First ever interview with a Leprechaun in captivity. (We caught a leprechaun. Really. Here’s what he said.)
The first ever live Leprechaun was captured in February by the Intergalactic Business Report’s security team.* Caught in a field as he ran to his magic tree, we were able to apprehend him, tie him up, and question him in an editor’s apartment. You won’t believe what we learned.
INTERVIEWER: I’m going to come right out and say it. We got you. We totally got you.
LEPRECHAUN: (Sullenly) Yeah. Yeah, I guess you did. Can I leave now?
INTERVIEWER: No way. Not till you answer some questions.
LEPRECHAUN: And then I can leave?
INTERVIEWER: I guess?
LEPRECHAUN: Why did you say that like a question?
INTERVIEWER: The word Leprechaun. It’s kind of a stupid word.
LEPRECHAUN: Sure. I guess.
INTERVIEWER: You guess? You guess?
LEPRECHAUN: Can I go now?
INTERVIEWER: What do you have in your magic tree?
LEPRECHAUN: I told you. I don’t have a magic tree.
INTERVIEWER: Why don’t you just tell us?
LEPRECHAUN: (Angry, like he’s hiding something) Because I don’t have a fucking magic tree!
INTERVIEWER: Let the record show he said he has a magic tree.
LEPRECHAUN: What record? Who are you talking to? And I said I DON’T have a magic tree.
INTERVIEWER: Then why are you talking about it so much?
LEPRECHAUN: Listen… Just let me go. I’m not a leprechaun. I’m just a normal guy. That’s all. Just let me go.
INTERVIEWER: Oh, sure. We’ll just let you go.
LEPRECHAUN: You will?
LEPRECHAUN: Because I’m a leprechaun, right?
INTERVIEWER: Let the record show he just admitted he’s a leprechaun.
LEPRECHAUN: You’re sick. You’re really sick.
INTERVIEWER: Just tell me where the pot of gold is.
LEPRECHAUN: (Screams like a girl) I told you. I don’t have a fucking pot of gold. I’m not a leprechaun. My name is XXXXXXXX. I’m short. I’m just short.
INTERVIEWER: Then why were you running to your magic tree?
LEPRECHAUN: I was running from you. If anyone is reading this, I’m XXXXXXXX and I’m not a leprechaun. This guy is insane and he captured me while I was mowing my lawn.
INTERVIEWER: You know we’re going to X out your name when we print the article.
LEPRECHAUN: Yeah. I know.
INTERVIEWER: So just take me to the magic tree.
LEPRECHAUN: O.K. Fine. Let’s go.
(At this point in the interview, we were fooled by the leprechaun, who ran from us as soon as we got outside. We tried to apprehend him again but he kept yelling, “Get the fuck off of me” and people started looking at us like we were crazy or kidnappers or something. He got in an Uber and left us there, literally holding our dicks in our hands.)
*Our security team is anyone who feels more “secure” by drinking. A lot.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.