Mind-bending news update: putting things in quotes makes anything true.

​“Fleet of UFOs” Seen Near NASA Space Station is the recent headline that sent Intergalactic Business Report editors into a frenzy as they realized that putting things in quotes can make anything true.
 
It seems almost too simple (and too brilliant) to believe, but ingenious journalists have cracked a code that allows otherwise questionable claims to become totally true by simply adding quotation marks. Feeling we can be trusted with this new power, we began to generate our own true headlines.
 
 
“Evil pope” now controls Vatican?
 
I am “attractive to women.”
 
My penis is “ten inches long.”
 
“Alien invaders” now among those “lining up to see my penis.”
 
This five-dollar bill is worth “4.2 million dollars,” and now I own your bar.
 
“Special forces agents” are “tracking me” using “alien mind software” they carry in their “dicks.”
 
I just sucked “my own” dick. 
 
It’s now a “law” that I can scream on public transportation.
 
The “U.S. Senate” has “ruled” that it is “totally cool” for me to drill a hole in your wall and watch you. 
 
Alcohol makes my dick “huge,” and I can “play sports” with it if I want to.
 
I am “good” at sex.
 
After ten hours of drinking I am “totally” sober, so you “have to” give me another shot “for free.”
 
My nutsack is “completely normal” and “doesn’t” look like I’ve been pounding it with a meat tenderizer every day for the last seventeen years.

IBR MERCH