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Secret Report

Coronavirus may have ended. IBR’s own infectious disease doctor has stunning news.

8/15/2020

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In an interview that will shake the medical world, the Intergalactic Business Report speaks with Dr. Garrett Soleziak, an epidemiologist and doctor of infectious diseases at a well-known American university. Dr. Soleziak believes that Coronavirus is over and that what we are seeing today are “residual effects of a psychosomatic trauma.” Although the discussion took place over three and a half hours, we have excerpted the highlights below:
 
 
INTERVIEWER: Dr. Soleziak, thank you for your time. I know you’re very busy right now.
 
DR. SOLEZIAK: Not really.
 
INTERVIEWER: You’re not really busy?
 
DR. SOLEZIAK: Yeah, that’s right. 
 
INTERVIEWER: I’d think during a pandemic a doctor with your background would have a lot on his hands. You’re saying that’s not the case?
 
DR. SOLEZIAK: No. I mean, yes, that’s not the case.
 
INTERVIEWER: So, let’s talk about Coronavirus. 
 
DR. SOLEZIAK: Let’s not!
 
INTERVIEWER: You’re a funny guy. And, I’m guessing, a great doctor too?
 
DR. SOLEZIAK: I’ll take “funny guy.”
 
INTERVIEWER: Seriously though. You said something to me before this interview about the Coronavirus.
 
DR. SOLEZIAK: Yeah.
 
INTERVIEWER: Yeah what?
 
DR. SOLEZIAK: Yeah, I said something. 
 
INTERVIEWER: Would you say it again?
 
DR. SOLEZIAK: Sure.
 
INTERVIEWER: Go ahead.
 
DR. SOLEZIAK: Am I getting paid for this?
 
INTERVIEWER: (TO SOMEONE IN ANOTHER ROOM) Is Garrett getting paid for this?
 
DR. SOLEZIAK: Someone said I’m getting paid.
 
INTERVIEWER: Yeah. Yeah. I’m guessing that’s accurate.
 
DR. SOLEZIAK: That I’m getting paid?
 
INTERVIEWER: Yeah.
 
DR. SOLEZIAK: Good. 
 
INTERVIEWER: Listen, can we just talk about the Coronavirus for a second? 
 
DR. SOLEZIAK: Whatever. Sure, I guess.
 
INTERVIEWER: You told me earlier you think it’s gone?
 
DR. SOLEZIAK: Yeah.
 
INTERVIEWER: Like it’s not here anymore? 
 
DR. SOLEZIAK: Yeah.
 
INTERVIEWER: So, Coronavirus is over?
 
DR. SOLEZIAK: Yeah.
 
INTERVIEWER: Could you explain that a little?
 
DR. SOLEZIAK: It’s like it was here and then it wasn’t. Or isn’t. I don’t know which tense is right to say that.
 
INTERVIEWER: How did you come to that conclusion? That Coronavirus is gone?
 
DR. SOLEZIAK: Medical studies. Mostly that.
 
INTERVIEWER: Can you just say what we fucking told you to say?
 
DR. SOLEZIAK: The stuff about psycho… Psychopaths or something?
 
INTERVIEWER: Jesus. Read off the paper. 
 
DR. SOLEZIAK: The handwriting is hard to understand…
 
INTERVIEWER: It’s fucking typed, Garrett. 
 
DR. SOLEZIAK: I’m not reading this. 
 
INTERVIEWER: Then you’re definitely not getting paid.
 
DR. SOLEZIAK: If I could read or write, do you think I’d be doing this shit for you?
 
INTERVIEWER: You can’t read?
 
DR. SOLEZIAK: Or write.
 
INTERVIEWER: Yeah. That usually goes together.
 
DR. SOLEZIAK: Hold on. I’m going to try… Hold on… The reason we don’t have Coronavirus anymore… Is… 
 
INTERVIEWER: Good. Keep going. 
 
DR. SOLEZIAK: Is because of psychopaths…?
 
INTERVIEWER: Fuck you, Garrett. We’re done.  
 
DR. SOLEZIAK: At least take me to Taco Bell. 

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