Everyone from the CDC to your mom is giving you tips on how to avoid the Coronavirus as it spreads over the world like a blanket made of sickness. Instead of giving you the usual advice about washing your hands and not French-kissing outbreak patients, the Intergalactic Business Report offers 10 secret tips to stay safe. You’re welcome.
SECRET TIP ONE: Live on a different planet. The Coronavirus is a pandemic, which generally affects everyone on Earth. But if you move to another world that isn’t planet Earth, then you should be fine.
SECRET TIP TWO: Become a hermit on a remote island. This option will become harder and harder as all the islands are taken by other hermits, but if you move quickly, you could claim one all for yourself.
SECRET TIP THREE: Start a new life as a cyborg that doesn’t contract diseases. This is probably the most obvious tactic to take against the Coronavirus, since you continue to live your current life almost exactly as it is now. Only you’re a robot or whatever.
SECRET TIP FOUR: Remove your hands. Hands touch things. Things have bacteria on them. Things have the Coronavirus on them. Stop touching things by not having any hands to touch them. Brilliant.
SECRET TIP FIVE: Remove your head. This goes well with Number Four, above. The Coronavirus infects people when they breathe it in through their mouths and noses or rub their eyes with their finger (attached to hands! See above) that has the virus on it. If you have no head, this is virtually impossible, and the Coronavirus be like, “Whaaat?” And it will move on to its next victim, which isn’t you.
SECRET TIP SIX: Become a virtual version of yourself in which your avatar lives in a disease-free world. What’s best about this option is that you can come up with all kinds of cool outfits to wear, have a perfect body, and you can make your hair red (or whatever color you want).
SECRET TIP SEVEN: Have sex with an Editor from the Intergalactic Business Report. Apparently, this makes you impervious to sickness. We know. Weird, right?
SECRET TIP EIGHT: Make a “not gonna get the Coronavirus pact” with yourself. And give yourself no room to fail.
SECRET TIP NINE: Change all David Lynch movies into the Coronavirus. That way no one will ever get it.
SECRET TIP TEN: Pretend you’re a virus too, and when the Coronavirus comes for you, just be like, “Hey, what up? How’s infecting? Really? Wow. That’s way better than me. Well, see you later, I guess.”
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.