You go to the dentist. He looks around in your mouth and says stuff. You nod and pay him money. Then he drills the fuck out of your teeth. In what world is this okay?
For many years, the Intergalactic Business Report has suspected that the profession of dentistry is fake, but we could never definitively prove it… Till now…
Following an exhaustive investigation of the dental industrial complex (including dental “schools” and offices all over the country) IBR offers conclusive evidence that the entire practice is a made-up money grab that steals from you as it makes mouth molesting “dentists” rich. Here’s the proof:
1. Those aren’t X rays you’re seeing.
Dentists always show you pictures of your teeth, point at them, and say, “Look. See that?” and you have no idea what they’re talking about but you nod anyway. We found that the picture they show you is just a black and white close up of a man’s teeth from 1959. They just share that photo and show it to everyone and then make up shit about what it means. For instance: “See that? That’s a cavity. That’s bad. That needs to be fixed. Now give me some money.”
2. They numb you, so they can pillage your mouth with their medieval tools.
Numbing, or “incapacitating the victim,” as dentists will call it in private, is a way to make sure you can’t feel the horror of what they choose to do inside your mouth. If you look over, you may see an area where they’ve set out all their little knives and pokers, and you naturally look away, because you don’t want to think about those things tearing through your burrito eater. But next time, look closely and you’ll see they are the same tools used in torture chambers in the middle ages and passed down generation after generation till your torturer got them.*
3. You can never see what the fuck they’re doing.
Dentists put on some music or, in some cases, harness you with a contraption that lets you watch movies. This is to distract you from figuring out that they are just doing random shit inside your mouth.
4. Dental sessions end when the dentist just gets sick of torturing you.
At some point during your punishment, the dentist will say something like, “O.K. we’re done,” and this just means he’s bored of fucking with your mouth and wants to move on to his next victim who waits, terrified, in the next room.
5. Dentists become defensive when you share our proof with them.
If you ever see a dentist at the grocery store or just out on the street, and confront him with our facts, he will act super angry and weird, thus admitting his guilt and that we are right about all of this. In our encounters with dentists, in which we followed them home or to Target parking lots and then cornered and questioned them, there was a high degree of fear and even violence exhibited. We find this to be a clear sign that we’ve hit a nerve, so to speak, with them. Some of their responses included: “Get the fuck away from me,” and “I’m going to call the cops,” which are things only the guilty say.
6. The word “dentist” means something in Latin that’s bad.
We are not experts in Latin, which we also believe may be fake and the subject of a future article, but we can say with almost one hundred percent accuracy that the word “dentist” comes from it and means something fucking horrible.
*We strongly believe, but can’t prove yet, that all dentists are descendants of medieval executioners and torturers. It’s kind of like being a vampire or a witch, sort of…
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.