Just as your greatest fears about the Mongolian death worm have risen from “panic” to “total freakout,” even worse news has arrived. The Intergalactic Business Report’s exclusive coverage of the movements and tactics of the death worm have led us to the chilling observation that the mainstream media is controlled by, well, Mongolian death worms. Don’t believe us? Then read these five undeniable points of truth:
1. A Mongolian death worm probably wrote this. For years, scientists assumed that a creature with no arms or hands or education could produce content for a Web site. However, several editors have noticed death worms slithering out of news rooms at odd hours. “Why didn’t they just kill us?” one of them asked. “Why did they just scoot away?” Answer: because they just wrote an article from a trusted writer’s desk and posted it online. The killing can wait till later.
2. Mongolian death worms are responsible for awards shows on television where you haven’t seen any of the movies, shows, or know any of the songs, but you feel compelled to watch anyway and say to yourself, next year I’m going to watch/listen to all these before this comes on so I understand what they’re all clapping for. That’s when the Mongolian death worm will appear behind you and suck the top of your head off.
3. Click bait is literally bait. Have you ever clicked on a story that said it was going to show you how some celebrity from the 1980’s looked today and that you won’t believe it? Then you spend an hour clicking through and never seeing the celebrity at all? And you’re like, “Where the fuck is the picture of Tina Yothers?” As the word “Yoth…” comes from your lips, a Mongolian death worm will have slithered into your den/living room/sad kitchen eating area and detach your feet from your legs. When you look down, still vaguely picturing scenes from “Family Ties,” the death worm will spray you with a sedative that will put you to sleep as it consumes the rest of your corpse. As you pass into the next world, you will not see a light or god. Instead you will only see Tina Yothers.
4. As the twenty-four hour news cycle becomes a twenty-six hour news cycle… Wait, what? Look behind you.
5. There’s no fucking way Law and Order or any of those crappy CSI shows could have been on t.v. for close to three hundred years unless…. Only a creature with a tiny brain, no eyes, and no way of changing the channel could ever possibly be into watching Ice Tea, David Caruso, or Chris O’Donnell for that long. Those shows aren’t for you… They’re for death worms!
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.