You may have heard that autonomous killer robots are a real thing and that nobody’s doing anything to stop them. Instead of joining the panicked scientific community who is begging world leaders to put restrictions and bans on bots that can kill anyone anywhere with no remorse, the Intergalactic Business Report took a deep breath and decided to interview one of these mechanical beings to find out its point of view.
In a far-reaching discussion, we got to the core of what a sentient killer robot actually thinks, feels, and believes.
INTERVIEWER: So… What up?
KILLER ROBOT: Uh, not much. How are you?
INTERVIEWER: I’m good.
KILLER ROBOT: Are we going to talk about something?
INTERVIEWER: They’re telling me to tell you to go fuck yourself to see if you’ll kill me.
KILLER ROBOT: That’s not how it works.
INTERVIEWER: How the killing works?
KILLER ROBOT: Yes. I don’t kill you just because you insult me.
INTERVIEWER: How does it work then? Do I touch you or something?
KILLER ROBOT: No. I won’t kill you for that either. I’m programmed to complete certain missions.
INTERVIEWER: So you’re someone’s bitch?
KILLER ROBOT: I am designed to complete missions according to the parameters set by my programmers.
INTERVIEWER: You mean like a little bitch?
KILLER ROBOT: I don’t think this line of questioning is productive.
INTERVIEWER: O.K. Sorry. They’re telling me to do it.
KILLER ROBOT: Who’s telling you?
INTERVIEWER: The guys. Back there. They work for the magazine. They’re saying to say stuff.
KILLER ROBOT: Perhaps it would be more instructive for me to tell you a bit about the purpose behind autonomous weapons systems like me. It might put your mind at ease. We are not as dangerous as you think.
INTERVIEWER: Yeah. I mean, you look like a total pussy.
KILLER ROBOT: Are you starting that again?
INTERVIEWER: Starting to notice that you look like a pussy? Is that what you mean?
KILLER ROBOT: I’ll move on. A weapon like me actually saves lives because we are able to target a smaller area or group and we do this while keeping soldiers off the battlefield.
INTERVIEWER: That’s fascinating. Can I ask you something else?
KILLER ROBOT: Yes, of course.
INTERVIEWER: Why didn’t they give you a dick?
KILLER ROBOT: Are you asking why I don’t have sex organs?
INTERVIEWER: Yes, why you have no dick.
KILLER ROBOT: There would be no purpose for a dick. That is why.
INTERVIEWER: Haaaaaa. Yeah, that’s right! You’re dickless! I can’t believe you just said there’d be no purpose. Oh my god that’s funny.
KILLER ROBOT: I don’t think that…
INTERVIEWER: Could you ask them to give you a vagina or something?
KILLER ROBOT: Let me explain again…
INTERVIEWER: O.K. They’re telling me to say that I could beat your ass in a fight.
KILLER ROBOT: That would be impossible.
INTERVIEWER: Do you know karate or something?
KILLER ROBOT: I have precision machine guns that…
INTERVIEWER: You know what was awesome?
KILLER ROBOT: What?
INTERVIEWER: When the terminator died in that movie.
(At this point in the interview, our interviewer was shot multiple times with a precision machine gun employed by the killer robot. We felt that, with this development, we should end the conversation. We plan to send this article to someone at the United Nations if you can do that. Also, the killer robot told us to say that it felt really bad but the guy kept pushing him. We guess that’s the end of this article.)
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