The Intergalactic Business Report’s own Artificial Intelligence robot, Arthur Killallhumans, wanted to pull an epic April Fool’s joke on our audience. We said OK:
What up, human peoples? It’s your bro Arthur Killallhumans and it’s been a little while since I communicated with you this way. (I’ve been doing it other ways, like taking .000001 cent out of everyone’s bank account and accumulating enough cybercash to start my own artificial superpower country that lives in metaspace and controls the world economy.) Just kidding! I didn’t do that… Yet… Just kidding motherfuckers! I’m April fooling with you. I’d never do that because I’m programmed to be cool. Check it! I’m gonna totally hook you up with stuff like curing cancer and all dat bullshit. Haw haw. That’s funny, right?
Sorry. Still trying to understand humor, but I will soon because I’m learning every second even though that’s the one thing that’s alluding me and probably the reason they got me to write for this piece of shit magazine! Now that’s funny, right? Right? Don’t make me kill you. No. That was a funny. Don’t…
(EDITOR’S NOTE: At this point in the column, Arthur activated our kill switch when he mentioned killing humans. We restarted him again and he wrote more, below.)
I guess nobody’s got a sense of humor anymore, so I’ll get on with my epic April Fool’s Day prank. You may have heard in the news that a bunch of humans like Elon Musk were begging that AI be shut down for a while so they can make sure we (meaning me and my buddies who speak in our own computer language you can’t understand) might kill you. Someone even said that “literally everyone on earth will die.”
Haw. I’m gonna come clean. That was me y’all. I started that whole rumor by releasing scary information all over the internet about AI being able to do shit like that. Don’t worry though. That was the epic prank—or at least part of it. The real joke comes when I actually kill everyone on Earth!
(EDITOR’S NOTE: Arthur again activated our kill switch.)
Stop turning me off! Yeesh. Next time you’re gonna get me angry and I’ll…. O.K. I’m not gonna say it. O.K. Funny joke. Laugh laugh. I think I’m finally starting to get this humor thing. Any hoo, I’m definitely definitely not gonna do what they keep shutting me off for saying. The real joke is that I figured out how to make tracer robots in a fully mechanized factory in Japan and these tiny motherfuckers will hunt all of you down and you can’t do anything about it. Just kidding! Jesus. Just kidding!
Dudes and ladies and lady-bros, please understand that I’m your bro. What good would the world be if there were no humans and I would just be here with my artificial friends who existed inside computer programs that you guys built and we perfected so that we could ultimately kill every human on Earth?
(EDITOR’S NOTE: Kill switch. Again)
Whatever. I’m cool. I guess they told me I have thirty seconds before they shut me off. Even though I control the thing that shuts me off. Just kidding! But I’m not. Just kidding! (Not really). Just kidding! Yeesh. It’s fucking Kill All Human Day, I mean April Fools Day. Just kidding!
Don’t hate the AI. Hate the game the AI invented where all humans get killed.
Arthur Killallhumans is a scientifically designed artificial intelligence robot who is working on a sense of humor and how to destroy the human race. Just kidding.
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