDRIC: I’ll redact it or whatever. Don’t worry… Jesus… So, what does it mean to be a gold executive?
SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: I work for a company that sells gold.
CEDRIC: Like from pirates?
SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: What?
CEDRIC: Like pirate gold?
SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: We don’t have pirate gold, no. We have coins, yes… And…
CEDRIC: That’s fucking bullshit.
SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: Pardon me?
CEDRIC: Nothing. Anyway, is gold fake?
SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: Fake?
CEDRIC: Why are you selling it all the time? Why not keep it all and just be rich?
SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: That’s not how it works. We sell the gold to our clients and they assume a risk if the price of gold goes down. However….
CEDRIC: I thought gold was a great investment. How would the price go down?
SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: Well…
CEDRIC: Is gold fake?
SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: You asked that before. I assure you, gold is very real. It’s…
CEDRIC: Do you know King Midas?
SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: The legend of King Midas? Yes, of course…
CEDRIC: No. I mean do you know King Midas? The man? The real man.
SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: I think I should leave now. I’m feeling a little uncomfortable with the tone of this interview.
CEDRIC: Maybe you’re feeling a little uncomfortable with lying to people about gold. I mean, if you have all this gold to sell, why don’t you have like a gold sword or a gold helmet or something? Why the fuck are you wearing a suit? I mean a non-golden suit?
SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: I’ve tried to answer your questions. May I leave now?
CEDRIC: Why wouldn’t you be able to leave?
SECRET GOLD EXECUTIVE: Because I’m tied to a chair?
At this point the interview really ended because Barry wouldn’t be straight with me or answer my questions. Each time I asked something, he was evasive and my lie detector chip which I installed in my left temple gives me the ability to detect evasiveness and he failed.
But what does all this mean for you, the consumer? I’m still working on that. For now, I’m just going to say that I wouldn’t buy “gold” from anyone who doesn’t physically have pirate treasure or wear gold armor. For now, that’s all any of us can do. Till next time.
Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.