In the middle of a global pandemic, the Intergalactic Business Report’s Cedric Bigglestone uncovers a new threat no one saw coming. Below is his exposé.
PART ONE: Forced into solitude, I make a discovery.
In March I am ordered by the government to stay in my home. I spend a lot of time naked in those weeks. It’s what you do when you are enclosed in a box by an unjust government. You take your clothes off. You walk around. You stare at people on the street as they watch you watch them.
One day, I look down and notice something extremely odd. My dick isn't straight.
PART TWO: I start asking questions.
I have had my penis for years, so if it had always been crooked, I’d have known. Why was it now at an angle? Why was it so… So… Curved?
PART THREE: The stay in place order gets extended. So does my research of my own dick.
With more time to think, as well as be naked, I roam my apartment wondering how I will feed myself and whether I can escape by cutting a hole into my neighbor’s bathroom and crawling through. That’s when I look down again and see my curved dong.
PART FOUR: I discover a new virus.
Sometimes things happen in your life and you’re like, “This doesn’t make any sense.” Then you say, “Wait. This does make sense.” That’s what happened.
The one thing you can count on in life is that your dick will be the same. That it will never ever change. But mine did? How was that possible? Unless… Unless it was a virus.
PART FIVE: I bring my discovery to the medical world.
Naming my condition “Curvedbonervirus” I phone the Harvard Medical Journal. It is an awkward call that ends with me offering to send them a picture of my penis. I contact a local pediatrician. She almost immediately ends the conversation. I make several other calls till I begin to believe I have uncovered something the medical world doesn’t want anyone to know.
PART SIX: Without help from “doctors” I release my own study.
That’s kind of what this article is.
PART SEVEN: Do you have Curvedbonervirus? Check for these symptoms.
If you have Curvedbonervirus (or CBV for short) you may not even know it. The main thing to look for is if your dick is curved. Like a banana or something. That means you have it.
PART EIGHT: How do you get Curvedbonervirus? Can you prevent it?
It’s a virus, so that means you get it from germs. Clean your dick. That’s my best advice. Clean it really well. Also, wear a mask on it. Condoms work well. That’s what I do. But just when I go outside.
PART NINE: Conclusion.
I will probably win the Nobel Peace Prize or whatever for this. That’s how important my research has become to the world. I also hope that the government will start posting Curvedbonervirus numbers so that citizens can know how many people in their area have it. In the meanwhile, maybe you could just wear a shirt or carry a sign to warn people.
Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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