Breaking genetics news: You are probably related to yourself.

The Intergalactic Business Report is known for its far-reaching studies and scientific accuracy, but the field of genetics is one that leaves us in awe. 
 
Spinning double helixes of DNA determine everything from our eye color to what made-up race we belong to, and this has spawned mind-blowing opportunities for companies to make untold wealth by telling you that you don’t know who you actually are till you pay them money first.
 
Are you a Viking? Or are you someone who would have been rounded up and killed a hundred years ago for being considered inferior stock? What’s most important is that we all take the time and money to find out for sure what separates us the most from our fellow human beings and then make a big deal about it.
 
An earth-shattering new genetic study, commissioned solely by the Intergalactic Report, has revealed something about humankind that goes beyond determining how racially pure or impure we all are. We have found that you are related to yourself. But what does this mean? 
 
We’ve outlined the five most important questions you may have:
 
Q: What does it mean to be related to myself?
A: Because you’re related to yourself, your genes are exactly identical to your genes. This is like having an identical twin inside you.
 
Q: If I'm my own relative, can I meet myself? 
A: Have you ever thought something and known immediately what you’re thinking? That’s because you are related to yourself and can read your own thoughts. If you want to meet yourself, just say hello, or ask a question. You can do this either out loud or in your mind!
 
Q: How do I find out why I turned out the way I am? 
A: You can do this by using a new genetic study technique: thinking back to your childhood. You can also study this past by talking to people who were alive when you were young, such as parents, siblings, other relatives, and even friends. 
 
Q: When the day of the rope is upon us, will I be spared or killed?
A:  That all depends if you are whatever racial makeup the people with the rope have determined is good or bad. But the comforting news is that If you’ve submitted to having a DNA test, all that information will be easily accessible in a database, and the roving bands of racial purists will be able to sort things out easily and can let you know whether you are one of them or need to be put down.
 
Q: Can I change my genetics so that I’m no longer related to myself? 
A: Of course.