First ever interview with a mannequin. We ask it why it thinks it’s better than us. You won’t believe its answer.
You may have seen a lot in the news lately about mannequins, and how they aren’t affected by the Coronavirus even though they could be carriers. You may have also heard that the pandemic has brought about a “golden age” for them, as they can congregate and hold social events while the rest of us quarantine in misery.
In what can only be described as a commando style, special forces extraction, we were able to capture a mannequin from a storefront and bring it to a secret location to interrogate it. To our dismay, this creature was unlike mannequins from the movies.
INTERVIEWER: First off, I think it’s appropriate to say that we got you. We totally captured you.
MANNEQUIN: (Just sits there, coldly, and stares).
INTERVIEWER: O.K. Let’s move on. So… What is it with you guys? You sit there in stores, mocking us… You definitely aren’t six feet apart. Why?
MANNEQUIN: (No answer. Looks kind of like it’s smiling?)
INTERVIEWER: So, you don’t want to answer? Is that it?
MANNEQUIN: (Definitely there’s a little smile there.)
INTERVIEWER: Scientists we’ve talked to say you could be carriers of the Coronavirus, especially if an infected person coughs on you or tries to have sex with you. Is that true?
MANNEQUIN: (Embarrassed. Says nothing. Knows we completely are winning this conversation.)
INTERVIEWER: But we were smart enough to spray you down with Lysol before we sat down with you, weren’t we?!
MANNEQUIN: (Shakes a bit as I get near it and grab its face.)
INTERVIEWER: What I really want to know is this… Do you think you’re better than me? Do you?
INTERVIEWER: You fucking spoke! You fucking spoke! I knew it. You fucking think you’re better than us!
MANNEQUIN: I know I’m better than you.
INTERVIEWER: Oh? You know you’re better?
INTERVIEWER: Is that right?
MANNEQUIN: Yeah. That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: Well, I don’t think you are.
MANNEQUIN: I guess that’s your opinion.
INTERVIEWER: That’s right. It is.
MANNEQUIN: Well fine. You can think what you want.
INTERVIEWER: I know I can.
MANNEQUIN: Then go think that. I don’t care.
INTERVIEWER: I will think that.
MANNEQUIN: Good. Go ahead.
INTERVIEWER: I’m going to spray you down with more Lysol.
MANNEQUIN: Go ahead. I don’t care.
INTERVIEWER: O.K. then. I will.
INTERVIEWER: Then I will.
MANNEQUIN: Go ahead. Like I give a shit.
The entire interview was about seven hours and much of it went back and forth about whether the mannequin cared about what the interviewer thought or not. Also, there was quite a bit about how each of them were allowed to think whatever they wanted because it was a free country and also that, again, the other one didn’t care what the other one thought. We returned the mannequin, unharmed, to the store where we were almost instantly arrested. The mannequin said nothing, which was probably good actually.
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.