You may have read a Vox article warning that within thirty years a massive climate shift will change cities across the country into other cities that are warmer and different. Minneapolis will become Des Moines. Cleveland becomes St. Louis. And St. Louis will turn into Tulsa.
The Intergalactic Business Report dug deep into the study and found a terrifying prediction that had nothing to do with climate change at all. If you are a citizen of Albuquerque, New Mexico, you should be afraid for your future.
The horrifying news
According to the report, the city of Albuquerque will turn into an Elephant Butte (sic). This means that an entire American city will not only cease to exist, but it will actually transform into a gigantic pachydermal ass.
What this means for people in Albuquerque
Our advice would be to leave the city soon, because we don’t have a clear idea what happens to people when a city turns into a huge elephant ass. Do they remain in the ass and live there? Or does the ass reject humans? We don’t know.
The good news will be that no one will ever need to spell “Albuquerque” again, except in reference to the city that transmogrified into an enormous butt.
The new “Atlantis.”
We firmly believe that in the future, Albuquerque will be seen the same way Atlantis is today—as a lost city that may or may not have existed. Television programs will search around the elephant ass and entice their viewers with the possibility that maybe this gargantuan rear end in the desert was once a city.
Terrifying questions remain.
Perhaps the scariest possibility of an elephant ass the size of a city is whether or not it will produce farts. Scientists questioned by the Intergalactic Business Report were split on this. Some say since the butt won’t be attached to an actual elephant, it will be unable to rip an earth-shaking fart across the desert. But others contend that a butt is a butt and it will almost surely blow a massive, greasy fart that will devastate wildlife and humans for thousands of miles beyond it.
Not to worry though, according to one scientist, who says the butt may be like a dormant volcano, erupting once every thousand years or so. He also predicts that the gas emanating from the butt will only ruin your clothes and make you ill for a couple days before it dissipates.
But other scientists say that the first scientist is just making up shit and that the elephant ass will probably fart daily, like “Old Faithful” and not just ruin clothing, but cover your house in “fart sauce" if you live in the state of New Mexico.
We will continue to watch this story as it develops in the next thirty years.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.