Ever since at least the 1980’s, humankind has wondered if it’s on the right track or whether we could be doing a little better. In the first ever interview with a supreme alien life-form, the Intergalactic Business Report finds that we are actually doing pretty well and even better than other universes under their control. Read the astounding exchange below:
INTERVIEWER: So, first off, welcome to Earth.
SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: Thank you. I will say, however, that welcoming me is a little odd because we effectively own the planet, so it’s like me coming to visit you at your home and me saying, “Welcome to your own home.”
INTERVIEWER: You own this planet?
SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: We do, yes. Does that upset you?
INTERVIEWER: (Talking to an IBR intern, who is nearby). Can you get me another fucking beer, you fucking idiot? Can you?
SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: Everything O.K.?
INTERVIEWER: Yeah. It’s just that I asked for a beer like an hour ago and the fucking intern can’t get his head out of his ass long enough to bring it to me.
SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: To be fair, I think I heard you ask him maybe a minute before the interview started, and he was rushing around to get you the beer, and…
INTERVIEWER: (Taking the beer from the intern) And here it fucking finally is… Thank you, David, for taking the precious time out of your day to bring your boss a fucking beer.
SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: Do you pay these interns?
INTERVIEWER: For what?
SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: Should we move on?
INTERVIEWER: I don’t get it. What do you mean?
SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: Should we continue our interview?
INTERVIEWER: Yeah, sure.
SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: So, I was saying that we actually control your planet and have for quite some time. It’s very difficult for humans to take this in without it being traumatic at first. But the good news is that…
INTERVIEWER: This beer is fucking warm. It’s fucking warm, David!
SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: Do you want me to come back or something?
INTERVIEWER: Sure. I don’t know. I fucking can’t stand warm beer.
SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: I may not actually be back in this galaxy for fifty years so…
INTERVIEWER: Fine. Just tell me how we’re doing. As humans or whatever.
SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: Overall, I’d say it’s interesting because there are some very bad things that could happen very soon if you don’t…
INTERVIEWER: Oh my fucking God. I said Blatz, David. What the fuck is this shit?
SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: You should probably hear this.
INTERVIEWER: Yeah. I hear it. Hold on. David? I know they sell Blatz. I know they do. Don’t give me your bullshit.
SUPREME ALIEN LIFE FORM: I can tell you as a higher life form that nobody sells Blatz anymore. Does that help?
(At this point in the interview, we had to excuse ourselves to go look for some fucking Blatz, which, it turns out, nobody sells anymore, just like the alien said. It just seems weird though, that nobody would sell it anymore. Pabst fucking Blue Ribbon is still sold and that's crappy beer that became “cool” suddenly in a stupid ironic way. Why not do the same with Blatz? It’s so much better than shitty PBR. Hold on. Now someone’s telling us that they do still sell Blatz. So we guess the alien was wrong?)
Reports so secret we hide them on this page.